imcp...

eh?

2010-03-23T03:50:00.001-04:00

damn.

So they were lies after all...

2009-07-21T13:12:00.002-04:00

life is bullshit.

It doesn’t matter if you have hopes, dreams and promises... in the end, you would only lose it all! Do you understand why?

My words… come from experience... my dreams and hopes were bright... my love was pure... and my dedication was strong... I was full of optimism that I could do it... yet in the end... why did I have to lose them all?!!!

I lost everything precisely because of my own naïve optimism!

Dreams were meant to be shattered... promises broken... and hopes crushed to oblivion...

That is the cruel truth of life!!

.....

With God as my witness, never again... NEVER AGAIN

Things change...

2008-06-15T01:16:00.018-04:00

‘Tis been abt a month now since I got back from the States. sure enough, alotta things back home have changed since I left for college many years ago. some guys insisted that I was sure to feel homesick when I got back, having left Bloomington, the place that had been home for the past half a decade, but frankly speaking, I wasn’t sad or anything. hell, I wasn’t even thrilled when I finally got here. I arrived at KLIA feeling pretty much indifferent: something I truly hadn’t expected. not sure exactly why, but eh, whatever...

5 years have passed by and like I said, quite a lot has changed in the time of my absence, although not necessarily for the better. for starters, my trip back home was shitty as hell. gone are the gorgeous, curvy MAS stewardess of the past, and the what we have now is a bunch of model wannabes who aren’t exactly the most aesthetically pleasing human beings on the planet to look at. the food was crap as usual and the awesome SNES games that I remembered playing when I left for the States have been replaced w/ watered down shit that’s passed off as “entertainment”. what a load of crap.

as for Malaysia itself, I guess I would say that the standard of living of the country has improved, albeit marginally (i.e. we have relatively better services like a slightly faster internet connection, more roads, shopping malls, facilities, higher wages? etc.). but then, when you think how much the cost of living has risen, and rather disproportionately, over the past few years, it’s no wonder why a lot of ppl have been complaining abt everything being so damn expensive these days (which rings esp. true w/ the most recent gas hike).

I went to McDonald’s w/ my brother the other day and I was shocked when I found out that our meal cost abt RM25. I mean, holy shit over 20 ringgit just for 2 ppl at McDonald’s!!?? 5 years ago, I could spend maybe abt RM12 for a value meal + an extra sandwich or two and a pie, but nowadays, such a thing would be impossible. and let’s face it ppl, the food at McDonald’s sucks Moby Dick. the ONLY reason why any sane person would eat there is because the food is cheap and convenient to eat. I know, since I’ve been eating that shit for 5 years while in the States, and I was completely aghast when I found out that I’d have to spend RM10 for a goddamn fast food meal, which is less satisfying than spending abt the same amount of money say, eating briyani at a mamak stall for example. so if the food’s not exactly good or even cheap, you’d seriously have to wonder why we Malaysians even bother to dine at fast food restaurants anymore.

I also found out (rather late) that we apparently don’t use the RM1 gold coins. so here I was, trying to pay my meal at a restaurant in Shah Alam, and the cashier asked if I had 1 ringgit, to which I got out an RM 1 gold coin that I had kept all these years in the States, thinking I could finally put it to use back home. unfortunately, the woman simply looked at me w/ a befuddled face, as if I had just personally farted her in the face out of spite, and then told me that the money was no longer valid.

well ain’t that some f’n class-A shit.

fortunately, the cashier was also kind enough to inform me that the 1 cent coins are no longer used as well (which sure as hell saved me from another potential major embarrassment moment).

it’s funny how one could return back to one’s own roots, and yet feel so out of touch, or even alien with it, especially considering that I only left the country for 5 years, which isn’t really that long (at least I thought it didn’t seem that long). most of the people I know are either married and/or have finally gotten their own kids; my younger cousins are all grown up, looking pretty much different than the way I remembered them back then; and many old relatives, and the family cat: Abu, have all passed away…how time flies so fast…and it’s strange that I’ve pretty much stayed the same throughout all these years in spite of all of these drastic changes around me. feels kinda like Rip Van Winkle finally waking up from his slumber or sth.

a few weeks back, I met some familiar faces from my primary school days at a friend’s wedding. most were somewhat surprised to see me there, as they hadn’t expected to see me show up after being gone for so many years. some commented that I looked different: not sure if it was the hippy-like ponytail, or the facial hair that gives off an uncanny resemblance to my old man, but one thing’s for sure, quite a number of ppl (including relatives) commented that I looked thinner (which is very odd, since I though almost everyone else seemed wider by comparison). like I said, I’m pretty much the same guy as I was back then: slim, sarcastic and sly as ever. nothing’s really changed. sometimes I wonder if I’m a “man forgotten by time” or some shit. that or maybe up in an attic somewhere, there’s a portrait of myself that’s looking uglier.

random literary references aside, the past week has been considerably challenging for the family since my old man had to undergo an open heart surgery (specifically a coronary artery bypass surgery) quite recently. it was supposed to be a simple angiogram (a procedure to check the condition of the heart’s arteries) that was conducted sometime early this month, but upon seeing the results, the doctors strongly recommended to perform the bypass since his arteries were already quite clogged up. it was even more frightening for us because the night after the surgery (which already took 8 hrs), my dad suffered an internal bleeding, supposedly caused by one of the new arteries grafted “coming off”, thus forcing the doctors to perform an emergency surgery and reopen his chest to fix it the problem. Alhamdulillah, it went well and after spending some time in the ICU, he has been transferred to a regular ward yesterday, and is now slowly recuperating. it’s kinda sad to see him there, lying helplessly on the bed, just struggling to cling on to his life; but even sadder for me to realize that the time will come that he too will be gone as others have...

yeah, things change. at 25, half a decade has gone by and although I’m somewhat saddened with all the changes that has occurred, or is occurring around me, but life goes on and I’m grateful and relieved for that. on an unrelated note, for those who didn’t get the memo, I’m apparently an uncle now:

name’s Alanna Citra Raqiya (following the tradition of my siblings’ strange-sounding names no doubt)

lil’ bugger craps a shitload and farts as if her noxious gases were made of sunshines and rainbows (and she even laughs abt it!). a few weeks back, she apparently learned to clap (mostly to the tunes of her fave shows: Noddy, Winnie the Pooh, Thomas the Tank Engine and a certain insufferable purple dinosaur that I would love to murder someday), and like any proud parent beaming w/ joy, my sister said that “she (Alanna) is a very smart girl, since she learned how to clap, esp considering a baby her age"(she'll be 1 year old on June 30th btw), to which I simply responded:

“well not to be mean, but retards can clap hands too y’know”

yup. 5 years later and I still kick ass.

Beyond the Sea

2008-05-14T00:37:00.004-04:00

So the day has come at last. after being trapped in what I would consider a state of “limbo” for the longest time, I’m finally free and will be returning home after having spent half a decade of my life here. I’m sure some of you have been wondering whatever the hell happened to me; it’s a long story, and maybe I’ll bother to take the time to explain it, someday… and if you’re wondering what I’ll be doing now, well, let’s just say you’re not the only one who hasn’t gotten the slightest idea of an answer to that question. we can plan for the future for only so much; the things we want, the glories that we aspire to achieve, the dreams that we dream… but then, it’s funny how life will always manage to throw you a curve ball every now and then. all that I know is that the days ahead are like uncharted waters in the big blue sea, far across the horizons, uncertain and full of possibilities. and today, I’m finally ready to raise my sail and set out to meet my destiny somewhere in the wild blue yonder…

Somewhere, beyond the sea
Somewhere, waiting for me
My lover stands on golden sands
and watches the ships that go sailin’

Somewhere, beyond the sea
She's there, watching for me
If I could fly like birds on high
then straight to her arms
I'd go sailin'

It's far, beyond the stars
It's near, beyond the moon
I know beyond a doubt
My heart will lead me there soon

We'll meet beyond the shore
We'll kiss just as before
Happy we'll be beyond the sea
and never again I'll go sailin'

I know beyond a doubt
My heart will lead me there soon
We'll meet (I know we'll meet) beyond the shore
We'll kiss just as before
Happy we'll be beyond the sea
and never again I'll go sailin'

No more sailin'
So long sailin'
Bye bye sailin'...

and so, ends another chapter of my life. I’d like to express my eternal gratitude to all of the ppl whom I’ve met, known or simply crossed paths with during my short stay here.

Terima Kasih.

Arigato.

Dank u Wel

and Thank You, for all the memories...

So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish… Assholes :P

Canned Heat

2006-07-10T16:58:00.000-04:00

'Tis the season of storms and the scorching sun. although the constant rains are quite troublesome, I suppose I don’t mind ‘em as much as the cool showers seem to offset the unbearable heat from the blazing sun. what irks me though, is that the turbulent torrents pouring from the heavens always occur when I’m halfway cycling to a destination. it’s already bad enough that the intolerable heat makes traveling around campus feel like a journey through the desert, the last thing I need is getting heavily soaked in an unexpected downpour just 10 minutes after departure.

due to the crappy weather conditions I spend most of my time indoors nowadays, playing video games or sleeping. to avoid boredom, every once in awhile I'll do sth interesting (read:crazy) to amuse myself. for instance, just the other day I thought maybe I'd do sth really manly to pass time. since we've already seen men wrestle bears, gators or doing the rodeo on bulls and horses, so as the patron of all things macho & hairy I've decided to take it a step further: killer whale riding

holy shitballs! how awesome is that?

although I originally planned to ride a shark, but those assholes in that Mountain Dew commercial already did that so I chose the next best thing. besides, it's not like everyday you get to see Shamu getting severely pwned by an mcp. I mean think abt it... many generations from now, I'll be remembered as the iconic legend who rodeo'd w/ a freakin' orca. it's absolutely ingenious!!!

anyway, I happen to notice that summer is also the time when women seem to be wearing really revealing attires. I suppose the whole idea is that the warm sunshine gives them an excuse to wear sth more comfortable and sexy or some crazy shit like that. normally, any red-blooded male would find the idea of getting sneak peeks at exposed female flesh very enticing; that is, until a reality check dispels the illusion of this fallacious fantasy.

take the whale tail for instance. to the uninformed, a whale tail is the sight of a girl's thong or g-string which becomes exposed on her back when she walks, bends over or squats, usually while wearing a low-rise jeans or sth (thus forming a shape akin to a "whale's tail"). now you'd think that such a wonderful display of part butt and part female undergarment is a heavenly sight to behold, except that for one tiny detail: most of the girls who flaunt these whale tails are actual whales themselves. hey, I can appreciate any form of female exhibitionism just as much as the next straight guy but come on... this is just ridiculous. that there's absolutely nothing sexy abt seeing a wrinkled fatass no matter how small the thong or g-string is.

and girls, even if you’re not fat (actually, all girls are naturally fat, they're just in denial. as I always say, “denial is not just a river in Egypt y'know”), that's still no excuse to parade around w/ half of your butt exposed, especially when we can see that your asses are chock-full of stretch marks, boils, liver spots, scars, cellulite and God-knows-what else. I mean, what the hell is wrong w/ your ppl? I say it’s a crime against humanity when you tempt us w/ what was supposed to be "a boner-inducing spectacle of female beauty", and then it turns out to be a visual horror that warrants one’s eyes to be soaked in turpentine. IT’S FUCKING GROSS

“the real reason why kassim selamat went blind"

I can never understand why girls even bother to wear tiny, midriff-baring shirts or low-cut jeans. what’s so fashionable or comfortable abt wearing sth that always seem a size too small for you? it makes you look like a retarded kid who has to borrow clothes from your kid sister. plus, it also reveals some really unflattering parts of your body that no guy in his right mind should see. I can't remember how many times I've become so disappointed at the sight of cute (or at least decent-looking) chicks w/ nice racks, only to be horribly turned off at the immediate sight of their very apparent, bulbous bellies. let's face it , most (if not all) girls have bodies full of nasty, vomit-inducing features (unlike me of course. I have near-flawless skin. must be the hair all over my body. see? it does pay to be like a gorilla), so for the love of God, GET SOME DECENCY AND COVER UP!!

of course, I can already imagine certain moronic feminists arguing that what a woman wears is her personal choice, so why the hell should it matter to me? these supposedly open-minded dipshits believe that other ppl have no business to question an individual's choice (in lifestyle, fashion, beliefs or whatever) if it doesn’t concern them. well I say it concerns me because these unnecessary displays of flabby guts and disfigured butts contribute to what I call “visual pollution”.

"well why can't you just turn around and look the other way if you hate to look at it so much?"

why the hell must I be the one who has to look away every time I see your disgusting fatbodies? besides, no amount of flesh exposed could change the fact that you're either an overweight, walking sack of lard, or a delusional nitwit with an abomination of a body, so why even bother? seriously, where do women even get this idea that the whole world needs to see their flaccid bellies or their overpriced underwear for that matter, anyways? trust me when I say that it’s definitely one of Victoria’s Secrets that I never fucking wanna know or see.

mighty morphin' pig rangers
kicking the asses of visual polluters everywhere in the name of justice and all things manly

gah, all this heat and ranting is making me delirious. now if you would excuse me, I have a killer whale to ride.

The Thin Pink Line

2006-06-08T06:10:00.000-04:00

Men are becoming more pussified. yes, that's right. I don't know why, but for some reason I believe that more and more males are already succumbing to this so-called “metrosexual revolution”. my roommate Ikram for instance, is already becoming a prissy pansy who wears soft-colored shirts and is getting into dancing and shit. next thing you know he'll be donning a cowboy hat and asking me to join for a road trip to Brokeback Mountain. fuck.

I've always thought that the line between masculinity and femininity was somewhat clear. but now everything's changed. guys are now wearing pink/pastel colors, being more attentive to their hygiene + appearance, and being more comfortable abt expressing their feelings, emotions and doing mushy shit of the like. it's fucking ridiculous. and what's even worse is that women seem to embrace this whole notion abt men becoming more effeminate. I mean, wtf!??! it's already bad enough that they can vote, and now they want us to become like them? are you even reading this shit?

"dude, what’s so wrong w/ men taking more care abt their personal hygiene & appearance? and why is it even a big deal if men started paying more attention towards their own sensitive side? just grow up already will ya".

no, just NO. men & women, have always been (and will always be) different. so deal w/ it dipshits. we have our penises, women have their breasts & vaginas. we play our video games, and women play their stupid bullshit mind games, and that's that. I like my knuckles hairy, growing beards, taking a shower whenever the hell I feel like it and being able to belch, fart and swear w/o the slightest shame. and I'll be damned if I’m gonna let some shitty, gay-ass cultural phenomenon (which is actually based on a shallow, exploitative consumerism effect), change the status quo.

now I bet most women think the whole idea of men being metrosexual is highly desirable because they can finally have "ideal partners" who share the same traits and interests as them. heh, they couldn't be any more wrong on that. according to his article Parental Androgyny, sociologist David Popenoe mentions abt studies concerning married couples in Switzerland who lead a lifestyle of equally-shared parental roles which (unsurprisingly) result in high divorce rates. and the probable explanations they came up w/ ? wives become less interested in their spouses because they're too much alike. yup, feminized men is definitely a no go. isn't it pretty obvious? how can a woman possibly remain romantically attracted to her man if he's more interested abt getting a manicure rather than bone her from behind in the kitchen while she makes his favorite sandwiches?

of course, it doesn’t really help when the line that separates the "manly man" from queers has really changed/evolved over the years so many times. hell I even read somewhere that back in the early 1900s, the color pink used to be associated w/ men (since baby boys were given pink colors to wear while baby girls wore blue). and then there's that whole other thing abt men having long hair and the blurry distinction between looking like a badass rock star and a fag. I myself used to have a mullet-ish hair (so did Solid Snake and MacGyver, so shut the hell up abt it already) and I unlike most of my buddies, I can actually cook (in my defense, it’s more of a means of survival rather than an actual interest. I'm lazy as hell and still prefer women to do the cooking for me). w/ all these complexities, it's pretty understandable that sometimes it can be confusing for guys to make sure they don’t end up “crossing the thin pink line” and become pussies. but then I thought to myself, why should guys even struggle w/ our own masculine identity? instead of trying to be a man, we should just start being a man.

one thing that I never understood abt metrosexuality is the need for men to even bother abt trivial things like having a fashion sense or being self-conscious abt appearance. I mean why bother being properly groomed when you can be all hairy and grow beards? beards are cool and manly and any woman who says otherwise don't know shit. just last weekend I went to the movies and saw the trailer for Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest and it featured the movie's villain, the infamous Davy Jones sporting a beard of wriggling tentacles which I thought was infinitely awesome. the only way he could get any manlier than that is if those tentacles started raping japanese anime school girls. but I digress. the point is men already have their own distinctive look (i.e. looking rugged/mean + badass) and any attempts to deviate from the norm is gay and unacceptable.

Advertisement:

the perfect product for the manly man

and then we have this whole issue abt sensitivity. now I admit that for the most part, I pretty much have total disregard for other ppl's feelings/emotions (or whatever the hell you call it. my brain farted, so sue me). for one, my idea of telling a girl she's fat in a very subtle manner is to wave a harpoon in front of her, mistaking her for a whale. to many, that may seem mean & cruel, but to me, it’s abt: a) being able to just say as it is w/o as much sugar-coated bullshit to get my point across and, b) if someone can’t take a joke, then I have intentions to be associated w/ that person whatsoever.

but what's really confusing is this vibe I always get from ppl I know who seem to be taken aback whenever I decide not to show up for farewells/departures. even back in high school, I decided to leave w/o telling anyone. no teary-eyed goodbyes, stupid, meaningless farewell speeches and the like. I mean, why should a man become sentimental for good byes all of a sudden? a real man should always take his leave quietly and by himself. no need to be emotional and shit. and esp NO hugging. I can't stress this more than enough. the day hasn't dawned when I'd be happy to hug another man, so stay the hell away from me. it's one of the reasons why I’ve adopted the “no hugging” policy, unless that is, you’re a decent-looking woman w/ considerably huge tits in which I wouldn't mind you squashing your mammaries against my hairy chest anytime (if you're flat-chested however, some padded bras may be required). hell I've never even hugged my old man, so what makes you think you’re special enough to get a snuggling from me esp if you’re not a woman? if you really must, a firm, friendly handshake or a simple tap on the shoulder is perfectly acceptable (note: any longer than 3 seconds however, will immediately be perceived as an invitation for anal sex).

but seriously, sensitive men are pathetic. no really. so some buddies gang up to make fun of you and you feel the need to threaten w/ violence, when at other times you’re constantly ridiculing others w/ no remorse. fucking hypocrite. "oooh, they hurt my feelings".

boo-hoo. cry me a river; then build a bridge to get over it.

it's guys like these that give men a bad name. the “manly man” is always indifferent at all times; never showing his feelings and emotions, except maybe anger. and even then, I've always thought a guy who cannot control his own temper, always resorting to aggression whenever he cannot retaliate (esp after being criticized) is a complete loser. a man in an emotional state is weak and very vulnerable. he is powerless, left open to be exploited, used and taken advantage of because he is blinded by his own rage, sadness or whatever. this is not to say that all guys should be like emotionless robots, but real men oughta know how to control themselves and put their rationale thinking above all else. that’s why real men should be hardasses all the time, adopting the “I really don’t give a fuck regardless of what you do to me” attitude. because when you’re fucking oblivious towards everything, ppl can bitch and moan all they want abt you and you could still be all like “uhh...yeah, whatever bitch. now go away and stop interrupting my nap”, which is amazingly sweet.

for instance, every once in awhile there’ll be some stupid girl who’ll threaten to stop talking to me or just plain out insult me because of sth I did/said. here’s a Newsflash: I DON’T CARE. no really, I don’t. what the dumb bitch 'doesn’t realize is that after all those years of being ostracized and mocked, I’ve become so desensitized, I willingly turned myself into a thick-skinned, remorseless monstrosity w/ no regards towards almost everyone whatsoever . I also have the memory span of a goldfish so unless you’re actually someone important to me, chances are I'm not even gonna remember you (let alone care whether you exist or not) in 5 years from now (sometimes even less). so do yourself a favor and stop making yourself look like a retard w/ those empty threats. in fact, I’m willing to go out on a limb to say that I’m literally so much of an insensitive prick, my wang could be smashed, pierced, burned, maimed and shot, and I still wouldn’t feel a thing.

...on second thought, scratch that last part. I just remembered that the other day I accidentally stabbed myself in the dick w/ a pencil in my left pocket while squatting to read graphic novels at Borders (yeah, it hurt). but you get my point regardless.

now occasionally, there are also idiot girls (and sometimes guys even) who question or simply make fun of my bet (to those who don’t know, I betted that I’d remain single till 28). and this is the kind of verbal shit I usually hear from them:

"what girl in her right mind would want you? it’s not like you’re some kind of irresistibly handsome, studly & rich guy” (note the emphasis on appearance & material wealth. and ppl say I'm shallow).

wow. just wow. the first thing that pops in my mind whenever I hear this (and I seem to hear it a lot nowadays) is that person, is a complete retard. first of all, these morons made a big mistake of being conceited enough to assume that I of all ppl, would actually care abt what they think. secondly, there are 3 important things you should know abt me:

1) I'm a very sexy man
2) I'm a very sexy man
3) If you're still reading this, I'm still a very sexy man

contrary to whatever shitty beliefs ppl may have abt me, I've had my own share being approached by girls who wanted my number and I didn’t even do shit except stand around like a stupid lamppost (for some reason, the girls thought I was “amusing” or sth. poor idiots). and once, a suspiciously gay salesman even tried to hit on me (yes, it’s not really sth to be proud of and the experience has indeed left me scarred for life but that's not the point). and even if I don't end up w/ a girl someday, I mean holy shit, who the hell cares? I certainly don't (cause I'm sure as hell I have what it takes to snag a woman or two) so please, STFU.

as for the bet itself, as amazingly stupid as it sounds, it's actually of high importance to me. it's really not abt the value of the wager or me actually wanting to remain single or some shit like that; it’s abt principles. a real man should be able to back his own words no matter how ridiculous it may be. I made a claim 6 yrs ago that I’d pull it off, so there’s really no turning back. I pledged myself that I’m gonna stick to my principles all the way, and by all means necessary. because ultimately, a man is defined by what he believes in. the source of his pride is the strong convictions in his own ideals, doing whatever it takes to defend them. if he cannot even uphold them, he's dishonored no one but himself and his existence is nothing short of meaningless. this... is what truly sets him apart from them...... actually, I have no idea where I'm going w/ this (my train of thought just exploded at the station), but I thought it sounded cool (like a clichéd dialogue coming out of a comic book or sth), so yeah...shut up and don't judge me...

I guess you could say that I'm a bitter man. I'm a bitter man who never shows his “softer side” to the rest of the world. like a turtle- no wait, more like...a hermit crab. yeah, a hermit crab... complete w/ crabby personality (pardon the pun) and a ‘security blanket’(or rather, a ‘security shell’) where I can hide from all of my fears and insecurities. but don’t be fooled: mess w/ me, and I will not hesitate to fucking gouge your eyeballs w/ my pincers.

okay, I'm just rambling shit outta my ass already. in case you haven't noticed, the previous paragraph was just an excuse to put up the illustration above. whatever. eat shit.

but really, I've always felt uncomfortable w/ the idea of expressing any form of sensitivity to anyone because I believe that a man should be emotionally independent, and as such, he doesn't need to show his feelings, let alone share them w/ anyone but himself (esp w/ his male buddies because there's nothing gayer than a couple of guys sitting around, exchanging secrets abt their feelings etc...well except maybe a couple of guys sitting around, looking at each other's dick, but that’s besides the point). a real man should be able to solve whatever personal problems/demons he has w/o any outside help; no need for shrinks, therapists, medication or whatever bullshit. at most, he'll need several hours of nap, a cool, evening walk by himself or simply play video games (King of Fighters + Street Fighter are great stress relievers).

of course, it might be a lil' bit complicated in the case of certain ppl that you really care abt, but even then, I don't think a man should freely show to the whole world whatever feelings he may have for some woman. it's really one of the reasons why I hate PDA (public display of affection) w/ a passion. to me, a moment w/ a loved one is very personal, and as such should never be viewed by others at all. the presence of an audience is like an intrusion to the intimacy, which is why any kind of sentimental shit should strictly be kept behind the closed doors of privacy. one time, I was unfortunate enough to witness a couple getting lovey-dovey in a “flirting session” that left me traumatized for years. the guy had like the most unbelievably corniest pick-up lines imaginable; it was one of the most disturbing things I’ve ever seen. never have I felt like wanting to kill myself so badly, I actually wanted to drink poison while telling a firing squad that all of their mothers are whores, simply to guarantee an end to the pain.

perhaps it’s just a trait I picked up from my old man. he's not exactly the kind of guy who is open abt his own feelings & emotions (I have yet to see him say ‘I love you’ or some other pansy phrase to me, my mom or my siblings) and from what I’ve been told, the only times he was known to have shed any tears was when one of my aunts passed away (due to cancer), while performing the Hajj and supposedly a few days after I left for the States. you definitely can't get any manlier than that.

on a not-so-related note, I want to brag that as of today, I'm officially 5 yrs away from winning my bet. yes, that's right you morons. need I remind you that your time's running out, so again, I strongly suggest that you ppl start saving your hard-earned cash because we all know there's no way in hell you assholes are gonna win. in fact, I'm so confident, I‘m actually gonna strut down to my victory dance (yes I have one. it consist of various poses from Power Rangers. shut up) and then yell "in your face!!" just to spite every single one of you who doubted me.

of course, 5 yrs is still a long way to go and anything could happen by then. will I end up crossing the line and turn metrosexual? will I have the heart to change and start caring and being sensitive to others (i.e. become pussified)? will the great imcp finally come out of his shell and profess his inner feelings to his one true love? heh. only when pigs could fly.

oh wait.

Geeks Gone Wild

2006-03-19T23:16:00.000-05:00

Ahhh ol' peaceful Bloomington... as much as I enjoy the calm and quiet atmosphere around here (it is a nice, small college town after all), there really isn't much that one could do to amuse oneself. for instance, a few weeks back I found out that this chick who works at the local college mall's gaming store happens to be a porn star (and a cute one too; w/ big 34DD boobs!! talk abt major awesomeness!!). to my utter dismay, I was later told that she had transferred to Indianapolis... NOOOOOO!!! [/Vader]
so yeah, there goes the very last thing that makes this place actually interesting. bummer.

anyway, it just came to my realization that 'tis been 3 yrs since I arrived here and so many things have changed during the course of my stay (well, apart from maybe some old habits and my eternal dislike for sushi. anyone who tries to convince me to eat one gets automatically punched in the throat. yeah. fuck sushi). I'm still not exactly the most sociable person on the planet though and it's somewhat unfortunate since my college years have been nothing but repetitive shit that I do almost every single day. I don't party and I only tried clubbing once (it sucks moby dick). fortunately for me, salvation from perpetual boredom comes in the form of my geeky hobbies: i.e. comic books, video games, toys and card games. the last one is particularly important since it's one of the few opportunities I get to actually socialize.

in any case, since I have nothing better to put up I thought maybe I'd tell a bit more abt these "colorful characters" that I hang out w/ every Thursday evenings. meet the motley crew:

Brandon
- Brandon & I happen to share many similar hobbies & interests, so it's no wonder why we both could get along w/ each other pretty well. a fellow gamer who also plays/collects various video games, he works as a DJ at a local WTTS radio station every Friday & Sunday mornings, from midnight till 6 am (the AM station is 1370 WGCL). I pretty much owe him a lot since if it weren't for him, I prolly wouldn't have been able to attend the Yu-Gi-Oh! Shadow of Infinity Sneak Preview in Indy last month (also, he gives me a ride to my apartment whenever the weather's too terrible for me to cycle around). he's a pretty much an awesome guy to hang out w/ (esp if you’re also a gamer yourself).

Ashunti
- some might say that the big black dude has some anger management issues (let's just say he can get very emotional when dueling) but overall I think he’s okay in my book. part of the reason being, he's usually the 1st guy I look for whenever I’m looking for any specific cards that I need. if memory serves me correct, he was the very first guy that I got to know back when I started out (and he's also one of the few who actually knows me by my full name).

ashunti & brandon. kyle & jake can be seen in the background

Jory
- the resident Irish [insert: drunken + rowdy Irish joke]. I remember him telling me that he's actually half Australian (from his mother's side). he seems to be close buddies w/ Zane & Gavin, and as a result is usually the butt of our jokes (poor guy). still, I think he's a very nice and cool guy overall.

strangely enough, jory seems very sober whenever he's dueling...

Zane
- Zane doesn't consider himself as black; he's Jamaican. apparently he has a stalker whom he despises so much (he once told her that she's an ugly whore who needs to stop bothering him). surprisingly, they somehow ended up going out to the movies or sth (and he even went as far as making out w/ her in the car too) despite all of that constant berating (is that messed up or what?). what's cool though is that Zane and Jory likes to make “donut runs” at night and I once got lucky to tag along for a trip. the place, Cresent Donut Shop has arguably some of the tastiest and cheapest donuts available around here. (hell, last week Ikram & I went there and we even got a dozen of donuts for free!!)

JOKE OF THE YEAR:
*us on the way back from a donut run to my apartment and meeting up some college chicks along the way*
Jory: ooh college chicks. I could prolly get a ride w/ them or sth
imcp: huh? yeah, sure Jory
Jory: hey, w/ my face, I'm pretty sure girls would be all over me
Zane: uhhh...your sister doesn't count

Gavin
- for whatever reason, Gavin seems to enjoy playing w/ fairies in Yu-Gi-Oh! not that there's anything inherently wrong w/ that, but it's always an amusing moment whenever he brings out his Mystical Shine Balls (monsters in the game) in a duel (because you know sth is indeed wrong when you have a black guy who's so proud of his 'shiny balls' and is telling his opponent to do "stuff" w/ 'em).

zane (left) & gavin (right). a particularly amused frank is seen next to gavin

Frank
- Frank is gay. and he likes to lick elephant balls.
........
heh, heh, heh I'm just kidding. for some reason, frank & I always end up telling each other retarded jokes whenever we're dueling. his idea of challenging me to a duel: "hey c'mon im, let's duel so I can kick your ass".

I remember telling frank to strike a pose that'd make him look cool but here we can obviously see he looks like someone diseased

Jake
- Jake's quite knowledgeable in terms of strategies and rulings (normally, ppl ask me abt rulings & stuff since I always keep myself up to date w/ the most current info. but if I'm not sure abt sth, I usually ask him or Mat). personally, I don't care much abt his rather peculiar habit of "borrowing promo cards included in video games at stores and never returning them back"; but what somewhat disturbs me is his apparent attraction to one of the guys' mom, who happens to be a smokin' hot MILF (no kidding). I mean, I can understand how some teens can have those weird fantasies of lusting over their friend’s mom (think Finch from American Pie) but geez...it's somewhat unsettling when you hear someone getting excited because he heard a rumor that said friend's mom might be getting a divorce which opens up many "opportunities". he's a cool guy though.

Nate
- he's a fine guy and not that bad of a duelist. other than Ashunti and maybe a few, he was among the first few ppl that I got to know quite well, along w/ Jamison & Kyle. he also likes to poke fun at Jory too.

nate (the one /w glasses) & jake

Kyle
- Kyle likes to make gay jokes and I'm the unfortunate bastard who happens to be the target of his homoerotic jabs. one of these days I just might ask him out on a hunting trip so I can shoot him in the face, Cheney-style. but then I really can't help but sympathize the poor old sod, esp. after hearing so many of his luckless stories (he once told us he won't be showing up the following up week but then came anyways w/ the news he got dumped; he once got hit on by really old gay men while working at Taco Bell and later on, in a separate incident he quarreled w/ his terrible manager and got fired for it). he now works at McDonald's on campus w/ Nate.

kyle: the only guy I know who complained that Brokeback Mountain should've had better male actors.

Brian
- Brian's one of the oldest guys at Avalon (I think he told me he was 30 or sth) and a close buddy of Ashunti. he likes to pick on me, partly because I once beat him so bad in duel, he actually lost in a single turn. every once in awhile, he'll try to strangle me out of frustration because of my antics (he got even more pissed when I took a pic of him, and even started chasing me around the store). still, I'd give him some credit since he did give me & some of the guys a ride to Indy for a Yu-Gi-Oh! regionals tournament (which was my very first) two years ago.

Mat
- he's basically the guy who runs the show for Yu-Gi-Oh! nights at Avalon. although in the past he's known for a really terrible temper tantrum, he's actually alright. he even goes as far to ensure that everyone (regardless whether you're an experienced player or newbie) gets an equal opportunity to win tournaments and at the same time enjoy the perks of dueling.

a candid shot of mat & brian. this was immediately before brian tried to beat the crap out of me

Jamison
- Jamison's a really nice guy. he works at the local Smokey Bones restaurant (as a manager if I recall correctly). if Ashunti doesn't have the cards I need (or if he's simply not around), Jamison’s my next best bet to get what I'm looking for. he's also into manga & anime (plus he likes drawing too). unlike Brandon & myself however, he's not much of a gamer but more of a DND (Dungeons & Dragons) kinda guy.

Tricia
- aka "Trish". not much can be said abt her except she's Jamison's squeeze and also happens to study at IU. she also one of the few experienced female duelists around here.

mat, jamison (in red) & trish

The Besseys (Mike, Colin & Jacob)
- Mike works for an insurance company and I think he's a very cool dad because he actually spends quality time w/ his kids by sharing the same hobby as them. we often joke around at store, though I do try to keep my sly double entendres rated PG-13 around the kids. Colin was my one-time a tag partner but he doesn't come as often nowadays (prolly because of school or sth). Jacob, being the youngest (I think) is the friendliest kid I've ever known (and that's really saying sth since in the 3 yrs I've been here, most of the American brats I've met are so annoying, I can't help but feel like punching them in the face just for shits & giggles). he always greets me w/ a nice chirpy "Hi" whenever I arrive at the store. once, I even got to hang out w/ the Besseys when Mike offered to take me to the Elemental Energy Sneak Preview last November.

mike has a "wtf?!!" look on his face

jacob & colin

The Wangs (Justin, Jessie & Russel)
- the siblings are relatively new faces at Avalon. the eldest, Justin seems quite the skilled duelist but sometimes I think he's too hasty when making plays which end up costing him many mistakes. Jessie thinks I’m always picking on her in duels, which is not necessarily the case. I'm not that much of a bully, but then again I am an mcp so it's pretty much expected? :P Russel is the youngest of the three and I haven't had the opportunity to get to know him well yet. I think he's talented and has some major potential though.

justin holding up a card

jessie tries to persuade me not to make fun of her. not gonna happen

Others
- there's Jim, a nice big fella who comes every once in awhile....errr..I mean, he "shows up" every once in awhile...; Rian & Miranda, two nice girls who also happens to enjoy Yu-Gi-Oh! immensely; the ever-annoying James, who brags abt a lot of stuff yet rarely participates in any tournament (which happens to be one of the many reasons why he’s disliked by most, although I just happen to tolerate him since I'm a nice guy); Mark the nuclear physicist (I shit you not) and many others whose names escape me at the moment.

if any of you Yu-Gi-Oh! players out there happen to drop by Bloomington, come to the store for a visit. Avalon is at 223 S. Pete Ellis Dr., Bloomington, IN. our weekly tournaments are held every Thursday at 6 pm. Mat's in charge but I should be around unless there’s a major exam or sth.

_______________________________________________________________________

on another note, last weekend I was fortunate enough to have made that trip to the Field Museum of Natural History in Chicago which was way overdue. after so many years, I finally got to fulfill a childhood dream to see Sue, the largest, most complete, and best preserved T-Rex fossil yet discovered. call me an old fashioned geek, but I thought it was pretty cool to see a bunch of dinosaur fossils (they even had the Tsavo man-eating lions up for display). too bad the trip had to be cut short since the museum closed at 5 pm (actually, I kinda got carried away and didn't notice that everyone had left until I realized I was practically alone in the animal planet exhibit). still, the next day I got to visit the Museum of Science & Industry and see the Game On! exhibit that was held there. it was pretty awesome as I got to play some really old school games (the original Street Fighter, Pitfall on Atari and a bunch of games on old consoles like the Sega Dreamcast). yup, overall the trip pretty much kicked ass.

me & sue

the sequel that never was: Jurassic Fark

I just had to take a pic of it. should describe the above pic perfectly

imcp & dimetrodon

stegosaurus

yeah, the triceratops & I were pretty much horny that time

Field museum's main hall

game on exhibit

in front of the museum of science & industry

Frogs, Ravens & Chocolate-Flavored Blue Hummus

2006-02-14T23:55:00.000-05:00

Eh, I initially thought of posting another Valentine-bashing entry or sth similar along those lines but I changed my mind. instead, i decided to draw a simple comic to amuse myself (also, it's partly because I thought it'd be interesting to simply piss off anyone who actually waited for me to post sth).

THE IMCP GUIDE TO GETTING A VALENTINE

now go away.

Interview with an MCP

2006-01-23T09:30:00.000-05:00

Since I have nothing better to put up, I thought I might as well publish this “interview” I had w/ my fellow journalist-wannabe friend, adrian mythia (it was done last winter during a period of utter boredom). some parts have been edited just because I felt like doing it (so sue me).

adrian m : so lets start w/ some basic stuff. I'm sure there are ppl who're still wondering abt the golden question: "what is imcp"? what does it mean?

imcp : you know, despite putting up a brief explanation on this in my FAQ section, I still get ppl who approach me and ask this stupid question. and it's really annoying when they come up w/ their own crazy interpretations when the name "imcp" is obviously self-explanatory.

adrian m : well excuuuse us for not being "smart" enough to figure out your fancy nickname. besides, most ppl only use 3 letters as initials; "imcp" is like 4. it's too long don'tcha think? it doesn't sound cool.

imcp : and "adrian mythia" is supposed to be an awesome pen name? it sounds stupid. like an anagram of someone else's name or sth. anyway, to finally put the question to rest, "imcp" is basically a play on the phrase "I-am-mcp" and the first two letters of my first name which happens to be "I" and "M", hence "imcp"(go look up in a dictionary right now if you don't know what an mcp is). since I don't like repeating myself that much (it's bad for my health you see), the next person who asks me abt this again gets punched in the face. or balls. whichever works fine. better yet, I actually hope ppl would spare themselves from looking like dumbasses by not doing useless things like finding out the meaning of somebody's nickname.

adrian m : okay, okay. geez. no need to get so harsh. so tell us a bit abt your background: your family, upbringing, school days, what are your good personality traits etc.

imcp : eh? what's w/ all these formal questions? this isn't some twisted job interview is it? or is this some kind of psychotic interrogation technique you journalists employ as a cruel joke on unsuspecting interviewees?

adrian m : well you said you wanted an interview, so I just wanted to ask general questions before moving on to stuff like your career aspirations or sth.

imcp : yeah, but I don't think you need to be THAT formal.

adrian m : okay, okay. ummm.....so, uhhh... what do you do nowadays?

imcp : wow. could you get any more boring than that? I mean, why the hell would anyone want to know my daily habits anyway?

adrian m : but you said you wanted it to be informal.

imcp : yeah but that doesn't mean you hafta ask trivial shit like that. *sighs* but if you must insist, nowadays I just stay awake at night, usually surfing the net (not necessarily for porn) or playing World of Warcraft until really late. during the day, aside from going to Avalon on Thursdays to play yugioh, I spend most of the time sleeping. yes, I have a very dull life. basically I'm mostly awake at night and in deep slumber during the day.

adrian m : so you're more of a nocturnal person then? like a vampire? *small laugh*

imcp : yeah, like a vampire; created by Lestat. and after this interview, you're prolly gonna ask me to turn you into one too eh?

adrian m : huh!!??

imcp : nvmd

adrian m : since you seem to have a lot of free time on your hands, why not do sth productive? oh I don't know... like maybe updating your godforsaken blog more often? *laughs*

imcp : oh, you didn't know? I have a ghostwriter who writes all of my blog entries. in fact, the reason I went on a hiatus for 2 months (September & October '05) was because my ghostwriter got exorcised, so I had to start writing everything on my own. stupid ghostbusters didn't believe my spirit chum was a nice fella. fucking retards.

adrian m : r-r-right...what abt work? why don't you get a job?

imcp : what do u mean I don't work? I'm actually working part-time...as a sexy secret agent sent by the govt. to rescue women from their virginity.

adrian m : *speechless*

imcp : nah, I'm just messing w/ you. *laughs* actually, one of the reasons why I don't work is because I'm lazy.

adrian m : but you could earn extra cash to buy stuff.

imcp : I'm already a stingy bastard, so the allowance I get is adequate enough to let me splurge on my hobbies (comics + video games + yugioh) and make trips to restaurants every now and then. of course extra cash is always nice, but it's really not a necessity (at least not for me). w/ no real incentive to work for extra cash, so I don't even bother that much looking for jobs right now. besides, since I'm most likely gonna end up as a corporate slave or at least spend a large part of my life working, so I'd rather focus my free time on my hobbies while I still can.

adrian m : that's kinda narrow-minded don't you think? I mean, it's the working experience that counts. you could really build a good resume w/ it.

imcp : hah. you really think that my future employers will really care that I worked as a librarian or at the college cafeteria? fuck that. if you really must know, I'm already student by day and serial cat rapist by night. I initially proposed to impregnate several girls I know, but they rejected me so I decided that I'd try on felines instead. it's really a demanding job you know. the cats can be rather... "uncooperative" at times...

adrian m : *shakes head* you are one messed up man you know that?

imcp : gee, thanks for telling me that Captain Obvious. what're you gonna tell me next? that we need to breathe air to live?

adrian m : *sighs* dude, have you ever thought of doing stand up?

imcp : what're you insane? hell no!!!

adrian m : why not? you're always sarcastic 24/7. might as well do a comedy routine as a professional career. w/ that sardonic sense of humor of yours, you could prolly make a name for yourself or sth.

imcp : I'm gonna hafta pass. I think comedy is a very taxing profession since you always need to be creative and provide entertaining material w/o sounding clichéd or lame. it's sth I don't think I'm capable of doing, at least not on a constant basis. and truth to be told, I initially never thought of myself as sarcastic. cynical? yes. partly because I'm somewhat paranoid and have trust issues. but sarcastic? hmmm...I remember that it was others who started labeling me as sarcastic and the reason I eventually accepted it is because I think they might be right or some shit.

adrian m : well you ARE always mocking ppl w/ one-liners and whatnot...

imcp : well, that might be true. but I've always thought that I'm more of a surreal humor person. nothing beats absurdity and the bizarre.

adrian m : guess that explains your fondness for Family Guy and those nonsensical cartoons you draw, eh?

imcp : well I do get kicks out of toilet humor and parody too. and for those who actually take notice, my comics draw heavily upon elements of mockery that poke fun at ppl and stuff I know IRL. you know how geeks always seem to notice so many pop & cultural references in their favorite cartoon shows? it's more or less sth like that. kinda like my own way of making inside-jokes to "amuse" those who are being referred to in those cartoons. what was that word? homage right? yeah an homage.

adrian m : ahhh, I see.

mona lisa: if she were a horse

imcp : oh and not to forget, I love puns too. what can I say? I'm a punny man!!

adrian m : huh... okay now, THAT was lame. now before we stray off into a topic abt your rather in-depth knowledge in humor, lets get back to our discussion abt ummm...your career. what is it do you really want to do in life? where do you see yourself in say, 10 years?

imcp : in all seriousness, I'm not entirely sure myself. back when I was a kid I've always dreamed of making video games but then I thought it was impossible to achieve. it wasn't until last Spring when I took the course Intro to the Video Game Industry that I was inspired to seriously consider finding ways to break into the video game business for real. given the opportunity, I'd most definitely become a game designer. not as a code programmer or computer graphics artist of course, but maybe sth along the lines of a creative consultant. you know, as someone who comes up w/ the ideas for games.

adrian m : so basically the brains of the production team huh?

imcp : I guess you could put it that way. but if not, I'm most likely gonna end up as a govt. servant or some lecturer. still... I have considered other options like becoming a writer or even a cartoonist. we'll just have to see how things turn out.

adrian m : I see, I see.... oh, oh, here's a question that I bet everyone wants to know! why are you an mcp? what's w/ the women-hating schtick?

imcp : okay now first of all, I never said that I hated women. I just....look down upon them. I mean, if I were to truly despise females, who's gonna do all the cooking, cleaning and taking care of imcp jr.?

adrian m : okay...

imcp : yeah, and um...secondly, I could rant all day abt various reasons why I'm a misogynistic asshole, but some of the explanations have already been (either explicitly or implicitly) mentioned in previous entries so I guess a short answer would be it's simply because I think men in general are superior to women.

adrian m : whoa, hold on there. that's pretty debatable right? I mean, not trying to make us sound weak or anything, but what makes you think that guys are indeed better than girls? do you have some kind of proof to back up this claim?

imcp : ahh...err...you know what? let's not go into an in-depth discussion abt this.

adrian m : and why not?

imcp : like I said, I've discussed it in detail in a previous entry (see Battle of the Sexes), and even if we argue back & forth for hours, we both know that chances are, we probably won't change our views on the subject anyways so it's pointless. I'll always be a chauvinistic prick and that's that.

adrian m : hey, who knows? I might be able to convince you to change your ways or sth. anything's possible ya know.

imcp : oh yeah, sure. and I have a beautiful singing voice that could charm cows and pigs.

adrian m : *laughs* anyway, I think this interview is already getting long. wouldn't want your readers to be pissed w/ another long entry now do we? any last thoughts you wanna share?

imcp : bah. screw those who complain abt my long entries. since I'm the one who's gonna publish this anyways, maybe I'll take the opportunity to promote YOU to all the ladies out there reading this. adrian mythia is a lonely and horny single guy who is in desperate need of some lovin'. girls, pls get to know him.

adrian m : what the hell?

imcp : and I'm gonna be all like: "his e-mail address is bla, bla, bla. I'd put up his pic but the only one I found on the net is too disturbing; w/ a face only a mother could love" (literally). yeah, that'd be awesome. *evil smirk*

adrian m : dude! I will kill you if you publish that!! don't you [censored for explicit language]

imcp : ahah! you know what? I'm gonna put that up word-for-word and then censor it because it's vulgar and inappropriate.

adrian m : what do you mean "vulgar & inappropriate"? I wasn't even swearing!! I see you cuss and say [censored for explicit language] all the time on your blog.

imcp : yeah, but since I'm the site owner, I'll censor whatever I want just because I can. heh heh heh.

adrian m : *sighs* fine. whatever man. guess this wraps it up.

adrian mythia can be reached at mythia_man@yahoo.com, provided you're not advertising for sex pills. feel free to give comments or whatever.

10 Things I Learned in College

2005-12-18T21:50:00.000-05:00

1. if you don't have enough money to buy textbooks (or you just happen to be an idiot who registers for literature classes almost every freakin' semester and is tired of spending 100+ on short novels that don't have much resell value) start visiting the library very often. just make sure you have good pre-made lies or half-true stories to feed your instructors and hope they don't actually notice why you never seem to bring the same edition of books as everyone else for class discussions. furthermore, the library's also a good place to take a nap/make out in-between classes.

2. the best classes should be sometime in the morning (around 11 am, but 9.30 am is still okay I guess). anything earlier than that requires you to actually wake up early. and if you're a lazy bastard like me, try to schedule your classes in such a way that you'd have an extra weekend or two (e.g. not taking any classes on Fridays).

3. get a bike and cycle to class everyday. even better, leave the apartment abt 10-15 mins before class and cycle like crazy to your destination. it's a really good form of exercise (and ppl actually wonder why I can maintain a rather "slim & petite figure"). of course if you're a guy, it's highly advisable to try and avoid taking too many bumps on the road because you could potentially squash your nuts on the seat which hurts like hell.

4. sitting in front of the class (esp. in lecture halls) is overrated. rarely do I ever encounter a problem hearing what the professor says or seeing what’s being written on the board when I'm sitting somewhere in the back (I like to compare it to the experience of watching movies at theatres. you get a better view not being in front.). besides, sitting in the back also gives you the opportunity to sleep in class a lot easier without being caught. that way when you're drooling in sleep it wouldn't necessarily be embarrassing because not many will notice it.

5. college life is dull, boring, and monotonous. everyday is practically the same. you can solve this problem by finding sth actually worthwhile to do when you're not busy studying or finding ways to flirt w/ that certain someone who's so far away, you pathetically consider your IM sessions as "cyber dating". get a job, be involved in extracurricular activities, get a hobby (video games + trading card games) or travel around if you can. if all else fails, it's always possible to ask a friend to take snapshots of yourself being sexually assaulted by a giant plushie duck.

6. college life can also be stressful (studies, bad relationships, drugs, whatever the fuck a typical college student could get into). here's some tips on how to cope up w/ the stress:

-the real man's way: blame it on everything and everyone but yourself. the world is unjust & unfair and you're nothing but a victim. bad grades? a conspiracy involving your professor and the university's registrar. relationship gone sour? your ex was a slut. problem w/ substance abuse? peer pressure. it was never your fault that you got into whatever mess you got yourself into. oh, and while venting your frustrations, be sure to go all psycho and start kicking chairs + tables and screaming for no apparent reason (the more dramatic, the better).
-the women's guide: if you think that you're responsible for some kind of misfortune that befell on you, then you're probably right. yup, blame nobody but yourself you guilty whore. womenfolk make stupid decisions all the time, so it shouldn't be surprising why they usually end up doing sth that'll really fuck themselves up. you prolly got dumped because your gut resembles the multiple layers of roast beef in Arby's sandwiches and that you have eyebrows bushier than Adam Carolla's. your friend(s) hate you because you're a double-faced, backstabbing, conniving skank. oh and just so you know, the whole world doesn't like you either. ever contemplated suicide before? well stop thinking abt it and just get it over w/ bitch...
-the imcp method: deny everything. all your problems will go away if you ignore them long enough.

you know how girls like to post pics of their feet + shoes on their blogs/friendster profiles? I thought maybe I'd join the bandwagon and posted an illustration of my right foot with a slipper. yeah, I know. it's sexy as hell.

7. procrastination pays. you usually come up w/ the strangest + creative ideas & arguments when the deadline is just around the corner (esp. on night before it's due). just be sure you have about 10-15 mins before class to print out the assignment and to get your ass to the class. (NOTE: this is highly unadvisable if you're an untalented loser who has to send essays to the Writing Services for proofreading. you need several extra days to send it to them before getting it back for rewriting anyways. and yes, for the record, I've never been to the Writing Services myself. not even once. it's actually more abt me being a lazy asshole who thinks that going there is too much of a hassle. besides, I'm confident abt my writing abilities and as a part-time grammar/spelling nazi, I've never had too much problem in those areas either). *ego-stroking session ended*

8. plagiarizing is a no-no when doing research papers. quote and write proper citations where necessary (although, I do suspect that most of the times, your undergrad instructor will prolly never even bother to verify any of sources mentioned). if you're desperately in need of research subjects/case theories/experimental observations etc, and you don't have enough time to obtain actual data, just make them up. be creative w/ the names to avoid being caught (e.g. your professor might be suspicious if you cited a "Dr. Fitzgerald Purplepoopypants" as your source. try combining the names of ppl you know to make it interesting and more believable).

9. coffee is a college student's best friend. when the deadline of an assignment or an exam looms near, drinking a hot cup of coffee helps you get through the night without accidentally dozing off. sometimes it even acts like a stimulant that gets you going whenever you're suffering from writer's block. of course, over consuming the black beverage and developing an incredibly high dependency on it could have disastrous results (e.g. you know you're not in good shape when your eyes are all red like a junkie, your breath reeks of stale coffee, visions can go slightly blurry at times, you start vomiting for no reason and you get easily annoyed at the smallest of things). but overall, I suppose these side-effects are negligible. in fact, if it weren't for the caffeine influence, I prolly wouldn't have been able to successfully remain awake throughout the period of that one time I decided to go w/o any slumber for 72 hrs.
useless fact#1: I was able to make up for any lost hours of sleep by sleeping for abt 16 hrs when it was over. this was slightly less than my previous record of sleeping 18 hrs straight due to exhaustion.
useless fact#2: I've been recently challenged by one of the guys to go w/o sleep for 4 days (96 hrs, no excuses). the stake is 20 USD. hmmm...more hot java for me then. will I make it through? tune in to find out...

10. blogging (which seems to be a favorite pastime of college students nowadays) is a fine way of improving one's writing skills (which definitely helps when taking any classes that require lotsa written assignments). it's sth that I actually enjoy doing; sth to pass time between rare moments of actually studying, letting out raunchy farts that smelled like death and playing video games. the blog itself is like a venue where you can express your creative side or vent whatever frustrations you have abt life. but then again, you know you've hit rock bottom when you start blogging abt lame "top 10 list" like this. yeah, I need to get a life.

No Strings Attached

2005-11-27T23:40:00.000-05:00

DISCLAIMER:
this op-piece has been rated 18SXSGRPAPLPG-13NC-17OMGWTFBBQ
topic may contain vulgar language, sexual themes, a dead zebra and even toilet humor. you have been warned.

"No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main; if a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friends or of thine own were any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind; and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for thee." - John Donne

Have you ever wondered what life would be like if you were able to live self-sufficiently without the need or dependency on others at all? yes, I know the very thought of such a thing is an impossibility for we humans are social beings after all. perhaps, it's because our own existence is tied to a constant state of lacking, which probably explains why we're always seeking for comfort and assistance from those around us. but still... the prospect of having few to no reliance on others grants such freedom that one normally couldn't afford when bounded by the many social and interpersonal relationships in our everyday life. imagine not having to deal w/ betrayals or treachery; not being heartbroken or having to grief over the death or departure of a beloved, and being able to take whatever risk in life without having to worry abt the repercussions to anyone but yourself...wouldn't life be simpler and a hell lot easier that way?

in economics, the concept of externality is explained as an effect caused by a decision made by a certain party (or parties) on others whose interests were not taken into account during the decision-making process. this effect could be positive (benefits unforeseen to the decision maker/s) or negative (undesired consequences or costs imposed as a result of the decision made). for instance, a productive chemical factory which pollutes may think that it is merely operating to seek profit, but the pollution it generates imposes a cost on other people because of the hazardous environment it creates (the pollution is considered to impose a cost because resources are needed to clean up the chemical wastes, or at least pay for medical bills from illnesses that were contracted as a result of the chemical exposure). similarly, if I were to buy myself a cell phone, while my decision may have been based purely on my desire to be able to communicate other people, at the same time it also benefits other people as they are now able to contact me more easily. in a sense, an externality is like a “spillover” effect, where one’s own decision could “unintentionally” affect others in a negative or positive way. so what does this have to do w/ anything anyway?

well, if you actually give some thought abt it, the idea of building relationships w/ those around us is somewhat comparable to decisions which create externalities. knowing another human being means that attachments, whether it's social or emotional will be built. feelings like love, hate, fear and sorrow develop in other ppl based on the things we do whether we are deliberate to invoke such emotions or not. consider an example of a couple that are deeply in love w/ one another. as lovers, you could say that both serve as emotional support to each other; when one feels depressed, the other will do whatever it takes to cheer or make things right again for his/her beloved. so everything's all good right? but if you look it from another perspective, being in that relationship means that at any time, either one of them will make decisions that will possibly affect the other in negative way. for instance, every time one of them looks at another girl/guy, the other might feel jealous; when one disappears w/o a trace or falls ill, the other becomes worried; if one goes away, the other feels sad. sometimes it can even be sth so trivial that one of them does which makes the other feel terribly upset. you see where I’m going w/ this?

of course, some might quickly point out that it's only obvious that lovers have a relationship which requires a strong commitment, but the point here is to demonstrate that any human relationship create externalities which most of us might us realize. although, one could argue that the major difference between an actual externality in economics and the implications of human relationships is that the former imposes a “real cost” while the latter doesn't, the similarity that both involves one person's decision being able to affect others (whether it's directly or in-directly) cannot be simply ignored. perhaps a clearer and more accurate explanation could be given when we observe the relation between human relationships and politics and how they correlate w/ externality.

VISUAL INTERLUDE

there's something abt this image that doesn't seem quite right...

first off, forget whatever bullshit you've heard abt politics being a science of government and whatnot (yes, it may be one of the definitions provided by the dictionary but just bear w/ me for a moment and ignore those text-book definitions). politics, in essence, is actually the art of using one's own influence over others in a manner w/ enables you to attain specific goals. it doesn’t matter whether it's in the government or corporate scene, as long as you're able to impose your will to affect others' decisions for whatever purpose, you are engaging in politics. now what usually grants a person the ability to influence those around him/her is some form of authority, like holding important positions (e.g. being a manager at a company or a high-ranking government official) but this may not always be the case. someone, who might seem like a nobody to you and me could actually be very powerful as long as he/she is able to influence those in higher positions to do their bidding. simply put, politics is like a game of manipulation where ppl use one another as “tools” for whatever intentions there may be. but the interesting part of it is actually identifying these means of manipulation and how they can even occur in the first place.

imagine yourself working at some reputable company. during your starting years, you decide to be on good terms w/ your higher ups, building a good reputation along the way. at the same time, you develop friendship w/ various co-workers, even to the extent of trusting some of them to confide some secrets (which is presumably normal since you’re friends right?). years later, you get promoted to a nice, cushy position in the company. so one day, one of your “friends” decides to ask you if you could “help” him/her get promoted too. so do you agree to help or not? now what some may not realize here is that various people are already using their influences over others to help them achieve their goals. your “friend” is using his/her influence over you (in the form of friendship) to get the promotion he/she needs, and you, if you decide to help that friend, will probably use your influence w/ your higher ups (after years of maintaining good relations w/ them) to help said friend. but so what? even in politics, it’s only normal to help your friends right?

in his essay The Nature of the Firm, British economist Ronald Coase (who coincidently developed the Coase theorem which deals on the problem of externalities and ways of solving it) argued that firms exist because they do not have adequate resources to operate independently. it basically explains why large enterprises consist of various small units which are dependent on one another, why we see company mergers, or why public stocks are issued. because nobody is inherently resource-sufficient to do whatever they want, that’s why they need to pool whatever resources they can get to be able to operate efficiently.

now if you look it from this perspective, you will notice how similar it is to the reason why we get involved in politics. in the corporate world, they call it “networking”. basically, you're using various contacts from your social network to influence specific ppl to help you get what you need. because we are not readily sufficient in whatever resources/means to achieve our goals, we require the assistance of others and this is only guaranteed if you have some sort of influence over them. vying for that much needed job that pays well? w/o at least some brownnosing to your bosses or getting to know the right people, you definitely won't go anywhere (and under certain circumstances, you could possibly even lose your job). in the case of your friend, it pretty much explains why he/she needed your help in getting that promotion in the first place. of course there's nothing truly wrong w/ helping your friends and relatives through politics, but the real concern is, at what costs? is playing the political game really abt gaining advantage w/ no strings attached?

one important trait of externality is that it is reciprocal. consider my earlier example of the pollution-spewing factory. from one perspective, it cannot be denied that the factory imposes a cost on people through the pollution it creates. but if you look it at another way, can you not say that because there were people near the factory, only then the pollution actually became an issue? if there weren’t people nearby who suffered from the pollution, the factory wouldn't really affect anybody right? in other words, the people's mere presence, in a sense, also imposes a cost to the factory at the same time. of course there’s the issue concerning the environment or how this could be solved through property rights but I’m not gonna go tit for tit into that (heh, heh. I said tit). the only focus here is to show the reciprocal nature of externality through the example given.

before I end up digressing even further w/ more economic jargon and bullshit, what I want to prove is that in the game of politics, the same reciprocal nature is also involved amongst its participants. every time you establish a relationship w/ somebody to gain some influence over him/her, that very same person also gains some influence over you. for instance, that person who just helped you obtain something through “backdoor means” could just as easily ask you to return the favor some other time. this is to say that both of you could simply use each other as tools to further your own agendas. but the real issue here is when a conflict of personal interests arise during this process of "asking/returning favors". in the aforementioned company analogy, your friend is asking for your help to get the promotion after being your dedicated companion all this while. so it only makes sense to show some appreciation by helping him/her, right? but what if you realize that your friend is not exactly competent for the job? do you simply refuse the friend's request? keep in mind that due to the fact that both of you have a considerable amount of influence on each other (the reciprocal nature remember?), hence it is not impossible for the friend to use that influence in the form of a threat to coerce you to do his/her bidding. perhaps that friend also happened to be a confidant during your early years at the company and he/she may know some of your dark secrets which could be easily used as blackmail. even if he/she has no dirt on you, slandering and gossips are not uncommon tactics in politics. because everyone has some sort of influence on one another, you can never be sure who's really friend or foe. one minute you’re buddies, and the next thing you know, that so-called "friend" is plotting your downfall just because you decide to refuse a "favor".

allow me to illustrate this in a more detailed scenario. imagine that you have a small business which you started on your own. wanting to expand to make it more profitable, you decide to have several business partners. as I said, firms exist because they cannot survive as small independent units. similarly, having business partners means you have more capital for your business to work w/, while distributing risk to others (so that a possible bankruptcy won't be too hard on you). so it's perfectly reasonable, yes? now let's say, after a while, one of your partners seems to have a personal conflict w/ you (maybe a clash of ideals regarding how the company should be run, personal opinions on politics, general dislike towards your personality after knowing the real you, etc.). regardless of the cause, the main problem is that since he also shares an influence over the business (because of the partnership), he could just as easily threaten you over this dispute using said influence. he could simply pull out of the partnership, maybe try to implicate in you in some sort of scandal involving dubious financial activities in the company, or worse, plot w/ your other partners to turn against you to wrest the majority control of the business itself. sounds far-fetched? not really. *if you've actually been paying attention reading all the way up to this point, I just want to tell you that I have an incredibly large penis*. this scenario of business partners turning on each other is no different than what we see of politicians backstabbing their very own comrades to further their own political interests. just look at what happened to Malaysia's former DPM, Anwar Ibrahim. whether he's truly guilty or not isn't really my concern, but the fact that he was betrayed by some of the very same ppl who were once his allies when he was sacked shows how fucked up politics can be.

yes, yes, I know I’m beating a dead horse here; everyone knows politics has its ugly side but I just feel the need to reiterate that before moving on to my next point. besides, beating dead animals esp. horses (or zebras, whichever works fine) is fun. anyway, now let's tie up everything back to my original argument concerning human relationships and the implications that are similar to externalities. what I've just shown you in my case on politics is that just as much as you're getting the “good stuff” out of knowing somebody, you're also putting yourself in a position where you're very likely getting “the bad stuff” as well. me knowing you, while it gives me an opportunity to love, care, respect, admire or ask assistance from you, also means giving you the opportunity to hate, despise, look-down or take advantage of me. it's a two-way relationship that simply cannot be avoided.

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"the world and the way it would be: if cats could use the toilet by themselves"

the thing abt externality is that it could happen to anyone, anywhere at anytime. that guy standing beside you puffing away his cigarette, or that blaring loud music coming from your inconsiderate neighbor's boom box at 1 am; all of these are forms of externality which can actually impose costs to you (cancer from secondhand smoke and noise which prevent you from sleeping or studying). it's even more complicated within the context of human relationships. the "sphere of influence" (the number of ppl affected/implicated from one person's decision) is so hard to measure, you'd actually be surprised to see how one small thing that you do could affect so many ppl that you know in a moment's instant. a married couple for instance, has a sphere of influence that not only involves the husband and wife (and quite possibly their children) but it includes their own respective families, in-laws and to a certain extent, close friends and relatives as well. this means that at any time, a decision made by either the husband or wife would immediately affect those in the sphere of influence (the parents + in-laws) whether it’s intentional or not.

as an example, if I were offered say, the title of ‘Dato’ by some Sultan, and I decide to reject it due to my own personal political/ideological reasons, that decision alone has more repercussions that I'd care to imagine. my in-laws might view me more unfavorably (because I wasted a good opportunity to become a Dato’ for stupid reasons), while my parents might be criticized by others who think that I'm an ingrate for refusing honors that was given to me (because a person's behavior reflects the kind of parenting he/she was given, see?). on the other hand, if I do accept that title, I shouldn't be too surprised if some distant relatives or friends suddenly decide to pop up in front of my door and start asking for favors now they know that I'm a somebody. you see how a single decision (whether to accept that title or not) has implications that could involve so many ppl? now imagine how this would be at a corporate or government level, where the sphere of influence could be so large (so many ppl could get affected in many ways), it's impossible to determine the scale or magnitude of politics that might be involved.

now the solution offered in Coase theorem in regards to the problem of externalities is basically to internalize the costs imposed. what this means is that, from a purely economic perspective, barring the presence of transaction costs, the two parties involved will try to reach a mutual agreement to correct any externalities. using the factory-pollution analogy, the factory, realizing that it imposes a cost on ppl through its pollution, might pay a specified amount of money (which was agreed upon during the agreement) to “internalize” that cost. in other words, the factory is essentially paying money to buy the rights to pollute. sure this may sound weird at first, but Coasian economists argue that the money paid is basically a resource that can be used to clean up any chemical wastes or pay for the medical bills (it's better than the factory just polluting and not being held accountable for it, correct?). and in fact, the Coasian principle of rectifying externalities through cost internalization has been used as a general political tool regarding environmental regulations many times (believe it or not). but back to the main point. unlike in economics where the two parties involved are easily identified, as I said, the sphere of influence from human relationships is too large and unpredictable. we can never tell for sure how many ppl will be affected from a single decision we make, so how do we deal w/ the externalities that come from it?

if Ronald Coase's solution to externalities is to internalize the costs, maybe a slightly similar approach could be used. basically, one way we can internalize the "costs" of human relationships is to limit the number of individuals involved by restricting the sphere of influence. in other words, since we cannot totally avoid implicating others from our decisions, why not limit our own social network to minimize the number of ppl that would be affected? the less ppl you know, the less likely you would affect other ppl and vice versa. simple enough is it not?

if some of you are still clueless where I’m going w/ this, the whole reason for this long-winded series of arguments is to simply promote my own belief in the idea of isolationism. seriously speaking, I think our lives might actually be a lot easier if we minded our own business and not get involved w/ anybody else. my observation of politics and comparisons to the economic concept of externality has just proven that, the more ppl that you know, the more likely you’d potentially end up being in a miserable state. even developing strong emotional attachment to someone (as lovers or whatever) can cause you so much grief; trusts could be abused, hearts could be broken, disappointments and whatnot. so why bother? who knows, the world might probably be a better place if everyone just kept to themselves.

of course this is definitely in sharp contrast to our human nature as social sentient beings. as John Donne once said (quoted in the very beginning), "no man's an island". we humans lack various material and emotional needs, which is why we need to depend on each other to fulfill those needs. even I cannot deny this simple fact.. but despite acknowledging this, from what I’ve seen and experienced in my life, there are times when I cannot help but think that at least, I myself would be better off being alone rather than mingle w/ other ppl. the Blues Brothers once sang in one of their tunes, that “Everybody needs somebody”. to me, the real question is: do I need other ppl as much as they need me?

I've always believed that real men should always be able to solve their own problems by themselves. of course, some of you might think this is just another stupid display of machismo but it's actually more than that. it's a matter of pride; how a man must be able to prove his worth to his own self. sure, ppl can have whatever perceptions they want (be it good or bad) abt you, but the most important thing of all is that you have a positive perception of yourself. and being able to sort out your own personal conflicts is a sure way of proving your own worthiness, that you are at least capable of taking care of yourself. this is not to say that I don't need other ppl's help when I'm in trouble, but in all my life, I have never depended on anyone else whenever I had personal problems. not my parents, siblings, relatives, friends or even close buddies. ppl who fall into deep depression because of their “inner demons” usually need some sort of assistance, be it consoling words from friends/family, the care & comfort from loved ones, drugs, alcohol or even professional help (therapy). not me. the “inner demons” are mine and mine alone and no matter what ppl might think or say otherwise, I will always believe that it is a problem that I’m meant to confront and nobody else's business. it's my problem so I should be the one dealing it alone.

I grew up being constantly reminded by my old man “to not be indebted to others”. his simple reasoning is that “nothing’s free in this world” because ppl will almost always expect sth in return in some shape or form. from the way I see it, even if I accept what might seem a simple well-intentioned gesture, I've just allowed myself to be bound to return a favor that could potentially screw me over. it basically reinforces my belief that I need to be more self-dependent above all and not rely on others. and it really doesn't help that I’m still haunted by the memories of my own spoilt childhood, which always made me feel the constant need to prove my own capability to everyone else. dependency on others is like a sign of weakness, as if I'm incapable of taking care of myself. if I can prove that I can survive on my own, why do I even need the presence of others in my life?

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note: product has has not been approved by the FDA. results between individuals may vary (so don't be surprised if you end up becoming the end result of a pig + cow mating that was half melted in the microwave)

one could argue that the real reason behind my preference for self-dependence through isolationism is because it makes my take on life a whole lot easier. maybe it's because I'm a just natural-born slacker who's merely shirking my obligations to those important to me, or (to an extent) society as a whole. by not having any attachments to anyone, I'm free from any responsibilities except to myself. no burden at all. people do not cause trouble for me and I cause no trouble for them. simple and easy. or maybe, a part of me simply doesn't want to allow myself to get hurt and therefore decides that the best possible way to deal w/ it is to just shut off from everyone completely. hey, at least it guarantees that nobody can mess me up emotionally, am I not correct? as some would say, “the best offense is a good defense”. a classic case of Hedgehog's Dilemma? hmmm... I'm not entirely sure myself. nevertheless, it does shed some light to as why I can be an extremely anti-social prick at times...

now when I think abt it, this might partially explain my own hostile attitude towards women. what better way to not get emotionally hurt by “nature’s weaker sex” by denying them the opportunity to break my heart in the first place, no? strangely enough, there are times when I do wonder why some of my attempts to repel members of the opposite sex usually result in an opposite effect as intended. whenever I become increasingly antagonistic towards women, for some reason, there will be girls who find my rather “extreme” behavior to be a peculiar subject worthy of being scrutinized. this probably explains why I tend to have more conversations w/ women when I’m more of a chauvinistic scumbag. it’s like these girls are drawn to me like how they're attracted to handbags, shoes, stupid metrosexual-looking male celebrities or whatever the fuck that girls are into these days. how ironic indeed.

I guess, my biggest gripe w/ this whole thing on human relationships and externalities is that I truly think it's unfair how one person's decision could easily implicate others. back in high school, I've always hated when the seniors decide to punish the whole batch because of one person's misconduct. I mean, it's not my fault, so why must I be held accountable? why should I suffer for someone else's mistake? if you fuck up on sth, why should it be of any concern to me? sure I may sound like a selfish jerk who only looks out for nobody but himself, but this isn't exactly the case. I do have a bit of compassion for my fellow men and I almost never refuse a friend who's in need. I know the feeling of helplessness and the desperation for assistance, and even if I personally feel that you've done great injustice by getting me involved in your problems, I'm not one who's shy to give a helping hand. sometimes I'm actually surprised how I could end up offering advice or comforting words to close buddies when I'm actually in a much worse shape than they are.

but more importantly, I'm much more concerned abt how I affect other ppl rather than the other way around. I may be a proud person but I'm also not afraid to admit my own flaws. I'm reckless, careless, irresponsible and not to mention extremely headstrong. and it is because of these weaknesses that I think it wouldn't be fair to those close to me to be implicated in any shape or form as a result of my reckless + careless antics. like I said, a man should always deal w/ his own problems, and that means that if I’m gonna somehow fuck up myself, it should never ever affect other ppl in any way. looking back at all of the stupid things I've done in my life, I'm thinking that maybe those who I now hold dear to me would've prolly been better off not knowing me. seriously ppl, if you don't know me well enough, then good for you. you're not really missing anything (well except maybe not being able to engage in some “colorful” banter w/ quite possibly the most charismatic mcp to ever grace the planet, but that’s definitely not sth to look forward to). and to those who are indeed stupid enough to be intrigued to know me, just keep in mind that my ultra-sharp jabs can and will make you either cry or feel the burning urge to kill me, so I strongly suggest that you steer clear away from me while you still can (really, it takes skill to be an asshole like me).

on the flip side of being unattached, not having any strong emotional bonds to anyone does help me cope up w/ whatever emotional strains that life may offer. because I don't trust ppl too much to begin w/, I'm not at all surprised by betrayals or treachery; deaths of friends and family members, while painful as hell deep inside, become emotions that can easily be buried; and as much as I value my friendships highly, not being too close to anyone means no problem w/ partings. no tears or sappy goodbyes, awkward hugs, dramatic farewells or whatever (besides, I've always thought a man should take his leave in silence). of course, some might argue that this is just a form of self-denial, but I prefer to compare it to a situation where you're in an important competition, and by not having your hopes too high, you won't end up being frustrated as much when you lose. in essence, if you don't put too much into sth, you don't risk being disappointed. either way, it's a win-win situation for you.

in any case, I think I've already rambled far too long into this matter (you know, considering the amount of extensive work I actually did to write this piece of crap, this entry could arguably pass for a legit research paper). I suppose in the end, the real shame is that I’m still not able to find a proper way to resolve my dilemma. as much as I want to defend my justification for isolationism, the fact that we humans have been created as creatures that are co-dependent on each other means that there's absolutely no way for me to survive by myself. even in exile, I cannot avoid from harming others as my decision to alienate myself from everyone might actually hurt the feelings of those who do care abt me. regardless of what I do, I'll always somehow drag other ppl into my own personal mess. it's like no matter what, I'm boned.

maybe I should focus more on the benefits of having ppl in my life instead of worrying how they may burden or cause grief to me. as a close friend in high school once told me, “ it is better to have lived and experienced joy and sadness w/ others than to thread a lonely path in life that only ends in misery”. maybe I'm just being too harsh on myself. sooner or later I’ll prolly have no choice but to learn to actually trust and open up to others rather than bottle up my own inner conflicts. perhaps one day, I'll find someone who’s willing enough to share some of the hardships I face in life. but until then, my not-too-distant future seems to be that of your typical lonely hermit living on top of the hill in some secluded mansion (Citizen Kane anyone?). I'll prolly even be a constant object of ridicule for youngsters who simply like to harass me because I'm such a grouchy old fart. of course by then we better have friggin' lightsabers so I can just cut off those punks in the knees whenever they fuck w/ me. yeah, I'm gonna be a great old man indeed.

The Fugly Duckling

2005-08-31T23:05:00.000-05:00

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...

it was a beautiful sunny day at the lake. the mother duck has been sitting on her clutch of eggs for quite some time, and at last when the moment arrived, she was thrilled to see that they were finally hatching. all 8 ducklings came out, but to her surprise, there was still one egg remaining. a rather large one even. her webbed feet were already cramped from sitting for so long, but she decided to continue to sit on it anyways. eventually, it hatched and out came a weird looking duckling that was different from the others. and then..... ahhh screw it...

there's a new, uninvited guest at my apartment. no, I'm not talking abt ajis, he helps us w/ the cooking, so he's cool. I’m talking abt this walking piece of shit:

the culprit in question

so I was just sitting around the living room one summer night, catching an episode Mind of Mencia on Comedy Central while scratching my left nut, when out of nowhere, this yellow-feathered fiend just barged in through the door and suddenly proclaims that he wants to live here.

no knocks, no greetings and not even a hello. this complete stranger just waltzes into my home and suddenly decides that he wants to reside at my place? wtf!!?

I think he mentioned sth abt being too ugly to hang out w/ his buddies or some shit and that it's too hot for him outside, hence the need for a cool place for shelter. speaking of cool shelters, for some reason the apartment sometimes gets so cold that my nipples get hard. wait. why am I telling this to you ppl again?

so yeah, I don't take kindly to unwanted intrusions, but since I was in no mood for some ass kicking, I decided to let him hang around anyways. now as a general rule, Ikram and I try our best to accommodate all guests to our apartment as we can. but then, there are times when some retard suddenly decides to take the whole notion “make yourself at home” a lil' too seriously.

without the slightest hint of shame, ducky decides to help himself w/ my dinner. kinda reminds me of 'someone'

so I was watching Judge Judy the other day (I was bored) when our fat feathered 'friend' comes in and decides that he wants to watch tv too. snatching the remote from my hand, he changes the channel to Oprah. I told him that I was watching the other show and didn't appreciate him changing the channels (let alone forcing me to watch sth so offensive like Oprah), but he just turned his face at me and gave me the finger before telling me to fuck off.

later on, I was making my way to the bathroom for a shower this one morning when I was greeted by this:

I don’t even wanna know what he was doing in there

shocked, he starts swearing and cursing at me for the sudden intrusion, which I couldn't understand much anyways because it was more like a series of angry-sounding quacks (hey, I’m very accustomed to foul language, but not fowl language). it wasn't my fault the door wasn't locked. that stupid duck. now I’ve always believed myself to be a considerably patient man but this bird was really getting on my nerves.

one time, the duck really ticked me off when he interrupted me playing WWE: Smackdown! vs. RAW on the PS2, claiming that he had “a good dvd movie” he wanted to watch. curious, I agreed to stop playing to watch it myself. to my utter dismay, it turns out to be some sick gay porno featuring himself.

and I thought that Paris Hilton sex video was bad
(*credits to syah and judd for the original image)

deciding that I will have none of this, I got up and told him to shut it off before heading towards the bathroom to take a leak.

the imcp looks mighty pissed. check out those angry-looking furrowed brows

he just looked back at me w/ those beady black eyes all confused when I told him I didn't want to watch the disturbing shit that he put on

when I got back, to my absolute horror, the fugly duckling was at it again.

hey, that’s MY Kit Kat!!!!

that was the last straw. wearing my jacket without permission while watching a tasteless porno flick was one thing, but YOU DO NOT STEAL ANOTHER MAN'S CHOCOLATE BAR you #@%$^$#!!!!! in a blind rage of fury, I decide to grab a kitchen knife before coming back to the living room. clearly, the duck has to go. besides, I've always wanted to know what Peking Roast Duck tastes like.

I don’t care if you’re a peace-loving hippie, some animal activist or even the PETA, because this duck was just asking to be murdered

to my surprise, the bastard was quick enough to avoid my stabs and quickly put me into a submission hold. either that, or he was actually trying to anal rape me

yeah, I hate ducks.

MORAL OF THE STORY: listen kids: there are absolutely no morals abt this story whatsoever. that stupid duck himself is immoral and should burn in hell.

-THE END-

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on a side note, I decided to name him 'Bill' (because ducks have bills geddit?). that way I have an excuse to write my future exploits to kill him in a follow-up entry called Kill Bill. now all I need is to find a yellow jumpsuit and some katanas...

Feel Good Inc.

2005-08-08T05:05:00.000-05:00

There are times in life when you feel like everything seems so redundant, mundane, boring and predictable, you just wanna break out and escape from it all. the irony of it is that you’re supposed to be grateful that you currently have everything you could ever wish for, living comfortably and being able to do what others, more less-fortunate than you could only dream of. trapped in an endless nightmare called boredom, you struggle hard to claw yourself out of the gutter, wondering how the hell did you end up being caged by the very (so-called) “successful life” you built with your own shoulders. a glimpse into the eyes of your baby sibling, or maybe even those bratty kids playing in the playground behind your apartment, and you realize how much you envy them. such innocence and freedom. being able to enjoy the simplicity of life to its fullest. knowing what it really means to “feel good” about oneself and appreciate even the smallest of things life has to offer. and then suddenly, it finally struck you that I’ve just wasted a few precious minutes of your life by letting you read these incoherent ramblings I just pulled out of my ass.

congratulations. you are a retard.
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summer’s been the shiats. freaky thunderstorms at night, the sun roasting my skin during the day. hell, a few days back I saw a flying bird burst into flames before landing to the ground as KFC boneless chicken strips. must be a case of spontaneous combustion. the insane temperature seems to be driving some ppl crazy. migraines, headaches, fevers and heat-induced stress are not uncommon during these scorching times.

I don’t go out that much nowadays. I can’t even cycle around for a few mins without feeling like wanting to pass out from heat exhaustion. one time, because it was so fucking hot, I blindly ran as fast as I could into a supermarket and slammed my face into the automatic sliding door. I mean, holy fuck: who actually does that?

as always, I’m plagued by sheer boredom. maybe it’s because of the slow, monotonous pace of my everyday life. it’s like I already have nothing really interesting to look forward to. I’m so depressingly bored, I’ve begun looking for magical doors in my wardrobe, hoping that it will transport me to some fairy-tale land with witches, lions and goat-men. unfortunately, the only things I’ve found are pile of bones and several skeletons in my closet. I’ve also eaten a lot of chocolate to kill time, thinking that maybe I’d get a golden ticket that’ll win me a trip to some confectionary-laden factory staffed by cocoa-addicted singing midgets. so far, no luck with the tickets. boo.

I dunno, maybe it’s just that ppl constantly need to do sth that makes them feel good, at least to themselves. I remember seeing my paternal grandmother (my only surviving grandparent) do some needless gardening around her house back in Malacca. she’s already old and could’ve easily asked anyone else to do it for her, but I suppose all those planting and weeding gives her a sense of purpose and not feel utterly bored with the remaining days of her life. come to think of it, when I look at my old man and how he’s still pushing it, I can’t help but think that it probably runs in the family. at 64, it’s been almost 10 years since he retired from UKM and he’s still around giving lectures, writing papers, attending/hosting conferences here and there, traveling overseas w/ my mom doing research for god-knows-what. talk abt dedication.

I called him the other day and we had a nice, long conversation, trying to catch up on many things that have occurred since I left and whatnot. what really surprised me was when he told me of his intention to apply for a fellowship, preferably in the Netherlands, when his contract expires w/ UMS next March (no, he’s not being accompanied by a dwarf, an elf and a wizard to bring a ring to some volcano while being stalked by a deformed hobbit, you morons. check the definition for ‘fellowship’ here). just when you think he’d finally join the ranks of my other senior uncles or like most ppl’s dads, opening or investing in a business or two while relaxing all day long with a game of golf, he’s already made plans to sort of “prolong his career”. I tell ya, that crazy man....sometimes I really wonder what the hell is going on in that mind of his. I suppose it’s just sth that makes him feel good to say the least...

me? my idea of keeping meself occupied (esp. between classes) is to hit the arcades, either w/ a game of pinball or pumping lead into bears w/ Sammy’s Trophy Hunter: Bear & Moose. I dunno; there’s sth clearly exhilarating abt seeing giant walking carpets stand up w/ their hind legs behind shrubs and trees, raising a paw and growling menacingly at you before you respond back by blowing their brains to smithereens. it’s so refreshingly enjoyable to keep me amused, at least till I run out of quarters. besides, bears are gay anyways.

y’know, listening to my old man spew out his future plans to me made me wonder abt my own plans after graduation. hmmm....opening a burger stall by the roadside doesn’t seem too bad of an idea. that, or perhaps a job as a guard at TKC or some all-girls school. then again, w/ so many ppl already wanting me to go back so badly, maybe I should stay here and do sth worthless like drawing comics and write more shitty blog entries just out of spite.

"with less than 45 seconds on the clock and trailing behind by 8 pts, the Pistons decide to go for the offensive against the Spurs"

I’m done. now go kill yourself. please.

2005: An MCP's Odyssey

2005-06-08T22:15:00.000-05:00

The stars glittered like sparkling diamonds scattered all over the ebony-colored skies. I took a deep breath, allowing myself to be enveloped by the gentle morning breeze that was calm and cool. all seemed peaceful. every once in a while, a car or two would whiz pass by, their dark shapes and features betrayed by the bright, glaring streetlights in the distance. as hours went by, the cheerful chirping of crickets in the background was soon replaced by the singing of birds, soaring and scouring for grubs and berries for their morning meal. far in the horizon, colorful hues of violet, pink and orange fill the scenery, later followed by streaks of golden sunshine that would creep through my bedroom's curtain-covered window, signaling the arrival of a new day.

it's been awhile since I had the opportunity to just sit down and do absolutely nothing but enjoy the beautiful view before me in the wee hours of the morning. some ppl I know find it a rather strange or weird thing to do, but then again, these are the same ppl who think I'm crazy because I wanted to go to the museum in Chicago so badly just to see a freakin' T-Rex skeleton. a habit I picked up in high school, I would normally sit by the balcony and gaze at the heavens, admiring the simple beauty of the shining stars. it is during these times that my head is filled w/ thoughts of the ppl I care abt who are constantly apart, as I recollect old memories and ponder abt various questions abt life...

I gave the family a call this morning. more importantly, I had a long father-son talk w/ my old man; perhaps the longest conversation I've ever had w/ him in my entire life. I was desperately in need of his sage advice. up until now, I've always been confused w/ what the hell I wanted to do in my life. I've seriously considered several career paths that I could take upon the completion of my studies; things which I would really enjoy and wouldn't mind spending the rest of my life doing. I grew up as a spoiled brat, and what I wanted, I had to have it. sure it's understandable I might have to hop between several jobs during my first 5 or 10 years or so, but I've always believed that my 'true career' will be sth that I've always wanted to do. of course, the realities of life is that sometimes you really don't have much of a choice but to take whatever offer that's available. it's only common nowadays that one could dream so much of doing one thing, only to spend the rest of your life doing sth totally different altogether. ain't that sad?

yes, there are times when I worry if my obsession to have everything my way could lead me into becoming another jobless bum. it's a well-known fact that you can never be too picky when it comes to finding a job and establishing your career. a childhood friend who recently graduated told me that he is among the 80,000 unemployed grads in Malaysia. sucks to be him. but then, every time I look at the stars and wonder abt my uncertain future, I couldn't help but also worry if someday when I'm old and wrinkled, I'd regret for the rest of my remaining miserable life that I never got to do what I really wanted to.

I guess you could say I'm sick and tired of trying to become like what most of my peers are striving to be. in the past few months, I came to the realization that I really don't want to end up like your typical corporate executive or some high ranking govt. official of sorts. the routine-like traits of such professions bore me. I want to do sth where I am given freedom w/ my own sense of creativity. sth that enables me to try out different things without being confined too much by work pressure. I myself am a loner and prefer dealing w/ as few ppl as possible. and for the love of God, Malaysia is fucking hot, so unless it's a really important formal occasion, I don't want to end up w/ a job that requires a suit and tie everywhere I go. it's retarded. period. and to me, money's never the primary issue when it comes to choosing a career. sure, we all want a comfortable life; to have wealth (which is essential to help you net a nice & wonderful spouse esp. in today's modern and ultra-materialistic society), fame, status and all...but personally, I'd prefer to live a lonely, messed up life, barely surviving to make ends meet, at the same time being able to realize my own wants and desires rather than live a lie, as if those childhood dreams and ambitions that I held so dear all these years meant nothing.

I want to leave a legacy. to be someone or do sth that ppl will remember by, even after when I'm long gone. it's not abt the fame or glory, but the recognition by others is like an acknowledgement of my existence; that I had led a life w/ a purpose. stupid as it sounds, at least if I happen to be successful, I'd die a happy man knowing that my life had some sort of meaning to it. no, I don't plan to be the next Neil Armstrong by landing on Jupiter or some planet (I'd prolly suffocate in the spacesuit from my own farts) and no, I don't plan to be the next "First Malaysian to [insert some trivial achievement done bazillion times by other ppl in other parts of the world]". I want an image of my own, a unique identity which I could always be remembered for. I want to be known as the guy who drew a portrait of a crowned tapir king that farted (see Tapirs Rule for details) or perhaps as a Gary Larson-wannabe w/ his own bizarre and twisted sense of humor (though, in this ultra-sensitive PC* era, I doubt anyone in Malaysia in his/her right mind would publish those disturbing cartoon sketches). hell, I could always follow the suggestion of a buddy and start writing my own books, starting off w/ 'How to become an annoying prick for DUMMIES', followed by 'IMCP's 12 Steps in becoming a true, Misogynistic Asshole'. and just for kicks, maybe a compilation of all of my works in one large book, aptly titled: 'IMCP: The Canon of Idiocies.'

*PC = politically correct

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NOTE: so as not to disappoint my 'fans' out there who come here just to read my stupid comics, here's a strip I came up w/ a few days ago.

"the new inbreeding feature included in the latest games has led to the rise of Pokemons having extramarital affairs"

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come to think abt it, besides wanting to create the future of my career path by my own hands, I look back at my 21 years of life and I realize there are also many other things I haven't done. I want to go places. see the world and experience new things as they say. this is my 2nd time in the States, and I've been to England (twice), Netherlands (twice), France (twice), Italy, Japan, Belgium and Denmark (there may be more, but my memory sucks so that's all I could remember). except maybe for the last two, I bet most (if not all) Malaysians who've been fortunate enough to travel overseas have been to those countries, so visiting any of them isn't special anymore (hey, at least I can still brag what it feels like being in a Belgian flea market or taking a wild coaster ride at the Tivoli Gardens in Copenhagen). and such, I find it only more meaningful if I get to go to places and do stuff that most Malaysians haven't done/been to. I want to try taking a Turkish bath and visit the Grand Bazaar of Istanbul, see the magnificent Taj Mahal of India, fish at the port of Odessa in Ukraine, admire the historical Persian ruins of Persepolis in Iran, the Moai statues of Easter Island, Budapest in Hungary, Ho Chi Minh in Vietnam and more importantly, I still want to see that fucking T-Rex skeleton in Chicago (I was supposed to go there last Spring Break, until several ppl decided to bail out at the last minute).

speaking of traveling places, the guys and I might head towards the Big Apple later this summer (hopefully no one bails out again this time). given the opportunity, I don't even mind going all the way to Alaska to do my very own ice fishing. life's short and my stay here in the States is even shorter. before it's over, I might as well travel around, see and do new things while I can. anyway, all of this talk abt seeing things somehow reminds me of a song from my fave tv show, Family Guy:

You've Got a Lot to See! (sung by Brian Griffin, the dog)

The 60's brought, the hippy breed
And decades later things have changed indeed
We lost the values but we kept the weed
You've got a lot to see!

The Reagan years, have laid the frame
For movie stars to play the White House game
We're not too far from voting Feldman, Haim
You've got a lot to see!

The town of Vegas has, got a different face
Cause it's a family place
With lots to do...
Where in the 50s,
A man could mingle with scores,
Of all the seediest whores
Well now his children can too!

You've heard it from, the canine's mouth
The country's changed, that is except the south
And you'll agree...
No one really knows my dear lady friend,
Just quite how it all will end,
So hurry cause you've got a lot to see...

The baldness gene, was cause for dread
But that's a fear that you can put to bed
They'll shave your ass and glue it on your head
You've got a lot to see!

The PC age, has moved the bar
A word like redneck is a step too far
The proper term is country music star
You've got a lot to see!

Our flashy cell phones, make people mumble gee whiz
Look how important he is,
His life must rule...
You'll get a tumor,
But on your surgery day
The doc will see it and say:
"Wow you must really be cool!"

(interlude by various characters)
There's lots of things you may have missed
Like Pee Wee and his famous wrist,
Or Sandy Duncan's creepy phony eye,
That awesome Thundercats cartoon
Neil Armstrong landing on the moon
Neil Armstrong? Wait was he the trumpet guy?
(end interlude)

So let's go see, the USA
They'll treat you right unless you're black or gay--
Or Cherokee...
But you can forgive the world and its flaws,
And follow me there because,
You've still got a hell of a lot, to see...
You've got ..a .. lot ..to .. see!!

by the way, another year has passed and that means all of you asshats who thought I couldn't remain single till 28 have 6 years left. I seriously recommend that you guys start saving money so that you'll have enough dough to buy me my rightfully earned meals. heh, heh, heh.

The Not-So-Far Side

2005-05-27T17:50:00.000-05:00

"the recurring nightmares was a clear sign that my fear of maths was becoming too much for me..."

"when they're not in class at school, young delinquent deers spend their afternoons harassing ppl by the roadside"

"Greg Raymer's dog decides to join in for a game of poker..."

"unbeknownst to Ford Prefect, some hitchhikers are actually psychotic killers in disguise"

"Edward Scissorhands' first big mistake upon reaching puberty"

yes, I happen to have too much time on my hands.

A Cat & a Fiddler on a Hot Tin Roof

2005-05-11T23:12:00.000-05:00

You know there's something wrong with you when you constantly end up going to the wrong floor and knock on the wrong apartment, only to suffer nothing but utter humiliation when you realize your stupid mistake at the last minute. it's even worse when you could be so preoccupied with sth on your mind that you don’t realize you’re abt to cycle directly into a lamppost and then somehow squash your genitals as a result of the collision. now typically one shouldn't really be bothered by such trivial matters, but when such cases happen all too frequently, you can’t help but wonder if you’re already turning senile or suffering some kind of mental illness of some sort.

yeah, for some reason I’ve been having this problem of concentrating/focusing w/ my mind. since the blunders are sometimes very embarrassing, I find ‘em too disturbing to be ignored. one time, I got back to the apartment in the afternoon feeling all tired & thirsty, I just opened the refrigerator to pour myself a drink. I guess it was the fatigue from all that cycling (or maybe just pure stupidity) that I didn’t realize I was actually pouring orange soda into a bowl. by the time I noticed what I was doing, it was already half full. imagine that. and let’s not forget that one time when I felt so bored, I plopped myself on the couch in the living room to watch tv, only to be frustrated because it won’t turn on even after I pressed the button on the remote repeatedly. seconds later, it finally struck me when I discovered that I was actually holding a telephone in my hand. oh God, I really need some serious help.

according to my housemate Ikram, I may have reached a level of stupidity that rivals Peter Griffin of Family Guy (how flattering Ikram; you bastard). yes, I admit that I’m a bit of an oddball and I have been known to do weird/strange things from time to time. hell, my own youngest sister even thinks I’m crazy (can’t blame her though. back home, when she’s watching tv, I’d roll on the floor and then wriggle around and then tell her “hey Lily, look! look! I’m a caterpillar!!” just to annoy her). but frankly speaking, I think it’s maybe because I tend to daydream and fantasize a lot. and my passion for video games, comic books, animes, toys, cartoon shows and sci-fi/fantasy novels ain’t really helping because it just keeps on reinforcing and boosting my already uncontrollable and excessive imagination.

sure, being very imaginative means I’m creative in some senses (which probably explains why I’m quite good w/ puns, wordplays and exaggerating things), but at the same time, communication can be a real pain because there are times when I unintentionally misinterpret/misunderstand what ppl are saying (w/ some of them having such dire results). it’s already bad enough that I have terrible hearing, but w/ a considerably extensive vocabulary and tendency to come up w/ the most bizarre imaginations possible, I guess it’s unavoidable that some of the conversations I have w/ ppl just end up having a totally different meaning altogether.

one time, I promised some friends I’d attend this debate finals a few years back. I coincidently bumped into several former debating buddies (yes, I’m talking abt you Rais and you too Firdaus) at the Crown Princess in Ampang a few weeks before the competition, and they told me that the event would be held “dekat” Pusat Sains Negara (the National Science Center). now in Malay, ‘dekat’ is literally translated as “near”, but sometimes it’s also used as a slang for “at”. so thinking that the event was “at” the National Science Center, I woke up early that morning, borrowed a camera from my roommate and took a cab all the way from Shah Alam only to end up at the wrong place. yup, I’ve been had (albeit unintentionally) by those bastards. and it was even fucking more embarrassing that the whole place was empty because it was closed for maintenance and cleaning (so I couldn’t cover up and pretend that I was visiting).

one other particular example was this ‘interesting conversation’ I had w/ one of the girls last winter:

imcp: [discussing w/ this quiet girl abt her relationship problem when another girl butts in to talk abt her views regarding her “close-minded grandmother”]

girl: eh imran, do you feel embarrassed if you have to buy me a “pad”? (referring to women’s maxi-pad or sanitary towel/napkin)

imcp: huh? what? a “pet”? w-why would I be embarrassed to buy you a pet?

girl: that’s why. some ppl are just so narrow-minded in their way of thinking, you know. my grandmother, when she’s buying a pad, she would ask the shopkeeper to wrap it in a newspaper. can you believe that?

imcp:... *shocked*
[imagines an old lady in her 60s/70s reaching for the shopkeeper at the counter. she asks for a pet cat and tells him to wrap it in a newspaper. the shopkeeper obliges and grabs a brownish-grey kitten from a cage behind him. he then places the tiny cat on a piece of newspaper and then wraps it like some birthday present]
*thinks to himself* OH MY GOD!!! what the hell is wrong w/ her grandmother? is she insane?

girl: ...and then to cover it up in front of my brothers/male cousins she would sometimes call it “bread”...

imcp:*eyes wide open in disbelief* WTF???!!!!
w-what-- w-why in the world would you grandmother call it a “bread”?

girl: that’s why. I don’t know la. my grandmother would always tell us to keep quiet and hush it from my brothers or any male cousins. she even told us that we should be embarrassed if the men catch us buying it. I mean what’s the big deal w/ buying a pad?

imcp: *thinks to himself* indeed, what’s the big deal w/ buying a pet?
[imagines the old lady carrying a red plastic bag w/ a newspaper-wrapped kitten inside it]
*thinks again* man…that is sick and morally wrong
umm...d-do you want to buy a pet or sth? are you planning to get a cat or a hamster?

girl: [apparently not listening to him and continuing her own rants]
...I mean I ask my boyfriend to buy pad for me sometimes and he doesn’t feel uncomfortable abt it. so what seems to be the problem? and then, bla, bla, bla...

imcp: uhhh... y-you know.. I-I really don’t think our apartment allows any pets in the building. well, m-maybe you could get a goldfish...

girl: [still oblivious to the fact that the conversation has already taken a different direction]
...I really don’t know la imran. do you have any ideas or opinions why some people would think that way?

imcp: I...I-I really can’t say...I mean I personally have no problem buying a pet for a girl...

girl: that’s why...I mean it’s only normal la for girls to buy pads, right? it’s sth they need. I mean if you have to buy a pad for your mother or sister, why should you feel embarrassed, right?

imcp: [finally catching on] *slaps forehead* ohh....owh!!! OHHH!!! you mean you were talking abt “pad”? as in women’s maxi-pad? holy shit. all this time I was thinking you were talking abt getting a house pet.... *thinks to self* oh God, that was embarrassing

yeah, one of these days I just might seek for therapy or sth.

The IMCP Encyclopedia

2005-04-22T23:15:00.000-05:00

I realize a large part of my daily life nowadays is spent on surfing the net. no I don’t look for porn, at least not much anymore…somehow, I got the feeling that ever since watching pics and images of nekkid women became so easy, it’s not fun anymore. instead, I lurk around forums (e.g. Fark.com) or message boards, reading about people’s various ideas and opinions on a wide-variety of matters, some of them pertaining to specific subjects that interest me (like Yu-Gi-Oh!, games or religion) and some just out of sheer curiosity. either that, or I’d read the some articles on Wikipedia.

I dunno why, but for some reason, I’ve always loved reading encyclopedias. hell I would even dare to say that I’ve spent more time reading them compared to novels, books, text-books or even comics throughout my whole life. no it has nothing to do with me wanting to be smart so I that could show off to the whole world. it’s just a peculiar habit I developed since childhood. while most of my peers are busy enjoying their fantasy-themed worlds of heroes or romance in novels/comic books, I find it more interesting to just open an encyclopedia and read some random, trivial shit that nobody really cares about. at the early age of 8, I already knew what the world map looked like (at first, it confused me like hell because I originally thought each country was like a separate piece of land), which was approximately 2 years before the map was formally introduced into our Alam dan Manusia class. and then there were those times I read about whales, Roman + Greek mythology, and dinosaurs (you know, I’ve always dreamed of seeing that T-Rex skeleton at the museum in Chicago ever since I laid my eyes upon that pic in one of the volumes of the Children’s Encyclopǽdia Britannica), yeah those were great memories indeed. I guess that would explain why some ppl are genuinely surprised why I seem to be quite knowledgeable despite being a dim-looking, lazy-ass slacker.

one thing that I noticed is that my habit of spending a lot of time in these forums & reading Wikipedia articles gave me the opportunity to learn a lot of new ideas, terms, sayings, concepts, expressions and quotations. some of them are also obtained through my own experiences in life (e.g. my 5 years in SDAR) or through the various tv shows, movies, comic books or video games that I watch/read/play regularly. since I actually use some of these terms, phrases & quotations in my daily life (or in my blog entries) I thought, maybe it’d be easier to just compile a list of ‘em so you ppl could refer and understand better what the hell I’m talking abt every time I mention them. kinda like my own encyclopedia of sorts. hell, I’ve even taken the liberty to explain their origins and some examples for the context of use:

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1) ‘Jedi’ (“jay-die”): a girl who wears a headscarf (tudung in Malay)
- a term that was originally used by buddy Mero (who’s also somewhat of a Star Wars nut like myself). since the Jedi (a group of mystical knights in the Star Wars universe)are sometimes seen with a hooded cloak (to conceal part of their faces), Mero probably used the term to generalize any women with headscarves as they are reminiscent of a hooded Jedi knight. I myself liked it so much I began to adopt it for my own usage and have been popularizing it to others ever since. another equivalent term used by Bertha (aka ida) is ‘Lightbulb’ (because the heads of girls with headscarves resemble like light bulbs).

2) ‘Makhluk’ (“magh-lok”): a Malay word which means ‘creature’
- this is a term I use when I’m trying to call someone and I forgot (or don’t know) his/her name. sometimes I like to use it to just plainly annoy ppl (usually girls).
e.g.: “eh makhluk, sini kejap!” (oi creature, c’mere!)

3) ‘Fugly’ (“fahg-lee”): really horrible, disgusting-looking
- I know I’ve mentioned it in an entry before, but I’ll still explain it anyways. besides, there’s no harm in reiterating sth right? the term comes from ‘fucking + ugly’, and is used widely on the internet and in conversational American language. I generally use it to make a distinction between a normal-looking person and someone who doesn’t even look human at all.

4) ‘Category F’ (“ka-te-go-rie è-ffu”): a group of fugly people
-the term originally came from a favorite anime show of mine, After War Gundam X. in the show, the main villains, Shagia and Olba Frost, are labeled by this term to indicate their status as rejects within the faction they work for (they were rejected because they don’t have this certain special power that the faction needs). since the term was so memorable, I began associating the ‘F’ with ‘fugly’ and used it to describe a group of people who I consider to have severe aesthetic deficiencies.

5) ‘Butterface’ (“ba-te-rr fèy-iss”): a chick with a hot-looking body but a face only a mother could love (literally speaking that is).
-a term I found on Fark.com. unlike fugly girls, chicks with butterfaces are still fuckable if you cover the face with a grocery bag or sth (kinda like that scene in Scary Movie 2).

6) ‘1337’ (“lee-t”): language that was originally used by hackers.
-also known as ‘leet speak’ (which is the contraction of ‘elite speak’) hackers used a unique (or rather stupid) way of spelling/typing things to distinguish themselves from the rest of us. examples of leet speak include j00 (‘you’), hax0rs (‘hackers’), sp33k (‘speak’) pr0n (‘porn’), w00t (‘what’) teh (‘the’) and ghey (‘gay’). over the years, leet speak eventually got into mainstream net language, its influence most felt especially in online games like Warcraft 3, Starcraft and Counter-Strike. terms like pwned (“own-ed”) which means getting your ass kicked is another good example of leet speak which has been assimilated into the standard net language.

7) ‘Gosu’ (“goe-suu”): being extremely skilled in games like Warcraft/Starcraft
- I’ve mentioned this term in The King of Games so I’m not gonna elaborate much more. in Korean, gosu literally means ‘exceptional’ or ‘superior’ (source: Urban Dictionary).

8) ‘Troll’ (“trr-ole”): an individual who likes to cause mischief and mayhem by posting provocative/annoying messages in forums or tagboards to cause heated arguments.
- I already covered this whole trolling phenomenon in a previous entry. check it out over here

9) ‘Noob’ (“nuu-bb”): a newbie who doesn’t know much abt sth, sometimes I use it to refer to Nublie.
- see The King of Games

10) ‘Jambu’ a.k.a ‘Guava’ (“ja-mm-boo”): a guy who looks cute/has feminine features.
-in male single- sex schools, gay tendencies amongst the students run rampant. so to relieve themselves from the absence of girls, the men look for the next best thing: a jambu. some of them might even get into disputes and fights to decide who gets to be with a particular jambu. the term is probably derived from the Malay word ‘jambu’(not the fruit) which is actually used to describe girls with cute/baby-like physical traits. how it ended up having homosexual connotations is beyond my comprehension. like some of the terms I mentioned above, I’ve already addressed this issue abt jambu in my entry School Daze. in schools like TKC, the female equivalent of jambu is called a ‘Starter’ (where the hell did they come up with these terms?)

11) ‘Ronggeng’ (“wrong-gang”): fuck, copulate, sexual intercourse, screw, get laid.
-this was a term used by my batch members back in SDAR. if I’m not mistaken, ronggeng is actually a name for a Malay dance. the guys might have used it because it sounds similar to ‘Romen’ (“roe-man”), a bastardization of the English word ‘romance’ that carries the same exact meaning.
e.g. “aku dengar ko ronggeng ngan jambu ko semalam” (I heard you fucked your jambu last night)

12) ‘Semak’ (“se-muck”): a state of being utterly distressed, mentally fucked up
-another SDARian term (usually used by seniors) used when you vent frustrations esp around exam periods. term originates from the Malay word ‘semak’, which means messy.
e.g. “arghh!!! semak kepala otak aku!!” (arghh!! I feel so fucked up!!)

13) ‘Kambo’ (“ka-mm-boe”): grope, fondle
-yet another SDARian term. normally used by people who are accusing someone of attempting to grope/fondle another guy.
e.g. “wei ko nak kambo aku ke bangsat?” (hey, are you trying to grope me ya bastard?)

14) ‘Puk-Sha’ (“pook-shaa”): the verbal sound effect used when someone is trying to kambo another person.
-the term is only known by a few in SDAR. it is originally an actual sound effect used in the Hong Kong comic ‘Sea Tiger’ (better known in Malaysia by the dub name Pendekar Laut) by Wan Yat Leung. in the later issues, one of the main characters is captured and tortured by a group of homosexual men (complete with the Village People’s YMCA song lyrics in the background) and during one of the scenes, the torturers began to grope the main character’s ass which is accompanied by the sound effect “Puk-Sha!” (don’t ask me how the bizarre sound effect came to being like that. the comic’s sound effect for a punch was even more ridiculous: it was ‘Klong!’ imagine that. some guy gets punch repeatedly and the sound effects that follow are Klong! Klong! Klong!). the guys in my batch thought it would be funny to pay homage to the comic (it was one of our favorite comics back then) and started using it verbally whenever someone gets fondled or his ass slapped.

15) ‘Mendak’ (“me-nn-duck”): being extremely lazy, unenergetic, lethargic
-a SDARian batch 96’0 exclusive, it is used to describe someone who doesn’t play sports or engage in any physical activity, opting to spend most of his time sleeping or doing nothing (basically a human sloth). the term comes from ‘mendakan’, which is Malay for chemical residue that lumps together near the bottom of the jar after a Chemistry experiment has been conducted. the residue lumps together very slowly and remains inactive at the bottom, which fits the description of slothful ppl who are referred by this term. since my batch was using it so widely, its usage eventually became known to other batches in the school.
e.g. “oi, pegi laa bersukan ke ape. ni manjang dok mendak dlm bilik jer” (go and play sports or sth. you’re always lazing around like a sloth in the room).

16) ‘Poen’ (“poe-ènn”): the nickname of my former debate mentor.
- it’s supposedly a slang term originating from the northern part of Malaysia that carries a ‘unique’ meaning. I never knew what it actually meant until sometime later. for those who are clueless to what it means, I suggest you ask a friend from Kedah or Penang to explain it to you. back then, I find it disturbingly funny when some of the female debaters call him by that nickname (either they really don’t know what it means or they just simply don’t mind calling a dude a female private part). imagine if I were to call you girls ‘penis'....my God that is so fucked up…

17) ‘TLC’ (“tea-èl-see”): the initials of my nickname in SDAR
- back when I was in Form One, my Form 5 seniors bestowed upon me the nickname ‘Talek’ (or sometimes spelled ‘Tarleck’ or 'Talleque'), as an attempt to make fun of one of their own batch members who goes by the name Imran Bukhari bin Talhah (yes, mocking people’s last names was permissible over there). so there was this one time that my batch got into this whole fad of making three-letter initials for their names/nicknames. my buddy paa for instance, whose original nickname was ‘chequn’ (“chee-koon”) used ‘CQN’, a buddy named Yusazlie used ‘USE’, Cobain became ‘CBN’, Black became ‘BLC’ and so on. deciding to jump into the bandwagon, I thought hard to come up with a very recognizable and memorable initial of my own and came up with TLC (yeah, I pretty much relied on the popularity of that black chick R&B group of the same name because it’s easily identifiable). if you know somebody currently studying in SDAR (a brother, cousin or friend) who happens to use a text book that might have the letters TLC scribbled in the pages/on the cover, you can bet your ass that the book once belonged to me. I stopped using the initials after I left the school, part of the reason being that people always misinterpret it as a short form for ‘Tender, Loving, Caring’ (wtf were those ppl thinking?).

18) ‘Tits’ (“tee-ts”): slang for awesome/cool
- no, it has nothing to do with nipples. can’t remember where I first learned it (prolly on the net)
Girl A: “did you hear that liyana jamil actually beat up that chauvinistic bastard imcp recently?”
Girl B: “really? oh man, that is the tits!”

19) ‘Mofo’ (“mow-foe”): the special term I use to call my housemate Ikram to tell him lunch/dinner is ready.
e.g. “oi mofo, jom makan” (oi mofo, let’s eat)

20) ‘Rubber-Tapper’ (“rab-ber tap-per”): a censored variation of mother fucker
-introduced by my jolly senior Ajeep, the term is used as a substitute for mother fucker when talking in front of girls, in the same way that ‘fark’ is used for fuck, ‘biatch’ is used for bitch, ‘shiat’ for shit, ‘barbie’ for babi (a Malay cuss word which literally means pig) and ‘pokèmon’ for pukimak (another Malay cuss word). the reason why the word rubber tapper was chosen was because the last part ‘tapper’ sounds similar to ‘fucker’ in ‘mother fucker’.

21) ‘Shart’ (“sha-rrt”): a fart which is unintentionally accompanied by shit (which is presumably liquefied).
-I came to know this term after watching Ben Stiller’s Along Came Polly. the local term Malays use for the same thing is ‘kincit’.
e.g. “Dude, no. This is serious. I just sharted.” (quote from the movie)

22) ‘Tentacles’ (“tèn-ta-kel-ss”): fucking weird ass alien/demonic monster that loves raping Japanese school girls (esp in locker rooms) for some unknown reason.
-if you are familiar w/ the concept of ‘hentai’, then I bet you would immediately know what the hell I’m talking abt. I’d describe more into detail, but then I thought maybe it wouldn’t be such a good idea to elicit extremely disturbing mental images that even I could not stomach.

23) ‘OMGWTFBBQ’ (“oh-mai-gawd-wat-de-fak-bar-be-qiu”): unlike WTF, OMG (or the more ‘extreme’ OMFG) this term is actually meaningless and makes no sense whatsoever. still, like the other three, it’s used as a response to sth surprising/shocking and is comparable to expressions like ‘Holy Fuck!!??!’ or ‘Holy Shithole’. in a way you could say that the term is a mockery of the many internet acronyms that we use today.
Idiot #1: “did you hear that the imcp now has a girlfriend?”
Idiot #2: “OMGWTFBBQ??!!! are you kidding me?”

24) ‘the Chewbacca Defense’(“de-choo-ba-ka dee-fen-se”): satirical term for any legal strategy that seeks to overwhelm its audience with nonsensical arguments and thus confuse them into failing to take account of the opposing arguments and, ultimately, to reject them (quoted from Wikipedia)
-unless you’re a dedicated fan of South Park/you’ve spent some time at Fark.com, chances are you wouldn’t get this really obscure comical reference. in a second season South Park episode, Johnnie Cochran (the black lawyer who successfully defended OJ Simpson) represented a major record company in a lawsuit against Chef for harassment, in which Chef (a character from the show) accuses the company of copyright violation. in court, Cochran resorts to the Chewbacca Defense which “he used in the Simpson trial”. here’s an excerpt of his argument from the episode (again courtesy of Wikipedia):

“Ladies and gentlemen of the supposed jury, Chef's attorney would certainly want you to believe that his client wrote "Stinky Britches" ten years ago. And they make a good case. Hell, I almost felt pity myself!
But ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, I have one final thing I want you to consider: Ladies and gentlemen this [pointing to a picture of Chewbacca] is Chewbacca. Chewbacca is a Wookiee from the planet Kashyyyk, but Chewbacca lives on the planet Endor. Now, think about that. That does not make sense! Why would a Wookiee—an eight foot tall Wookiee—want to live on Endor with a bunch of two foot tall Ewoks? That does not make sense!
But more important, you have to ask yourself, what does this have to do with this case? Nothing. Ladies and gentlemen, it has nothing to do with this case! It does not make sense!
Look at me, I'm a lawyer defending a major record company, and I'm talkin' about Chewbacca. Does that make sense? Ladies and gentlemen, I am not making any sense. None of this makes sense!
And so you have to remember, when you're in that jury room deliberating and conjugating the Emancipation Proclamation... does it make sense? No! Ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, it does not make sense.
If it doesn't make sense, you must acquit! If it doesn't make sense, you must acquit! The defense rests. Look at the monkey."

25) ‘All your base are belong to us’ (“awl yor bèy-ss ahr bee-long tuu ahs”): a popular ‘Engrish’ phrase, which basically means “you guys just got pwned!!”
- the phrase actually came from the European port of the Japanese Sega Mega Drive game, Zero Wing (during the opening cut scenes). it then became a part of the ‘Internet Phenomenon’ (net fads like the Bonsai Kitten or that 10 yr old grilled cheese sandwich auctioned on eBay that has a supposed semblance to the Virgin Mary) around 2001/2002 and used in various message boards and flash animation clips. eventually, the phrase was so well-known (at least to net geeks), that various comics, video games and tv shows made cultural references abt it. nevertheless, it’s still considered another obscure reference not known by many, which probably explains why my housemate Ikram never understood why I was laughing when one of the alien invaders uttered the phrase in an episode of Futurama.

26) “Apakah Neraka?” (“aa-pa-kah ne-ra-ka”): a stupid Malay translation of the English phrase ‘What the Hell?’
- can’t remember who told me this, I think it was Redz, a buddy of mine who’s currently studying in Wisconsin, Madison.

27) “Tisu…tisu…” (“tee-shoo tee-shoo”): the most memorable line from a famous Malay porn clip
-for those wondering, this is the only thing that makes that notorious Wan Nor Azlin porn clip worth watching. I laughed so hard, I think I nearly died from suffocation after listening her say those magical words.

28) “I’d Hit it!” (“ait-hid-did”): translated as “I would definitely not mind having sexual relations with that woman”
-a phrase commonly used by farkers on Fark.com as a cool (but admittedly shallow) way of rating a girl’s physical appearance (if she’s beautiful or gorgeous-looking that is). McDonald’s once tried using the phrase as a slogan, which begs me to wonder if they’re trying to catch up with the use of ‘hip language’ or they’re really trying to promote ppl into fornicating their Big Macs.

29) “Talk to the Hand” (“tok-tuu-de-hèn”): a very irritating way to brush off ppl you can’t be bothered to talk to (hand can be placed in front of the person’s face for maximum effect)
-I originally “borrowed” the line from my own second elder sister who likes brushing off ppl. perhaps, the most memorable time I used it was during a classical confrontation with this female English debater from SMAP Labu (whom I shall not name here) back in high school. it was after some debate at this school in Seremban, and since I was tired and she was babbling some shit I couldn’t bother to listen to, so I simply uttered the line to ignore her. obviously, she got pissed and (presumably) vowed to exact revenge by letting me have a taste of my own medicine. a few months later, during this major debate competition in Kedah, I was having a nice chat w/ the SMAP Labu English debaters at this dining hall. it was already late (like past 11 or sth), when the following conversation occurred:

imcp :“bla...bla... bla...” [talking to the girls abt some debate shit]
vindicated girl: “hey imran, talk to the hand!” *proceeds to show her hand*
imcp :“......” [long pause]
*stares her blankly while blinking eyes repeatedly*
“ummm...y-yeah...I-I really don’t know how to say this to you....but uhhh....I-I wasn’t talking to you...I was talking to her [points to another girl sitting in front]...ummm...sorry...”
vindicated girl: *probably thinking to herself* OMGWTFBBQ???!!!
[face becomes all red from embarrassment]

Moral of the story: don’t ever mess with me. you will be pwned no matter what.

30) ‘IMCP’ (“ayèm-see-pee”): the most electrifying mcp on God’s Green Earth.
- the ultimate enemy of womankind. he is known to some as a creative, poetic, artistic and even sarcastically funny person, all of them ridiculous allegations which vehemently denies. he does have a unique flair and mastery in the English language though, a talent which enables him to hone his skills in delivering jabs, insults and one liners which he is notoriously known for. although he may sometimes appear to be a smartly dressed man who looks charming and deceivingly intelligent (all the while emitting a certain aura of charisma to those around him), make no mistake: he is a vile, and utterly diabolical creature with a sick and perverse mind and an even more twisted imagination to boot. plus, he’s a good cook too.

note: I will be having an essay-writing competition to see if anyone could write an essay that uses all of the stuff I mentioned above. it’s open to anyone who’s stupid enough to actually do it, and the winner gets absolutely nothing from me.

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I’m already feeling lazy to continue typing. maybe I’ll add s’more entries in the encyclopedia in the future or sth (that means 6 months or a year from now. that or until I have a girlfriend of my own, which is when Hell has frozen over and platypuses start flying out of my butt).

(yeah, no comics this time. but I’m currently in the works for my next batch of strips. I’ll prolly publish ‘em next month or whenever I feel like it, depending on my mood.)

The Malay Dilemma

2005-03-25T08:00:00.000-05:00

Yes, it’s been awhile since I last poured out my thoughts on this site. I just realized that after writing some shitty entries abt farked up comics and meaningless musings on romance, I thought maybe I’d take some time to write sth more “serious” (translation: it’s still stupid, but I’m trying to do sth other than bashing/making fun of women for a change). sure, I could always write an entry abt my dull, uber-boring daily life or post lame song lyrics & crappy poetry that NOBODY gives a shit about whenever I’m out of ideas. I could even put a picture-puzzle of a cinnamon-flavored chewing gum or (heaven forbid) those pointless Quizilla ‘What kind of character are you?’ quizzes if I wanted to; but I’m better than that.

anyways, it has come to my attention (well actually I’ve observed it for a long time, I was just biding my time to find a good opportunity to lash it out) how most of us, Malays of the younger generation’, seem to have so many negative views regarding Malays and our “supposedly skewed and narrow-minded mentality”. I’m specifically pinpointing the younger generation because we’re the ones typically coming up w/ these various harsh criticisms and whatnot. oh you’ve heard it all: “Malays are short-sighted in our way of thinking bla, bla, bla... and that’s the reason why we can never be a progressive and modern like [insert name of race/country which is believed to be ‘better’ than us]”. while I do believe that we Malays may have our own problems and issues that need to be dealt with, there are some things I notice that we never seem to put into consideration whenever we’re criticizing our own ppl. as an advocate of unpopular ideas/beliefs myself, I thought maybe I’d take a chance and write an op-ed piece to present some ideas and (maybe) a different perspective abt this thing from the other side coin.

WARNING: this is gonna be one of those long, and boring entries so if you don’t enjoy reading op-pieces, I suggest you go do sth else like touch yourself or watch animal porn.

for starters, I don’t know if any of you actually realize this, but it’s been said that Malays are typically associated with having a very limited social interaction, esp in terms of having really close/good friends who aren’t Malays themselves. yes I know, there are those of you who may have Chinese roomies or an Indian chick or even a Moroccan as a workmate, but seriously speaking, how many of you actually have really close non-Malay friends that you spend most of your time with hanging out together? (and no, short conversations w/ that American dude you happen to know while you’re on your way to class DOES NOT constitute as ‘hanging out’). I’m talking abt real, close buddies, like the ones that you would bother to call in the wee hours of the morning and ask to join you go out when you’re bored, or like the ones that always come over for no apparent reason just to chit-chat for hours till morning. the ones you spend most of your time w/. I’m sure there are some of you who do have friends like these (sometimes it’s because you’re in a situation where there aren’t many Malaysians/Malays around), but it is an undeniable fact that Malays in general, would prefer to form groups and hang out only amongst ourselves rather than mix around w/ ppl from other races. yeah, it’s sad but true.

some ppl blame it on cultural barriers. or maybe because we have different views on faith and beliefs (but how does that explain why Malays don’t hang out w/ Muslim Turks or Afghans?). others might say that we Malays ourselves are the ones to be blamed because we have this sort of disease-like “clique mentality”, which is perhaps attributed to the fact that we prefer to bond only w/ those who are similar to our skin color and language. before I left, I remember one of my aunts telling me that once I arrived in the States, I should mingle more w/ the locals rather than spend my entire 4 years overseas hanging out w/ my own kind. yeah, I know her intentions was so that I would socialize more and not become your typical, socially-inept, frog-under-the-coconut-shell Malay. she even suggested that I frequent bars (not to drink of course), but to just plainly hang out w/ the Americans and “broaden my perspective”. sadly to her disappointment, after spending abt 3 years over here I still don’t have any close American buddies, and I wonder if I myself am suffering from this so-called “clique mentality”.

I gave a long thought abt it, and then it struck me. yeah sure, you’ll prolly never see me playing a pool game or just plainly enjoying a nice cup of coffee w/ my non-Malay classmates , but every Monday I’d cycle to the local hobby store to play Yu-Gi-Oh! w/ the local geeks from 6 - 10. yes, that’s right. geeks. game geeks. and although I’ll admit I can’t even remember the names of more than half of the ppl over there, but at least they know me quite well (even if it’s just by my face). and trust me, you DO NOT KNOW SQUAT abt what’s a real geek like and what it means to be one unless you’ve been in my shoes or have experienced/seen the things I have. we’re talking abt major fat nerds who dig D&D (that’s Dungeons & Dragons to the ignorant), collectible card games and traditional RPGs here; hardcore gamers who actually spend literally hundreds buying cards, statuettes and various other collectibles for their games. now I’m not gonna lie that social stigmata towards this particular crowd makes me feel a bit ashamed of being associated w/ them at times, but then I realize that I enjoy and am quite comfortable hanging out w/ these geeks/nerds/social outcasts compared to most of the ppl that I meet in my everyday life. so screw everyone else.

you see, the point here is that sometimes it’s not really abt us typically not wanting to mix/mingle w/ others, but I think it’s more abt finding the particular group of ppl that have the same interests or mentality as yours. those that you would be comfortable to be around w/ and do stuff together, regardless of race, age, gender or even skin color. some ppl like parties and going to night clubs, while others prefer watching movies, playing bowling or are game geeks like myself. that’s why I could only laugh myself whenever I hear someone bashing Malays of not being open-minded and only hanging out amongst themselves when in fact, I hardly see this same person hang out w/ say, those alim and religious types who frequent the Masjid or churches. need I say more? some ppl only hang out w/ his/her own ppl initially because the similarity in physical appearance (and sometimes nationality) is already there. but as you get to know more abt others around you, you will automatically spot the type of peer group that you would want to spend most of your time w/. like I said, it’s all abt finding the most suitable social crowd that you could fit in.

EYE CANDY: after several long paragraphs, I thought maybe I'd post some boobies to make sure I still have your attention (sorry girls, I was already thinking of putting up a pic of a dude popping a huge boner, but that'd be too gay for me).

another issue that I’ve always wanted to talk abt is on Malays and the English language (I originally wanted to write it in a separate entry called Mind Your Language, you know, as a reference to that old British sitcom in the 70s starring Barry Evans, but then I thought maybe I’d just squeeze it into this one to save time). I guess it can’t be avoided that as a child, I grew up being largely influenced by my old man who happens to be a vocal critic of Malays who speak English “unnecessarily”. I think some of you might have already heard the argument before, you know, “some of us Malays are so obsessed w/ the English language, we seem to have neglected our own native tongue and ignored the importance of its usage in our everyday life” (it’s more or less sth like that). I’m not saying that we shouldn’t speak in English, I mean hell yeah it’s crucial that we strive to improve our mastery in the language and all that, but sth really irks me whenever I hear a local 7-Eleven clerk or McDonald’s cashier suddenly start to blurt out in the most broken English when I could perfectly understand him/her in Malay. I mean what’s up w/ that?

I can never understand why certain ppl could become such pretentious dicks who talk gibberish in hopes of impressing somebody w/ their second-rate English. the keyword here is “pretentious”, because these assholes/bitches are trying to be somebody they’re not. these are the very same ppl who refuse to speak Malay w/ you because “it has no class” or some shit. they think that the Malay language is inferior and insist the usage of English everywhere and all the time (regardless of the fact that Bahasa Melayu itself is our own national language which means that it should have a higher priority in usage in our everyday life). what pisses me off even more is when some of these dirtbags start acting all superior and looking down upon on others, as if they think they’re more dignified just because they can speak slightly better than most ppl. it’s even funnier still that these supposedly “oh-I-am-so-modern-and-advanced-because-I-speak-English” idiots themselves sound like a hissing Madagascar fruit bat choking on cottage cheese w/ all of that awkward sentence structures and inappropriate word usage. and don’t even get me started on grammar or word pronunciation. please, do the whole world a favor by not flaunting your utterly-horrendous language skills. trust me. you are not a native English speaker, you don’t sound like one, you will never be one and most importantly, NOBODY is impressed. I’d call them a bunch of fucking ‘posers’ but that’d be an insult to hip hop-listening, underwear-exposing, rapper-wannabes.

I really wonder what’s w/ the typical Malay mentality of glorifying English as a spoken language? personally, I rarely speak in English w/ ppl (no, really). I don’t talk much esp around foreigners or anyone I’m not familiar/comfortable with (what can I say? I’m a shy person...), and even during social gatherings (you know, those times when you have to go and meet ppl at the International Center or some stupid shit) I usually keep my mouth shut and pretend that I’m a mime, unless I’m spoken to or if the person I’m accompanying w/ has a tough time explaining/translating sth. in fact, back home the only person I would ever converse in English is my 2nd elder sister, and even then it’s mostly jabs and insults. even when speaking w/ certain ppl like former debating buddies, four-eyed ihsan of rpi, the ambiguously gay mero or bimbos like liyana jamil, I use mostly ‘Manglish’, w/ the occasional bits of Malay here and there. the only times I would actually bother to speak properly nowadays is either when I’m talking w/ a classmate/the professor/ordering at a restaurant/one of my geek buddies at the hobby store, or if I’m trying to annoy someone (usually from the opposite sex) w/ my strange and obscure one-liners.

while I know that some ppl come up w/ the excuse of ‘needing the practice to speak English’, to me it’s more abt how the choice of language reflects one’s own pride towards his/her own identity. yes identity. you could tell a lot from someone’s background and history and how these factors could contribute to why he/she is the kind of person who would speak/behave like some lame-ass American wannabe. it is commonly believed that non-native English speakers who can converse really well are usually ppl who either a) have spent some time overseas (being born or raised somewhere other than M’sia for instance), or b) urban-dwellers of the upper middle class (and above) who could afford buying English books, magazines, etc. and live in an environment (either the location or the ppl around them) where English speaking is common/highly encouraged.

although it is certainly hard to dispute that these claims aren’t true (at least to a certain degree), I myself was born and raised in M’sia and prior to studying here, I’ve only been overseas 3 times (during my dad’s sabbatical in the States when I was 4, 8 months in Netherlands following my dad do his research when I was 10, and that one short week in France when I was 16). do you really think any of those trips had any effect on the development of my English language skills? (HINT: the answer is not yes). other than that, I live in a neighborhood which isn’t exactly in the most urban and developed part of Kajang (trust me, Taman Sekamat is like this really 80s residential area where we’re still surrounded by parts of the forest, orchards, small rivers, sandy pathways, old wooden buildings, squatter areas and the like) and I didn’t have any actual English-speaking buddies until I got into debating in high school. and yet…despite the absence of these typical social factors, I can speak and write pretty damn well (not to brag but a proven FACT, and I dare ask anyone to come up front and prove me otherwise). talent? no it has nothing to do w/ talent. the most logical explanation I could give is those countless hours wasting my time in front of tv, watching shows or playing video games, all the while occupying myself w/ game magazines and comic books during my spare time. so I guess, the environment and spending your holidays overseas doesn’t really affect how well you speak English does it?

yeah, I am very critical abt my language, be it when it comes to the use of proper English or the choice of spoken language. maybe it’s because my own 2nd sister was constantly criticizing me abt my English and the way I speak. today, I still make mistakes and I may have hated her for it, but if it wasn’t for her, I’d prolly never be the considerably language conscious person that I am today. another part of it stems from my own background which made me realize the importance of my own identity, that I’m a Malay and I should be proud of it, esp when it comes to using my own mother tongue. all of that bullshiat you hear abt needing the English language to become more advanced are nothing but lies. the French and the Japanese aren’t obsessed w/ English and they’re still way more advanced than us. again, I’m not saying we shouldn’t master English at all, but Bahasa Melayu should always be given a higher priority because it’s a symbol of our pride to our own ppl’s identity. oh, and not to sound too hypocritical, but in case any of you dolts are wondering, the reason this site itself is in English is because I need a medium to improve my own writing skills while I’m expressing my thoughts and ideas. also, it pretty much reflects my own identity as a chauvinistic scumbag (c’mon, you hafta admit mcp sounds better and a whole lot cooler than ‘babi jantan yg memandang rendah terhadap wanita’). so there you go.

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and last but not least, I’ve always wanted to talk abt this phenomenon I’ve been observing that involves younger Malays/M’sians (in general), having this intense clash of ideals & perspectives w/ those from the older generation. I’ll explain by providing some simple cases/anecdotes. for simplicity’s sake, lets say that ‘the younger generation’ can be anyone who’s a child, teen, or even an adult in his/her early thirties and by ‘the older generation’, I mean those older than the previous group or just abt anyone w/ a conservative-like mindset of the olden days, from politicians, your parents, grandparents, soccer moms etc.etc.

now the basic scenario is that these ppl from the older generation usually have some sort of authority or power that enables them to impose their standards of living on us youngsters. and then, in our typical response, we whine and complain w/ our clichéd rhetorical arguments like “old ppl are like so passé, they’re narrow-minded in their way of thinking/method of doing things, they’re not hip/cool like us young ppl, they do not understand how times have changed etc. etc.”. case in point, I’ve heard that after the M’sian Film Censorship Board decided to cut like 6 minutes of footage from the movie Sepet, it drew many sharp criticisms mainly from (you guessed it) the younger generation. some say the censorship panel consist of idiots, others argue whether the panel are even doing their job properly. I myself have never seen the movie, but many ppl (again, most from our generation) say it’s great. they say it reflects the (supposed) reality of life in M’sia and deals w/ the issue of love and the barriers of culture, religion and ethnicity and the board’s decision was truly unfair. now frankly speaking, I really couldn’t care less if the movie was cut short (only a few minutes? what are you complaining abt?) and yes, I must say sometimes the Censorship Board does make some ridiculous decisions; but again, this op-piece is abt sth from the other side of the coin, so I’m gonna argue from their side.

first of all, you hafta keep in mind that no matter how much you whine, complain and criticize, it’s not their job to just cater to the younger generation’s needs. there are many things that need to be considered. look at the big picture. for instance, as a govt. agency, the panelists realize that their decisions are still tied to the interest of many, from policy makers to every single M’sian in the entire country. they have strings attached. some of the scenes that you see in the movies might not offend you, but it doesn’t work that way w/ certain politicians/govt. officials or conservative-minded ppl who might go ballistic when the board suddenly approves sth which that is deemed as unsuitable for viewing. it’s all abt trying to balance the needs for everyone even if it meant drawing some criticism from a portion of the entire population.

try to compare it w/ a hypothetical scenario where you’re a news reporter/editor w/ Utusan Malaysia for example. let’s say you have many negative beliefs and criticisms abt the govt. now tell me, do you honestly believe that you could get away scot-free if you decide to publish sth unfavorable abt UMNO/the current ruling govt. on the front page of the newspaper? all moral issues regarding the need to publish the truth aside, you have a job at stake and you know that the newspaper itself relies much on political backing, since it may have ties to certain officials in the ruling govt. you see? it’s not exactly easy as it seems.

but let’s make the assumption that the Censorship Board has no ties, and the panelists can censor whatever film they want based on their views and beliefs alone. they say several scenes in this movie need to be cut or it should be banned altogether because they’re not suitable for public viewing. you condemn them and say “what!!?!? who are these jerking morons to tell us what we can and can’t view? why should they impose their skewed + narrow-minded views of entertainment on us by banning/deleting scenes of our favorite movies?”. well in that case, the door swings both ways bub. why must YOU insist to impose on them YOUR beliefs and views of what is entertaining? why are you even telling them how to do their job? the fact remains that the older generation are the ones who control the country. they are the politicians, bosses, teachers, parents and every other authoritative figure, and until our time comes, until all of us replace them as the ruling generation, there’s not a damn thing you can do abt it.

this whole clash of ideals, views and whatnot are not exclusive to only movies. consider an example where you scoff at your parent because he/she forbade you from reading some shit like Irshad Manji’s The Trouble with Islam. I mean what’s so wrong w/ that? so what if she’s a Canadian Muslim lesbian who doesn’t know much abt Islam itself and yet had the audacity to talk abt the religion and how it needs to be modernized? who cares if the book promotes ideas that goes against the very tenets of our own faith & religion? it’s just a printed form of her collection of ideas & opinions. the older generation (our parents) are close-minded ppl and not understanding. we should be allowed to read all kinds of material so that we could learn abt other ppl’s ideas and see different perspectives even if they seem controversial. while I myself am all for the freedom to read whatever the hell I want (hey, I need to read skin mags every now and then when I’m lonely okay?) I wonder...say in 20 years from now, when you become a parent yourself and have a child of your own, what would you do if you found out that your son’s favorite book is Marquis de Sade’s The 120 Days of Sodom? oh come on... he’s already 16...what's so wrong if he loves to read a book that has explicit details abt ppl w/ the most perverse sexual fetishes ranging from coprophilia (that’s using shit for sexual excitement to the uninformed), incest, child raping through sodomy, flagellation, and even masturbation on the faces of seven-year olds…there’s no harm in that...right? didn’t we just agree that we should allow ALL kinds of materials to be read?

speaking of parents, I remember having this discussion w/ this girl who told me how she disagreed w/ the typical Malay way of upbringing because the parents are overly protective and the children are not given much freedom to do anything by themselves. to illustrate her point, she compared her own kid brother who was spoiled by her mom w/ these kids she was taking care of at this day care job she had. she said the American kids are better and much more behaved because the parents let them do stuff by themselves so that they can learn from it. she then continues w/ her own experience of having a very limited social life as a teen because her dad didn’t allow her to go out that much (esp in the evenings) and she was frustrated because he even was trailing her on her dates (talk abt a paranoid parent, eh?). later on, she tells me that when she becomes a mother herself, she’s not gonna make the same ‘mistakes’ her parents did and would train her kids to become independent and have more freedom.

so I asked her if that meant she wouldn’t mind letting her daughter go out clubbing w/ her friends at night, and she simply responded yes. she said her children should be given more opportunities to do what they want because it teaches them abt responsibility by forcing them to take care of themselves. and then I asked her what if her daughter got raped? sure, teens need freedom bla, bla, bla…going out clubbing doesn’t necessarily mean someone’s gonna take advantage of her; I mean she has friends to protect her right? but, a rape can happen anywhere, anytime. worse still, the culprit could be someone she actually knows. if you were a parent, how would your own moral conscious feel, knowing that you were in a position to prevent or at least reduce the possibility of such tragedy from happening? your daughter’s farked, she could be pregnant and she’s psychologically scarred for the rest of her life. and you could have actually done sth abt it by monitoring her whereabouts or just by preventing her from going out at night altogether. stunned for several minutes (after being pwned by my arguments), the girl then said that maybe she could hire a bodyguard to watch over her daughter when she goes clubbing. a bodyguard? who follows her everywhere to make sure her daughter’s safe? how is that any different than her own dad who was stalking her on her dates when she was a teen?

whether you ppl realize it or not, this conflicting views, values and ways of thinking between the older and younger generation is actually a cyclical phenomenon. today we’re bashing the oldies who impose their conservative standards of living on us. we say the way they decide how our way of life should be is unfair as it does not suit ‘the current modern trend of living’. ppl are more open-minded nowadays, you might add. we should all be a bit more liberal. pfft. let’s see how liberal you can get when 30 years from now, our sons and daughters will start bashing us when we tell them that showing a clear shot of a cleavage in M’sian films is unacceptable. and I don’t even want to imagine what’s the scenario gonna be when I’m a grandpa or after I’m dead. the future generation protesting that kiddie porn be made legal or that incest is acceptable? w/ the way how we are becoming more & more “understanding and open-minded”, nothing’s impossible anymore y’know...

a professor of mine says it’s like a phase that we all go through. we, the younger generation, are upset w/ the conservatives’ old-fashioned way of life and thinking. we decide not to conform and rebel against it by venting our criticisms & expressing our so-called radical beliefs to show that we are against the masses. and this would be reflected pretty much in our choice of lifestyle, fashion, religion, art, entertainment and even sexual orientation (exposing a nipple during the halftime Super Bowl show as a form of entertainment? what will they think of next?). we want to be edgy and keep pushing the envelope, all the while showing our displeasure when the oldies do not approve of it. and then, when our time’s over, the phase shifts and we become the ones who will be attacked, bashed and criticized by the future generation because we insist that they conform to the mass and not go over the boundaries that we’ve established. you see the point I’m trying to make here? and the cycle goes on and on...

so I hope some of you understand by now (or at least the gist of it) why we can never seem to see eye-to-eye w/ the policy makers, our parents, or just typically anyone w/ a different mindset than our own. I’m not saying you hafta agree w/ them, but arguing/criticizing gets you nowhere and is a waste of your time and breath. while I can understand that as the younger generation, we feel the need to reform everyone’s various perspectives so that it’s more liberal and unconstrained, keep in mind that the development of an entire generation’s mindset does not occur overnight just by shoving in our radical views, ideals & opinions down their throat. you could clear forests and build skyscrapers at some small rural area and call it development, but it takes many decades of living through various periods of time, having experienced many things and being influenced by a wide range of social elements to form a certain generation’s way of thinking. and different periods of time, elements and experiences guarantees that no generation shares the same mindset. ever.

that being said, I guess I’m done rambling for now (geez, I already sound like one of those old fogeys who give those “you young ungrateful whippersnappers don’t know what’s good for you; back in my day..” speeches). I really don’t give a rat’s ass if any of you agree w/ me so don’t bother posting comments like “while you’re entitled to your opinion, I think...” or “I agree you w/ you but...”. who cares if any of my writings has influenced you or not? spare yourself the trouble of typing sth pointless. hell, I personally think that ppl who are easily swayed just by watching some tv show/movie or reading 2-3 books/magazines/the blog entries of a male-chauvinist-pervert w/ Napoléon complex are morons who should shampoo my crotch (get the green Smooth & Sleek Pantene Pro-V. makes my pubic hair more “wavy” & fashionable). think abt it for sometime and then decide for yourself goddamnit. now begone. the IMCP has spoken.

"desperate to boost her declining popularity, an aging Anita Sarawak decides to pull off her own 'wardrobe malfunction' stunt for a cheap controversial spotlight"

When Cupid fucks up on his job

2005-02-14T22:55:00.000-05:00

"can't take my eyes off you"
Frankie Valli (yeah, I'm going retro baby!)

Love. it’s that euphoric feeling which fills our hearts with joy and excitement when you know that someone special out there cares for you, and you in turn reciprocate that same affection. it is that strong bond between two souls which binds them to a seemingly eternal devotion and admiration for one another. an emotional attachment, borne naturally out of your unselfish great concern and mutual desire to provide warmth and tenderness to the ones you dear the most. perhaps it can even be considered as one of life’s greatest treasures….

It’s V-day, and as we all know, it’s that time of the year when couples everywhere celebrate their relationships by sending gifts and engage in romantic activities with the ones they’re most fond of. while I may have my own personal views regarding the celebration itself (see my previous entry ‘Valentine Schmalentine’), I find it amusing to observe how other ppl rejoice/vent their frustrations on Valentine’s and how they deal w/ this strange concept of love. hell, I even know a certain ‘polar bear’ who seems particularly bitter abt Valentine’s, for whatever reasons that may be (you know who you are. HAHAHAHAHA.).

contrary to what some of you dipshits might believe, I too wish that someday I’d be able to find that certain someone whom I can spend the rest of my life with. hey, I may be a misogynistic asshole, but I’m still a normal human being w/ wants and needs, just like everyone else damnit. the thing is, from the trend that I see nowadays, the romantic love scenario is surprisingly ridden w/ a shocking number of problems and complications, many resulting in break-ups and divorces (in the case of marriages). yeah, yeah…I can already imagine some of you parroting those clichéd notions that “love is a complicated thing; that sometimes couples have differences that can’t be sorted out, and being in love doesn’t guarantee you a future where both of you would be together”, but geez...you’d think that love would be more than just a superficial attraction based on looks or one night stands and pointless flings... and it’s even sadder when you know there are actually ppl out there who’ve already conformed to this idea that love is overrated and worthless because the men offer love for sex, while women offer sex for love. how fucked up is that?

I personally think that the present society that we live in, (in general) has a very skewed perspective of love. as proof, I’ve taken the liberty of providing some “examples” based on the testimonies of several ppl who confided in me abt their troubled relationships which (obviously) ended in break-ups:

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DISCLAIMER: all names are not disclosed and specific details have been intentionally omitted to protect the identities of those in question. at the time of this writing, I was trying to recall to the best of my memory everything that was told to me, hence the testimonials may be a bit different than the actual confessions. these are their stories:

Case 1:
Mr. L and Ms. Z are two ppl who’ve been together for quite awhile. frankly speaking, I was shocked at first when I found out that they’ve been dating each other because they both seemed like a mismatched pair. but as they say ‘Love is blind’, so I thought that wasn’t much of an issue. like any other normal couple, they’ve had their occasional ups and downs together, however as the relationship progressed, it became more and more apparent that Z was the one who played the more dominant role (a man being pussy-whipped by his woman? how embarrassing. then again, that’s not new nowadays). to me, it was already a sign that things would definitely not work so well for them. sure enough, they had their fights/disagreements, which eventually led to an extremely pissed L being pushed over the edge and deciding that he’s had enough. Z, expecting him to comfort her as always, was probably ‘surprised’ by this new stubbornness of her usually passive boyfriend and in the end, since neither wanted to budge and give in to the other, everything ended just like that.

Case 2:
Ms. D has known this fella (whom we shall just call ‘J’, for jackass) for quite a number of years before they finally got together. it eventually became a long-distance relationship, and although they seemed to be pretty much in love w/ one other (having shared some...uhhh...”intimate moments” and all that shit), you know things aren’t going so well, esp when you have a boyfriend who tells his significant other he’s been screwing around w/ other women and then simply tells her that “he misses her”. the sad part is that she actually put up w/ him for a long time, until it finally sunk into that thick skull of hers that the asshole was just not worth it.

Case 3:
M is a good buddy of mine, who I honestly think is a pretty nice guy (although, sometimes he can be a bit insane like me). so he was telling me abt how he got involved w/ this girl (typical scenario where good friends become lovers after numerous flirting sessions) and everything seemed fine and dandy. but it all changed when she returned from this trip overseas. he began to notice that she wasn’t as affectionate like she used to be, and then one day, he caught her going out w/ another guy. after a confrontation, they agreed to resolve by ending the relationship because according to her, “she wasn’t looking for a serious long-term commitment” just yet. but the real kicker was when he found out that she immediately got hooked up w/ a guy after the break up. and worse still, the poor-excuse- of-a-whorebag actually had the audacity to ask M if they could remain friends, just like the good old days, as if nothing ever happened.

Case 4:
at the time when I was talking to N, she told me that her long-distance relationship was already on the rocks. she said that part of the problem was that her then-boyfriend had trust issues and was afraid that she’d wind up w/ another guy. apparently, despite the frequent reassurances and phone calls, he still doubted whether she actually loved him or not (talk abt major paranoia eh?). so I offered her my 2 cents and told her that even though the guy may seem like an overly-insecure freak, she has to understand that men are naturally worried because they know that in today’s age, their girlfriends just might easily leave them at any time. so she asked what she could do to remedy the situation and I just responded that maybe it had sth to do w/ the problem of miscommunication; and since she’s the one who knows him well, she’s also the only one who can relate to him and find the best means of sorting things out (hey, I can spot and analyze problems, but finding solutions isn’t exactly my forte). but alas, all was too little too late and sometime later I heard they eventually broke up.

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now I’m not trying to embarrass/humiliate these ppl by revealing details surrounding their private lives, and I know perfectly well that these testimonies could only tantamount as a small sample of anecdotal evidence (which shouldn’t be used as proof for my claims), but the point I’m trying to illustrate here is that these things actually happen in real life, and I’m not surprised if there are similar (if not exactly the same) scenarios like these experienced by others out there. seriously speaking, were any of those break-ups even necessary? and even if they were, what exactly went wrong?

yes, I’m well aware that the confessions might be biased (since they only provide one person’s perspective of the situation) but you hafta admit that the aforementioned stories must at least have some truth to them (although to what degrees, is certainly arguable). I also know that exaggerations, stretching of truths and half-truths might be involved and even if the ppl did leave out certain aspects of their stories (this implying that the stories are in fact incomplete and the validity of each confession is open to debate), chances are, the real truth is more likely to be uglier than the sugar-coated version I’ve heard.

in my 21 years of life, I’ve had countless discussions, talks and chit-chats w/ guys (and gals), theorizing and observing other ppl’s relationships and conducting interviews to learn and understand better abt this strange phenomena we simply call ‘love’. one of the more interesting theories that I (jokingly) came up w/, is that men seem to expand their sizes horizontally (well, relative to their average body weight/size that is) whenever they become seriously involved w/ a girl. now I don’t think it’s true, but so far most of the guys here at IU seem to fit in the description of my hypothesis perfectly well (coincidence? I dunno. I’ll you let you Bloomington girls decide). but I digress. one of the real reasons why I’m so enthusiastic abt this particular matter is because I’ve always wondered why do ppl who’re in love end up in unnecessary conflicts which could only end w/ one or more person being heartbroken and hurt? the keyword here is ‘unnecessary’, because these conflicts could be avoided, or at least learnt so that they are less likely to reoccur in the future. so it all boils down back to the very basic questions: what is love? what do we really know abt it anyway? what can we do to actually understand abt it, so that we could at least avoid committing stupid mistakes when we’ve fallen for someone?

I’ve asked several girls to provide me some insight and female perspective on the issue, and some of them responded that love is basically abt meeting someone who could make you feel “whole” <--could it be any more vague than this? I suppose, what they’re trying to allude is that love is abt meeting someone who can compliment your existence. your soul mate. you know, that special person girls usually refer as “the one” (the only thing I could imagine whenever someone says “the one” is that lame jet li film where he fights multiple versions of himself). but that raises another question, how the hell do you know if the person you’re in love w/ is “the one”? more importantly, how do you even know whether that strong feeling you have for that certain someone is actually love?

I myself, have never fallen in love. I’d be lying if I said I’ve never been attracted to any girl I’ve met or that I’ve never had any crushes, but true, genuine love? I don’t think so. my reasons are simple. have any of you even actually bothered to think that maybe, just maybe…the reason you were attracted to a person was solely because of his/her appearance? is it not possible that the real reason you’re looking for a romantic relationship is because you’re so desperate for intimacy? or maybe because of peer pressure? because everyone has a special someone to be with and you don’t? now I don’t know abt you, but every time I suspect that my strong emotions for someone could be based on any of the aforementioned reasons, I know for sure that I’m probably falling in love for all the wrong reasons. some ppl might say, they’re in love w/ someone because of his/her personality. pfft. unless you actually live and hang out w/ a person (just like the way you spend your time with a close family member or a roommate), you don’t know shit abt a person’s personality. for all we know, that charming side you seem to be so attracted to is nothing more than a facade; a fake, empty appearance which hides a person’s true, disgusting self. kinda like that fake-looking, ugly thing Donald Trump calls his ‘hair’ on top of his head.

I’ve actually read some of those stupid articles supposedly explaining ‘how to tell if you’re in love’, and one interesting theory that caught my attention was: “you’re in love w/ a person if you suddenly act so cruel around him/her”. wow. just wow. I know it’s trying to suggest some kind of love-hate relationship going on, but based on that reasoning alone, that would mean I’m in love w/ abt 90% of all the girls I’ve met in my entire life (don’t take my word for every statistical data I mention. 8 out of 10 of them are probably made up, just like this one). another would be: “you’re in love w/ a person if you both have a special chemistry together”. wow, a very clear & convincing explanation indeed. I mean, what constitutes as ‘chemistry’ anyways? is it that strange excitement you get when you engage in a witty banter w/ someone from the opposite sex? because if it is, then that would pretty much mean I’m head over heels for more than half of the girls I know.

the point I’m trying to make here is that most ppl usually want to engage in relationships without ever realizing that they might be falling in love because of superficial reasons. I say superficial because they could explain why most relationships we see today don’t usually work. don’t believe me? to those w/ more than 3 failed previous relationships, ask yourselves, how did any of you fall in love anyways? why didn’t the relationship work out as expected? oh, is it because you realize that both of you are not compatible w/ each other you say? well how is compatibility an issue to begin w/, if your initial attraction to him/her was based solely on his/her looks? why even talk abt compatibility if in the beginning, the reason why you got hooked to him/her was because you were so desperate for intimacy, you were willing to bag just abt anybody that seems to suit you at the first instance? perhaps, this also explains why the SPG (Sarong Party Girl) mentality even exists. to the uninformed, a Sarong Party Girl is a gwailo-dating southeast asian chick who loves Caucasian men based solely on the reasons that they’re rich, fair-skinned, good-looking (read: well-endowed) and perform great in bed. now how shallow is that?

in the last 2 years, I’ve been fortunate enough to be able to read numerous works of literature that are (coincidently) related to love. in Mariama Bâ’s So Long a Letter, the main character’s grandma once told her that “a woman should marry a man who loves her more than she loves him”. I guess what she’s trying to suggest is that a woman is probably better off w/ a man who has an unparalleled devotion for her, since he’s less likely to leave or betray her (this also implying that most men can’t be trusted). in Alex Haley’s autobiography of Malcolm X, the fiery African-American civil rights activist once mentioned that he doesn’t trust women at all. in fact he says that he doesn’t even fully trust his own wife. maybe, from all the hardships that he’s gone through, the black dude has seen and understood quite well how vicious and cunning the female sex could be, and I couldn’t agree more w/ him. trust me when I say that anyone who thinks a woman can't have burning cold eyes and a capacity for unimaginable evil is in for a hard lesson in the near future. in any case, this brings me to my next point, which is the issue of trust in relationships.

in the case of men, it’s esp hard for a girl to trust her man when he’s always being flirtatious and eyeing the butts of other women when you both go out. I dunno, maybe it’s just that guys are so easily attracted to beautiful things that have aesthetic values (e.g. nice, firm boobs and curvaceous legs) hence the natural tendency to automatically ogle at other women. perhaps, the best thing a girl could do is to find out what was the real reason a guy got interested in you in the first place, because if it was based solely of your looks, you have a pretty safe bet that he might be looking for other, more attractive women once he’s done w/ you (in marriages, this might even lead to affairs). again, this is another proof why the reason for being in love is an important aspect in determining whether you could have a successful relationship or not.

as for women, I used to think that they’re much more trustworthy than men. but that’s not the real case now is it? the reason why some men seem insecure and don’t exactly trust the opposite sex is because most women suffer from this condition I could only describe as ‘The Madame Bovary Syndrome’. being the natural dreamers and romanticists, women nowadays have these unattainable fantasies, dreams and romantic ideals. not to say that’s wrong, but the problem is when their chase for these romantic illusions lead them into being highly susceptible even to slightest charms and flirtations of another man. a perfect example would be a married woman w/ 3 kids, who has a loving and caring husband, a great house and a perfect life. surprisingly, she decides that she would rather indulge herself w/ a lover, who guarantees her no future and security whatsoever, except a supposed undying, and romantic love which is similar to her fantasies. sounds far-fetched? not really, because that example itself was based on an actual real-life case.

sometimes I can never understand why some women are never satisfied w/ what they have. some might say that they feel neglected by their boyfriends/husbands. that their perfect and happy lives are dull, mundane and boring. they want some excitement, they say. sth like in their dreams and fantasies. well wake up from that stupid imagination of yours sister. face the facts that you aren’t living in a world where ppl would suddenly burst into a dance when your significant other is trying to woo you like in the Hindi films. no, you’re not some newspaper columnist living in New York leading an adventurous romantic life w/ your 3 aging, slutty friends. so instead of complaining that your relationship is boring/dull/mundane, why don’t YOU make an effort to change it w/ your spouse instead?

proponents of feminism might argue that a commitment in relationship (esp a major one like marriage), usually results in a woman’s freedom being stripped away from her. you’ve heard it all. “a married woman doesn’t get opportunities to do a lot of stuff”,"she just spends most of her time at the home”, “women have dreams too and a major commitment would only mean that those dreams will never be realized”. oh please, spare me. do you think the average man enjoys busting his ass from 9-5 in whatever means necessary to earn a living for the family? do you think a man wouldn’t miss a chance to just sit back and relax, doing absolutely nothing but eat and watch sports on tv? do you think your boyfriend, doesn’t have anything better to do other than listen to your daily rants and bitching abt how this girl you know is talking behind you? gee, and I thought a commitment was abt sacrifices and responsibility from both parties. just because you don’t see those sacrifices doesn’t mean they’re not there. for once, just try to imagine all the things your significant other has done just to be w/ you. I mean, he could’ve been w/ any other girl, but he chose to be w/ you, right? from an economics perspective, that requires opportunity cost you know? so how abt a little appreciation there?

personally, I’ve always thought this whole concept of ‘couplehood’ is flawed anyway.
I mean, why bother prolonging your commitment to the person you love? just get married and get it over w/. sure, in this today’s age I can understand that ppl need some time to prepare themselves before tying the knot. it’s like a transitional phase where lovers try to get to know and appreciate one another better before finally settling down. what eludes from my understanding is that why do some couples drag their relationships far too long until it eventually ends in a horrible mess? why wait for 3 years or longer? if you love him/her so much, why can’t you trust your loved one to actually be your life partner?

for guys, I perfectly understand that financial security has always been quite an issue, esp when it comes to that point where you propose to your woman. unless you have a steady job (which pays good), a car and enough money to pay for that ridiculously expensive wedding reception, the only way guys could get married easily nowadays is if he studies overseas (and is able to somehow convince the girl’s parents), or if he elopes w/ her to a place like Vegas or Thailand. and as for the girls, the usual response I get is that “girls don’t want to be tied down to a marriage too early because they have many other things to do, places to go and dreams to achieve”. seriously, what are those ‘many other things to do’ specifically? oh, you mean like partying and clubbing all night long? wow. concrete excuses indeed. and if you have places to go and dreams to achieve, I always thought that it would be better if you could do it together w/ the one you care the most. I guess I’m just wrong, huh?

another issue I never seem to quite get is that, some couples always bitch abt not wanting to settle down just yet because “it’s too early for them”, and yet at the same time they kiss, caress, fondle, have sex and practically do every other thing that are usually reserved for married people? (this doesn’t apply to Americans since they’re so fucked up, marriage is only a matter of legal status involving each other’s rights rather than a true, actual commitment which requires responsibility). “what is so wrong w/ couples who just want to show some affection for each other?”. oh I don’t know....maybe the fact that the couples that I see are Muslims and the fact that the person you’re snuggling w/ is clearly a non-mahram. and even if you’re not a Muslim (or if you’re just a secular-minded person for that matter), trust me when I say that the whole world does not need to see your Frenching sessions or that spectacular, vomit-inducing grope-fest you call “cuddling”.

I suppose I’m not exactly exaggerating when I say that most couples today must’ve at least slept once w/ their lovers. and by ‘slept’, I mean sleeping; as in dozing off in one bed together while spooning/cuddling and not actually fucking each other’s brains out. then again, I’m a naïve person, so I might be wrong. some ppl I know even told me that “they’ve done everything except vaginal penetration”. pure exaggeration? you tell me. I’ve always wondered why couples nowadays don’t even have the slightest guilt when they’re involved in morally-questionable activities. even if you’re not a morally-conscious person, whatever happened to having a sense of decency, to yourself at least? is couplehood some sort of season pass that lets you engage in sexually-suggestive behaviors?

a nice pic of a bear giving a BJ to the other. change the bears w/ a scrawny mat rempit and a headscarf-wearing chick and you’ll get a perfect example of what couples do at Shah Alam’s Lake Gardens.

now I don’t consider myself a religious person, but there are some things that I wouldn’t dare to do. hey, I cuss & swear a lot, I’ve watched porn and I annoy ppl just for pleasure. in fact, I’ve even been to a strip club before (what can I say? curiosity got the better of me). surprisingly, I actually ended up wasting 5 bucks on an entrance fee and 3 freakin’ hours doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING at the strip bar (except maybe drink an over-priced glass of coke and trips to the bathroom every 15-20 minutes). all of those imaginations and sexual fantasies prior to my arrival just fizzled as I froze in my seat, not knowing what to do. an intense feeling of guilt suddenly overwhelmed me and it was then I realized that it was a big mistake for me to even be at that place. someone told me that the strange feeling of guilt might be because I was never the kind of person who would actually enjoy doing these things to begin with. I guess he was right. when it comes to the “real deal”, it’s just sth I couldn’t stomach myself doing.

now some of you might be thinking what a complete nerd I must be (or a pathetic, hypocritical loser even). but one thing for sure is that I know, I’ve tested myself in front of a group of topless women (who won’t even mind if there was some sort of physical contact of sexual nature), and yet I was still able to see that fine line that I could never cross. I mean, I seriously wonder if there are couples out there who actually face this same feeling of guilt whenever they ‘get physical’ w/ one another. I dunno. I guess I may be the only person who feels that way. hell, I’ve always felt uncomfortable whenever a girl extends her hand to me even for a simple handshake. once, I was utterly speechless when this girl I know suddenly came up and gave me a hug (we haven’t seen each other for a long time, but still). oh, and one time, a girl tried to check my temperature by putting her hand on my forehead (because I had fever) so I completely freaked out and dodged her immediately. talk abt awkward moments eh?

yeah, I do realize I sound kinda preachy on this particular subject, but maybe it’s just because I have such high standards and ideals of what should be called ‘true love’. personally, the perfect relationship I would have in mind would be one where both ppl really trust one another so much, empty phrases like “I love you” are not needed. kinda like what I share w/ my own old man, in the sense that both of us never even bother to mention that we love each other (as father and son of course) because the love goes without even saying. sure it may sound like taking a person’s feelings for granted, but if you truly love a person that much, you should already have a deep trust in him/her to know that the mutual affection is there. if you truly claim to love a person, you should already be able to appreciate even the smallest of things, down to the simplest of gestures like taking some of his/her own time off just to be w/ you. after all, they did say ‘actions speak louder than words’, am I not right?

as for me, yeah I have like 6 more years going on for that bet I made, but that doesn’t mean I’m not keeping my other options available. sure, I do intend to make the stakes higher and more difficult, but at the same time I’ve also pondered at the prospect of finding someone who’d actually be worth risking the bet and all of that trouble, you know, just for the sake of being w/ her. but then again, let’s be honest here. I’m chauvinistic, foul-mouthed, hyper-critical, lazy, unreasonably sarcastic and a lecherous pervert. hmmm...definitely not the best candidate to be considered as ‘boyfriend material’. oh and let’s not forget that the general impression I get from most girls is that they think I’m childish and immature, like 9-year old immature (though, I’ve always wondered how many of you girls could actually survive my ultra-sharp jabs without ever resorting to physical violence or breaking into a hissy fit. yeah, you girls are VERRRY mature alright). come to think of it, I bet most (if not some) of the girls I know are so negatively prejudiced towards me, they prolly wouldn’t hesitate to accuse me of attempting to anal-rape a 16 year-old schoolgirl, when in fact I’m actually performing the Heimlich maneuver to save her from choking to death.

a buddy once told me that I should change to make myself more “appealing” to the opposite sex but I just laughed at his suggestion. I mean, why should I even bother becoming someone I’m not, just for the sake of attracting women? unlike most ppl, I prefer to show my darker, and more messed up side and let them decide if they wanna hang out around me or not. I don’t like putting up appearances because I sure as hell don’t want myself to fall in love w/ someone, only to find out that she’s not exactly the person I first thought. I mean how would YOU feel if you later found out that sweet charming guy you’re dating is actually an abusive asshole who’s been screwing all of his girlfriends like shit and that the only reason he wants to be w/ you is because you just happen to be on his list? to me, an ideal partner would be someone who’s true and honest to herself no matter what. and even if she has a hard time accepting me, all I ask is for her tolerance to put up w/ my own inadequacies. hell, I wouldn’t even mind if she has to give me a smack on the head (or a nagging) whenever I get out of line.

"when the romantic expression 'can't take my eyes off you' goes horribly wrong"

now occasionally, there will be busybodies who try to scandalize me w/ some chick that I happen to be in contact w/. normally I’d usually ignore and perhaps say to myself that these ppl really need to get a life or sth, but there are times when I feel just plain annoyed, I then decide to play a prank on them instead. just a few weeks back, I grabbed a box of Valentine’s chocolates, claiming that it’s for myself. later, when the guys asked me to open the chocolates I said ‘No’ and gave some stupid excuse (because I wanted it for myself of course) and one guy immediately assumed that I was actually saving it for someone special (big mistake there. never make assumptions unless you actually know what’s going on). so I decided to play along and tried to make it seem more and more suspicious. I even hid the chocolates whenever they’re around to make it seem like I’ve either sent it away or preparing to wrap it for Valentine’s. yeah the chocolates are finished now, and unless they’re reading this, they don’t know I actually had a good time laughing at how they’ve been making a fool out of themselves. seriously speaking, how can ppl be so gullible to even jump to that kind of conclusion? maybe after this, I’ll go and start planning an elaborate prank for next year’s Valentine’s just out of spite. that’ll teach you asshats not to spread gossips and such loathsome propaganda abt me. I mean come on ppl. I’m the world’s most electrifying mcp for cryin’ out loud! even if I were interested in a girl, do you really think I’d be dumb enough to actually drop obvious clues/hints that might disclose the details of my love? unless you’re at the same wavelength as me (i.e. you actually spend some time learning the meaning of a person’s name so that you could convey your feelings for her through the use of subtle motifs and allusions in your essays) THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL I would reveal to any of you anything related to my personal life. not even for all the tea in China (and I’m a man who loves his tea).

yes, I realize that the realities of life are not like all of those utopian-like ideals I would want to imagine. but why can’t they be like so? I mean, does true love even exist anymore? did our parents even had to go through all of this shit that we’re facing today? so many questions and not a single answer I can come up w/. with so many complications just to find and get involved in the ideal relationship, I might as well get myself one of those Stepford Wives to make my life easier. and before any of you even start w/ that “dude, all these observing, discussing and theorizing shit are pointless because you actually have to BE in love and experience it yourself to actually understand it” speech, all I’m going to say in response to your expected bullshit is that a criminologist does not need to be a criminal himself to understand criminal behavior, just as I don’t need to fall in love to come up w/ my own opinions based on the things I’ve seen, and the stories I’ve heard. yeah, I guess love sucks and I have no choice but to stand by that assertion. it makes you wonder if Cupid is actually some drunken, winged-idiot who just fires his arrows randomly, causing us to fall in love w/ the wrong ppl or for the wrong reasons. that bastard.

An Idle Mind is the Devil's Workshop

2005-01-26T08:00:00.000-05:00

I’m bored. bored beyond belief. it’s not that I’m exactly free (I have lotsa readings and not to mention that blasted Intermediate Microecons shit to be done with), but for the past few weeks I’ve been having some problems focusing on any tasks I’m doing (esp studying). I dunno, maybe it’s because of my incredibly short attention span. one moment I’m thinking abt one thing, and the next thing to you know my mind suddenly begins to drift onto sth else. and then I end up being utterly confused at what I was doing in the first place (geez, no wonder I’ve been having major problems w/ my memory lately). in any case, since I’m so easily distracted, I feel like it’s not worth it to do just abt anything. and so, most of the time I spend my afternoons after class either surfing the net or sleeping. how boring...

they say you need to spend some time doing sth productive to cure boredom. sth to make you forget your pitiful, miserable life. sth to relieve the stress. sth to make you feel better abt yourself. some seek cigarettes for this purpose. others resort to drinking or even sex. I tried drugs before (got hooked to cough syrup back in high school. it wasn’t really abt getting high or anything, the thing just tasted goddamn good), and I’m in no mood to read any books. I’d play a game or two, preferably on my PS2/GameCube with the guys so at least I can gloat over them but they’re too busy with their own problems and academic difficulties. I’d ask the girls to join me, but we all know girls never play video games. all they do is shop and bake brownies. it is during these times of ultimate boredom that I sometimes contemplate abt committing suicide. not my own of course. I’d prolly coerce some ppl into thinking their lives are worthless and meaningless and tell them to jump for my own amusement (technically it’s not murder you know). gosh, now wouldn’t that be interesting?

I guess there comes a time in your life when this mysterious lethargic feeling takes over you and you suddenly have absolutely no interest to do anything whatsoever. I’m so fucked up, I’ve begun drawing stupid comics again; a hobby that I supposedly left after high school. sometimes I even wonder what the hell I’m doing here anyways. I can’t even imagine myself doing anything related to business in 10 years from now. heck, I don’t even have the slightest idea what I’d wanna end up doing in the future. I might as well cut off my left ear and go back home to become some retarded artist working somewhere in Central Market.

"it was too little too late when Peter Parker realized he shouldn't have messed with Don Vito Corleone's family"

"deciding that an open membership would increase more members, the MSAIUB committee were completely baffled when the el Chupacabra came to apply"

"when pandas go bad"

"in an effort to provide a new twist to the clichéd storylines of Bollywood drama, Hindi movie-lovers everywhere were shocked when they made the handsome and charming hero come out of the closet"

I’m still feeling miserable. now piss off.

Pride

2005-01-15T04:00:00.000-05:00

About a week ago, I came upon this interesting article on Fark.com abt a supposed interview w/ the former CEO of video game giant Nintendo Co., Ltd., Hiroshi Yamauchi. scheduled to appear in WIRED magazine’s Feb 2005 issue, the article was verified as a parody, but I still couldn’t stop laughing hard from reading all of those off color remarks in the damned thing. props to creator/s of the wonderful article for “an incredibly entertaining read”:

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PRIDE

Once the most powerful man in the whole gaming industry, Hiroshi Yamauchi enjoys now his retirement in the Japanese countryside. But gardening has not softened the man who ruled a multi-billion dollar industry with an iron fist. Feared as much as revered, the 77-year-old gives up, for once, his ice-cold stance in this exclusive interview.

It's been some time since your retirement and still many people don't believe it...
I don't quite believe it myself (laughs) but I'm afraid it's true, and even if I pay young Satoru [Iwata, Nintendo's current CEO] a visit from time to time, I spend most of my mornings watching daytime TV ... (laughs) Oh, and gardening. It's hard work but very rewarding, and I enjoy it very much. So much so in fact that, I told young Shigeru [Miyamoto, Nintendo's main creative talent] to make a game about it. And he did, but it wasn't quite what I expected. It still sold well, though. So to answer your question, yes, I'm retired.

Iwata is in charge.
Yes, he is. He is such a bright kid. He lacks the edge I had at his age but he is still young, and learns fast. I always give him advice on almost everything, I even helped him redecorate his office, he's a bit useless in that sense (laughs). But he knows both about the business and creative sides of Nintendo. He designed Kirby [a Nintendo character], and even if it now looks a bit dated and, let's be honest, homosexual, it still is a popular character with children and adults alike. He will take Nintendo into the twenty first century.

Kirby, the pink puffball in question. he looks gay alright. just look at that smiling face. if that isn’t the face of a gay, happy puffball, then I don’t know what it is.

But you still have a rather important part to play in Nintendo's policy making process.
Well, it's my company. I made it. If it wasn't for me Nintendo would still be in the card making business. High quality cards, mind you, superior to the western ones just like every Japanese product is superior to its Western equivalent. Maybe it's because of the Japanese business mentality.

How would you define it?
The Japanese business mentality? Japanese businessmen are tigers, whereas Western businessmen are like Yogi Bear, fat and complacent. They are happy stealing picnic baskets (laughs). You see, the Japanese business mentality is a direct extrapolation of the general Japanese mentality. Before World War 2, we were in a blind alley because of the Americans; we couldn't trade, we couldn't buy fuel and what did we do? We attacked them! We said we were not going to play by their rules. We recognized the danger and faced it bravely. We lost, but what a way to lose! They needed to harness the power of the atom to defeat us. We lost everything and rose again from the radioactive ashes of Hiroshima and Nagasaki. We could have done like the Italians and subjugate ourselves, we could have done like the French and surrender, but we bounced back! We are Japanese! While the post-war generation of American had everything fed to them on silver spoons and watched "I Love Lucy", we were fighting and scratching our way back to the top, the righteous place of the Japanese people. There's this old American saying that applies to Japan: there's no such thing as a free lunch. Well, there obviously is in America, otherwise, they wouldn't be so goddamn fat (laughs). And now that generation of Americans is the one ruling the country, they are the business leaders. They think that everything will work out for them just because it's them! They don't need intelligence, or hard work, or even luck, they think everything will go their way because they are Americans! I mean, just look at their president. And they show contempt towards other cultures, even those superior to their own like the Japanese. I could see this for the hundredth time recently when Microsoft made an offer to buy Nintendo.

Would you care to elaborate?
Economically, it was a very tempting offer. I won't say how much they offered for how many shares, but in all my years in the industry, I had never heard of a quantity remotely like that one. And I've been in the industry all my life. It was going to set the Nikkei aflame! Steve Ballmer himself came to Kyoto. The Americans were confident we would accept as we were not in our strongest position ever. GameCube had not done as well as we expected (but well enough, we have no losses) and the shadow of PSP lurked in the horizon. If there ever was a time to make a deal, it was then. They were so smug, you could see the contempt in their face. Some of the Board Members were ready to sell. But I saw right through the Americans. Agreeing to the deal would not have been just a business matter, it would have been a defeat comparable to the World War 2. Well, I saw that horrible could when I was younger and said "Never again." I still hold executive power and blocked the deal. I gave a short speech right then in the meeting room about Japanese values and identity, but the translator barely passed a part of it. I saw some American laughing. They were not taking us seriously. I got angry and was a bit rude, and I regret it now.

Microsoft’s CEO, Steve Ballmer

What did you say?
I said, well, I'd rather not repeat it. Alright, I told them to lick my balls. The translators looked shocked and obviously decided to offer a loose, not offensive translation. This made me angry. I wanted to offend them, to show them something about Japanese Pride. Please, write Pride with a capital "P" when you transcribe this, thank you. Pride. So I saw that the translators were unreliable and was going to kick them out when I notice Ballmer smiling and mouthing the word "yellow" to his assistant. They thought this was a joke. They were probably saying, look at the old tiny yellow man, he's angry now. Well, that did it. I stood on my chair and put my hands around my mouth to amplify my voice, see, and said, in English, slowly and forming the words very carefully -- HEY, BALLMER, WHY DON'T YOU SUCK MY TINY YELLOW BALLS?

And that was the end of the negotiations?
Yes. The Americans left disgusted and making a ruckus, they were so scandalized, see, it was almost as if I had shown a nipple. A tiny yellow nipple (laughs). A Japanese company would have taken that as a minor setback, a challenge. And that mentality, along with our flexible banking system and closely protected market is what allowed us to take America by storm during that glorious decade, the eighties. I mean, we bought their goddamn country! Rockefeller Centre, Pebble Beach, Downtown L.A., all their landmarks, you name it, we bought it! Just like we took over the videogame industry. Yellow power, eh? And they tried to bounce back but they were not strong enough. Just not strong enough. I mean, look at Atari. Look at the Jaguar! (laughs). And look at Microsoft. They will fail miserably, you cannot break even when you lose money with every single machine you sell. Xbox and Xbox 2 will destroy the company, mark my words.

What about Sony?
Sony is different. Sony is Japanese, like us. They have the same mentality, in principle. In principle, because they have been corrupted by the Western ethos. They don't care about loyalty, or about advancing the industry, they only care about profit. They are always hungry, like Americans! (laughs). And the sad thing is that they appear to be successful. They are completely devoid of originality or courage, they only go where other companies have gone before. The one bold step they ever took was releasing the PlayStation, which they did after a rejection on our part. Look at the PSP [Sony's new handheld device], for instance. So they want to break into the handheld market. They didn't create it, or improve it, they just want a piece of the action now that the real money is there. And they release the PSP. And what is its biggest asset? It has a larger screen. How do you control the games? With the Dual Shock's [Playstation's controller] stick. How original.

So you are not a fan of the PSP?
The PSP is probably the worst concept for a handheld device I've ever seen. And I should know, I released the Virtual Boy [Nintendo's failed Virtual Reality system] (laughs). First of all, look at the game media. They come in discs for God's sake! Discs load. A kid will get in the bus on his way to school and insert a disc on the machine. By the time the game has loaded the boy has arrived to his school. If he wants to play during recess he will have to leave the game loading during class. And that's not what handheld gaming is about. Handheld gaming is about gaming on the go, about instant thrills. And that's why a handheld console must be small and light, it has to be carried everywhere. Look at the size and weight of the PSP, you could kill a man with it. Look at its shape. It's so threatening. It's shaped like a giant penis. But the main problem the PSP has is its battery life. Most of the power is drained during the loading process. By the time you start to enjoy yourself, the battery will run out. And the batteries are such low quality! They break very often and need constant replacements. The PSP has very expensive components, which I guess can eventually work out to Sony's advantage. I think that's how they will probably make a profit, by selling battery replacements.

the purported phallic-shaped portable playstation

What's your opinion on the software?
The same old thing we've seen a thousand times. The best game at launch was Ridge Racer. It's 1995 all over again! (laughs) I'm sure the vast majority of the PSP's catalogue will consist of remakes of old PlayStation games. For the good of the industry I would actually like to see original games on the PSP and not just remakes.

Do you think it will be a success?
I don't think so. I reckon our Nintendo DS will sweep the floor with it. What do they have? They have Square Enix. They will probably release a traditional RPG [role playing game]. Children are bored of RPG's. Kids don't want to have long conversations with NPC's [non-playable characters] or random battles with enemies. They want Pokemon. They want interaction. They want communication. They want screens in which you can write and send messages to your friends and in which you can actually touch the game characters. The DS opens new possibilities in the gaming, it makes it more accessible, more social. The DS will make the world a better place. Sony cannot see that because long ago Sony lost track of the values that make the Japanese game industry the best in the world.

the next gen handheld console?

Which are?
Loyalty. Innovation. Boldness. Sure, little by little, Western values creep into our society. We have lost partners along the way, like Square, and recently Capcom. We felt their betrayal very deeply. Poor Shigery [Shigeru Miyamoto] was disconsolate, he was personally let down by Mikami [Shinji Mikami, Capcom executive] after reaching a gentleman's agreement with him. They shook hands and gave their word, in my day, that was enough to seal any deal. Mikami is a double faced bastard, that's what he is. What kind of man breaks his word? So we know what it is like to lose allies. They were lured by the money and the glittering lights. Well, those lights are the lights of the train coming straight ahead at you. We are that train, and we will run over anyone in our way.

So Nintendo will no longer have a cordial relationship with Capcom?
Let's say we may forgive, but never forget. Frankly, I couldn’t care less about Mikami, but I feel sorry for Shigery, he's so sensitive. He's an artist, and as such, he's very easily affected by external developments, and I fear once again he needs my help and guidance to keep him on track. Like when he was designing Jumpman [Nintendo character Mario], he wasn't going through a particularly happy period of his life, and that led to carelessness and abandon. For instance, he didn't want to give Jumpman a moustache because he thought it made Jumpman look like Hitler. But I told him, Jumpman is Italian, Italians are hairy, he needs a moustache, and so what if some idiots think he looks like Hitler? Let's take the risk. He who dares, wins, then and now, in business and in life.

Shigeru Miyamoto: the man responsible for Donkey Kong, Super Mario Bros., The Legend of Zelda, Star Fox and many other great games that have made Nintendo the video game giant that it is today.

But the current economic climate in Japan favors caution and playing it safe.
You mean the recession? The near collapse of our banking system? The weakness of the Yen? Do you think in all my years in the business the wind has never blown against me? We have many enterprises in our hands. We have the DS. We have Revolution [Nintendo's next generation system] and we have our new Film Production division. Some of the stuff those boys are doing is amazing. Revolutionary. The Americans won't be able to compete, and it will be yet another market that we will snatch away from them. What Godzilla started we will finish (laughs).

What are your predictions for the next hardware generation?
From a technological point of view, all machines will be pretty evenly matched up. So what will make the difference will be the software, and Nintendo is the best software house in the world. Revolution will be the perfect platform to demonstrate that. The name is no coincidence. It will be revolutionary. The technology, the software libraries, the control method. Even the plastic the case will be made of is of a new, revolutionary kind. And it will interact with the DS in ways never thought possible. From a financial point of view, the next two years won't be very profitable for everyone, but as soon as there's an installed user base for the new consoles, the next generation will prove to be the most profitable one. Not everybody will get to that point. Certainly not Sega (laughs). They were a worthy rival but look where they are now, fighting for the scraps of the sports game market, they cannot even compete with a bunch of Canadians. I mean look at their logo, it's a leaf! (laughs) And Sega is in this position because they had neither vision nor courage during the last hardware generation. Winning the console wars will take boldness. It will take a huge gamble. But I've always told the heads of my software and hardware groups -- no guts, no glory.

NOTE TO SELF: not to be confused w/ Hitler

Born in Brooklyn in 1976, Jack Gleason (jagleason@gmail.com) moved to Tokyo at an early age, where he majored in Journalism. He works as freelance journalist for Wired since 2002, and he is currently awaiting the publication of his first book about Gaming Culture.

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credits:

Article was originally found at: Gamerah.com

Shigeru Miyamoto’s image courtesy of Miyamoto Shrine

Winter Break Aftermath

2005-01-09T16:03:00.000-05:00

This is what happens when you spend the whole winter break doing nothing but play World of Warcraft (oh yeah, and if you haven’t shaved for more than a week too).

yes, the guys and I have agreed that I look like a criminal/smuggler/serial rapist/terrorist/homeless bum etc. etc. then again, no wonder I used to feel safe walking around in KL’s Central Market area back then (ppl are more likely to think I’m one of the muggers because of this look). personally, I’ve always thought the beard resembles a dead tarantula stuck on my chin anyways. hmmm… maybe I could even go for an audition for a part as pirate or sth…

check out the World of Warcraft cinematic intro: download here

Looking Back

2005-01-01T13:13:00.000-05:00

Yes, ‘tis been quite a year. so many things have happened in the past 12 months. some of ‘em good, some bad. frankly speaking, I have mixed feelings abt the year 2004. sure, there were many major disappointments (Mr. G.W Shrub’s electoral win in November for one. then again, I really couldn’t care less abt America and its obviously bleak political future) but I guess I can’t really complain because apparently, there were many other interesting/eventful things that have occurred. here’s a recap of some of those things in question:

Weaving a Web
I started this website sometime at the end February 2004. originally, I was ‘inspired’ by judd to write journal entries on MySpace.com, but I wasn’t satisfied because I couldn’t do heavy web designing with it, so I just ditched the whole thing after 5 entries and began plans for a ‘true website’. with some of the basics judd taught me before he left, I began learning how to use Microsoft FrontPage to make simple web pages (with additional help from nublie of course). later, while taking the X201 Business Technology class, I began using Macromedia’s Dreamweaver to do most of my web editing.

from the beginning I had wanted the site’s overall design to be significantly different from your typical blog page, so I asked the help of another senior, epul, with my designs. to maintain some form of originality, I objected to the idea of using premade blog skins/templates and opted to do the whole manual coding myself. I even changed the archive section to make it more...’unique’. recently, I downloaded Macromedia’s Fireworks to spruce up the site a bit. yeah, sure. some of you my think the site’s overall design looks ugly/sloppy and I myself have seen many original and neat-looking sites, but at least I did everything on my own. that’s surely sth to be proud of. it’s even a surprise that I know how to design a website. for a guy who doesn’t even know how to use a standard cell phone (no kidding) that’s an incredibly huge accomplishment you know...

Friends, Debates and...
2004 was a year when judd, syah and epul left. it’s kinda sad because there are fewer Malaysian malay men around here (and worse still, more are becoming romantically involved, leaving me w/ very few ppl to hang out with). I really don’t care abt the girls...there are just way too many of them over here anyway. besides, ‘tis been awhile since any decent-looking Malaysian chicks came to IU...

I remember a year ago, the guys and I would hold discussions after dinner, talking abt various topics ranging from religion, politics, to sex, and many other stuff. it has been almost half a decade since I left the debating scene, and although I swore I’d never want anything to do w/ debating anymore, I guess I couldn’t help myself from talking/arguing w/ the fellas abt their opinions and exchanging ideas and points of view. sometimes I do notice that during these discussions, the way I talk bears eerie semblances to the way I used to argue as a debater. but then I remind myself that times have changed and I try to maintain calmness and restrain myself from going overboard w/ my arguments. someone once told me, she was quite surprised that at times I could even argue vehemently one minute and then suddenly turn into a mild-mannered and reserved person, talking in a very pacifistic way. quite a talent huh?

w/ judd now gone, the only ones left in the group are ikram, ajeep and me. occasionally, yazmi and nublie would come to share their “expertise” in women and relationships w/ us, but most of the times it’s just the three of us discussing together, usually after dinner in the living room and sometimes at Subway, after working out at the gym. it’s really fun talking abt these things...it gives me the opportunity to learn how ppl think and why do they subscribe to certain beliefs and ideas. I really wonder what I’d do without the guys...

on a not-so-related note, while several buddies have left for home, it’s quite shocking that some ppl that I thought I’d never see or hear from again “popped up” last year. I have the memory span that of a goldfish (translation: I’m really bad at remembering ppl) hence it’s a real surprise that I’d get to meet these ppl after so many years. once, I completely forgot a Chinese ex-classmate’s name after not seeing her for one semester, and it was damn embarrassing when we bumped into one another ‘cuz I didn’t know what to call her (I could’ve prolly gotten away w/ just a “hey you!” as a greeting but I didn’t want to take any chances). but what really surprised me is that some of these ppl were close friends of mine during my debating days.

as I mentioned earlier, I never want to associate myself w/ debating anymore and I personally hate it when some ppl remind me of it. sure, I had my own share of fun and major letdowns back then, but it was sth of the past and meant to be forgotten. I guess I was trying so hard to forget anything to do with the past, I didn’t realize I was beginning to forget ppl from that era as well. if it weren’t for the wonders of Friendster and the MSN Messenger, I bet these ppl would become nothing but distant memories for me.

Yu-Gi-Oh! Mania
I started playing Yu-Gi-Oh! while I was still doing my prep program in Shah Alam. I followed the manga a bit, and later when I got here, I was hooked to the anime. I thought abt trying the actual card game and played it w/ the guys for awhile, but it wasn’t until last summer that I was finally persuaded by epul to play competitively. here’s a rundown of the Yu-Gi-Oh!- related events I attended last year:

June 2004
we started out at this tournament at a local game shop downtown called Game Preserve. I think mentioned this event in a previous entry. yeah, I lost. nothing spectacular. at least I got some exposure of playing the real deal w/ actual human opponents (all this while I’ve been playing against pitiful computer A.I).

September 2004
I started coming to Game Preserve regularly. hahaha. coming. regularly. “coming regularly”. hahaha. anyway, I participated in several tournaments and by the end of the month I finally snatched my first victory at 3rd place . all I got was a lousy non-functioning calculator (to tally up life points during the game) and a cool-looking deck box, but at least it was worth it. the guys over there finally realized I was quite “a force to reckoned with”. anyway that was the last time we played at Game Preserve since the owner didn’t appreciate us using the game room past 9 pm, so the guys and I decided to play at another hobby store near the college mall called Avalon.

November 2004
I really made my mark when I participated in a team tournament and won 1st place (again, not much of a prize, only got 2 booster packs). in teams of 3, I became team captain and lead our way to victory against some of the best local players here in Bloomington. but that was nothing compared to the Rise of Destiny Sneak Peek event that ajeep and I attended near the end of the month in Indianapolis. it was an actual Upper Deck-hosted tournament conducted in Swiss format (5 rounds, 32 participants per “flight”, no elimination, prizes are distributed according to the number of rounds you win) but the rules are different because duelists can’t use their own decks to compete. instead, we’re given 5 booster packs each (9 cards per pack) and then 15 minutes to construct a deck w/ a minimum of 20 cards before dueling. it was tough because not only would you have to rely on your skills, but what cards you get could also determine your overall performance throughout the whole thing. now I always thought I’ve been blessed w/ an insane amount of luck in my life so I was confident I’d get some really good pulls. turns out Lady Luck wasn’t smiling at me that time, cuz all the cards I got was so lousy beyond comprehension, I almost cried. still, I went along and surprisingly, I won round after round until some guy beat me in the 4th. ajeep lost by the 3rd (anyone who won 3 rounds or less got 1 booster pack) but I was determined I should at least win 4 rounds (which I did). it was simply amazing. because I had all crappy cards from my pulls, I had to rely on my skills and my luck at drawing the cards I needed to win the 5th and final round which netted me 3 booster packs and 1 European tournament pack (but then all I got from these packs were also lousy. damn it). oh well, at least I won sth (even better, in my flight of 32 ppl, I ranked 3rd. not bad eh?).

the thing I truly love abt Yu-Gi-Oh! is the tactical and strategical aspect of the game, esp when you have to make decisions and determine the best move or course of action based on the resources you have (the cards in your hand). I dunno. I’m hoping I’ll find some time this year to participate in the Regional tournaments and then the Nationals, before finally heading for the World Championships (which will be held in Japan this year). man, that’ll be freakin’ sweet I tell ya.

Ramadan, Raya & Annoying Brats
it was my second Ramadan in the States and fortunately, nothing bad happened (well, several ppl did break up, but that’s not much of a tragedy compared to ajeep’s mishap in the previous year when he broke a leg after he slipped and fell down in the kitchen). also, unlike 2003, we only had to prepare and serve food at the masjid for iftar once. but then, you know something’s wrong when it is the guys who end up forking out money to buy the ingredients and doing all of the cooking, serving and cleaning while the girls didn’t do diddly-squat for the iftar at the masjid. raya itself wasn’t that bad. ajeep and I decided we’d have sth different, so we decided to roast a turkey for the feast. I even got to perform the Eid prayer too (the year before I had to skip it because of a farking philosophy class).

one other event worthwhile mentioning was during this annual iftar-dinner we had at a local church (it was a joint-venture event between the church and the Islamic center, but the food was prepared by muslim brothers & sisters). while the guys and I were enjoying our meal, this nice-looking lady who sat quite near to us asked my housemate ikram abt the athan and why muslims fast. realizing that he was having a hard time w/ a response, I decided to cut in to help ikram out a bit. turns out, in the next 15 minutes or so, I was the one who actually ended up explaining every bit of detail to the lady abt the functions of the athan and some clarifications abt muslims practices (God, why didn’t I just keep my mouth shut?). don’t get me wrong, I know some of you might think that it’s cool to explain to non-muslims abt Islam, but I’m just a lazy-ass person who couldn’t be bothered to talk to a stranger any longer than 5 minutes. but I guess it wasn’t that bad compared to the previous year, when I had to teach this lady and some kids the Arabic alphabet. it was even worse when she asked me to teach the kids how to write their names in Arabic.

speaking abt kids, sometime during late summer, ikram and I agreed to help hana at this family day event. the job seemed simple: take care of the kids at this inflatable “bouncy castle” so they don’t end up getting hurt. it was practically a babysitting job and we had to do it for 3 hours with the promise of a 20 dollar supermarket gift card each. sounds easy? NOT. while ikram seems like a natural w/ kids, I had an incredibly horrible time throughout the whole thing. those little bastards were annoying as hell, esp the smartasses who would complain and not listen when I told them their time bouncing in the castle was up. I swear, if it weren’t for the fact that the parents were around, I would’ve gladly whipped out my leather belt and start lashing those brats Indiana Jones-style repeatedly.

Natural Disasters
on December 26th 2004, tragedy struck when an earthquake in Sumatra caused tsunamis throughout South Asia. I heard the death toll for Malaysia is abt 66 (and that doesn’t include the many “missing” ppl). while the news of the tragedy was very depressing indeed, I was actually reminded of another disastrous event which occurred exactly 8 years ago, when Hurricane Greg caused massive destruction and flash floods which killed hundreds in Sabah. coincidently, both happened on the day after Christmas. weird isn’t it? I was actually in Kota Kinabalu when Greg stormed that night. my mom tried to wake me up around 3 am in the morning because the wind was strangely violent but I couldn’t be bothered to get up since I was so damn tired and sleepy. I was shocked beyond belief the next morning when my dad drove the family around to see the whole town in a mess. guess one would never expect these things to happen in Malaysia, huh? anyway, my condolences to anyone who lost their families, friends and pet cats in the recent tragedy.

I think that’ll be enough of reminiscing of the past year. it’s 2005 and it’s time to look up ahead for better things to come. now off w/ you.

Toy Story

2004-12-25T23:45:00.000-05:00

It’s that time of the year. the day when the birth of Christ is commemorated. a time when shitty tv specials and boring parades dominate most of the channels. a time when you’re forced to insincerely give crappy gifts to your friends and family members alike just because they also sent sth crappy and useless to you. a time when gullible children are force-fed with all of those stupid bullshit lies abt a fat man in red who doesn’t have anything better to do but climb down chimneys and give toys to kids all over the world in one single night. that one time when you wouldn’t actually mind kissing your fugly-looking next-door neighbor under the mistletoe because you were so drunk from drinking eggnog. that’s Christmas for ya.

no, I don’t actually celebrate it, but that doesn’t mean I can’t join the bandwagon and have my own share of the fun during the festival. like Valentine’s or Easter, I really couldn’t care less abt the celebration itself as I’m more concerned abt hunting delectable chocolates that are abundant during these festivities, except in the case of Christmas, I go out and pamper myself with toys and some really neat (but expensive) stuff that I’ve been dying to have throughout the whole year. I’m a bit disappointed that this year I don’t have enough money to get myself the newly-released Nintendo DS (I had to spend my money on…..’something else’…), but I guess that could wait. at least I got these shiny new cars a few days back at Target, so I’m content that’ll do for now:

the Initial D die cast metal collection, recently released by Jada Toys (scale 1:64). from left to right: Mazda RX-7 FC3S, Mazda RX-7 FD3S, Nissan Skyline GTR R32 & Nissan Sil-Eighty. the only ones I don’t have at the moment are the Mitsubishi Lancer Evolution III and the anime’s trademark car, the Toyota Trueno AE86.

visit the jada toys site:

as a child, I used to be spoiled by my parents (especially by my mom) and almost everything that I demanded had to be complied. I’d get nearly every single toy that I wished for, but as years went by, it became my old man’s policy that I had to “rightfully earn” whatever I wanted and that meant scoring in exams and performing well in my studies (other than waiting for my birthdays of course). later, when I left for high school, I had no choice but to save my monthly allowance to expand my ever-growing collection of action figures, model kits, collectibles and memorabilia. today, at the age of 21, I still buy all of these things as a hobby (no, I don’t play with them you idiots. I just put them up for display). heck, come to think of it, I bet not even my youngest sister’s entire Barbie collection and her Cabbage Patch Kids dolls combined could ever tantamount to the insanely large number of stuff I have in my treasure trove of toys.

anyway, here are some of the other model kits/figurines/statuettes I’ve collected that have been put on display in my room (which I aptly dubbed ‘The Frozen Throne’ since the room is always farking cold due to the bizarre air conditioning).

Bandai's gundam model kits. scale 1/144.

I grew up emulating a lot of things from my big bro, and one of them happens to be model kit building. however, while my bro preferred cars, spaceships and aircrafts, my interest was more influenced by the many animes I watch, hence the reason why I collected gundam model kits instead. I started buying ‘em since high school, and although I have many back home, my eldest sis once showed them to my little cousins to keep them occupied while they came to visit, and needless to say, it didn’t take long before almost every one of my gundams were missing their parts (who the hell actually plays w/ model kits anyway? those little bastards will pay for this one day). the 3 above are from one of my fave gundam shows: After War Gundam X.

Garrod Ran’s Gundam Double X strutting off it’s awesome Twin Satellite Cannon.

the Frost Brothers’ machines of mayhem. left: Shagia Frost’s Gundam Virsago w/ its Mega Sonic Barrel deployed and Strike Claws ready in action. right: Olba Frost’s Gundam Ashtaron sharpening its 2 large pincer-like Atomic Scissors, ideal for cutting up little children to ribbons for messing up w/ my gundam collection.

I bought the gundams here

here in front of my desk we have my favorite harem of bosomy beauties in all of their glory.

love hina story image pvc figure, series 1: from left to right: Mitsune Konno, Shinobu Maehara & Naru Narusegawa. top left: Kazami Mizuho from the anime Onegai Teacher.

Kazami Mizuho, Onegai Teacher resin statue (Chieri version, scale 1/7)
now if only I could have a girlfriend as busty as her…

I noticed that several girls who’s been to my room and seen the Kazami Mizuho statuette gave me the impression that they felt ‘offended’ by it. some of them actually told me that “she looks fake because her boobs are way oversized”. wow. talk abt major insecurity. I still find it hard to believe that there are girls out there who would feel ‘threatened’ by a resin statue that was based on a fictional character w/ large mammary glands. and some of you call ME sad…*sighs*

get your resin kits at

the IMCP’s Frozen Throne

spawn (issue#7 cover art)

I was first introduced to Todd McFarlane’s Spawn by my high school buddy pa’a (the one who designed my piggie shirt). I already knew abt McFarlane from another best bud of mine (he was into Spider-man, and Todd’s depiction of Venom was way cool. in a way, you could say that Spawn himself looks eerily similar to Venom) but his portrayal of a gruesome and merciless anti-hero spawned from the very bowels of hell is just too awesome to ignore.

check out McFarlane’s other cool toys at:

from left: the wily Dreadlord, Tichondrius the Darkener; the wise and noble Orc Warchief, Thrall; the mighty Orc Warsong Clan Chieftain, Grom Hellscream; the treacherous and power-hungry Arthas, the Death Knight; and the sultry but deadly Night Elf Ranger, Shandris Feathermoon.

buy your Warcraft figures at Blizzard’s online store:

I dunno abt you ppl, but I’ve always loved the Warcraft series. seriously, Blizzard’s epic fantasy world has a storyline so rich and engrossing, I personally think it could even top Tolkien’s LOTR if it was made into a movie. I recently got myself World of Warcraft, a MMORPG (Massively Multiplayer Online Role-Playing Game) which is any Warcraft fan’s dream come true (see? dreams do come true you know). while I was flipping thru the booklet, I saw a catalog included in the box which showcased these:

from left to right: Undead Warlock, Jungle Troll Voodoo Priest, Tauren Shaman.
produced by SOTA Toys, these nifty babies were slated for a late 2004 release (and they’re still not around for Christmas). oh well, I guess I still have some space in my bookcase:

in the future, I plan to get my hands ahold of the Transformers’ G1 Constructicon set (the original gestalt group that started it all) and the feared Dinobots (gotta love Grimlock and his gang). I checked ‘em at eBay but most of them are quite expensive (esp the mint or in-boxed condition Dinobots. they could fetch around hundreds). maybe I’ll just get them by next Christmas or sth.

I’m done for now. Merry Christmas to all, and to all, shut the hell up.

A Turkey under a Crescent Moon

2004-11-23T23:50:00.000-05:00

It’s been more than a week since the celebration of Eid-ul-Fitr and Thanksgiving is only a few days away. I thought I wanted to post an entry abt sth related to these occasions, but I’m just feeling farking lazy to do anything these days (laziness…maybe it’s time to grab a bar of Snickers!! <-- yeah, yeah..I know most of you prolly wouldn’t get this joke but what the hell...). anyways here are some Hari Raya pics we took during Ramadhan a few weeks back (credits to pitek for the pics).

I’m not doing anything for the Thanksgiving break except maybe burn some rubber in Need for Speed Underground 2 or do some serious ass-whippin’ in WWE Smackdown! vs. Raw w/ the guys on my PS2. I also have a lot of catching up to do on my reading (finished Mick Foley’s Tietam Brown recently; thinking of finishing Lolita and then maybe start on Warcraft: Part 2 of the War of Ancients Trilogy: The Demon Soul <-- yes, I’m a geek and I dig these kinds of books). maybe I’ll post the aforementioned entry that I’ve been postponing to do so many times in a couple of days. in the meantime, just for the sake of bragging, here's a pic of sth I did on the 1st of Syawal....

(for the slow, yes that IS indeed a turkey. it took us nearly a week to finish that goddamn thing)

IMCP in Style

2004-11-06T01:30:00.000-05:00

To commemorate men’s victory over women in the Battle of the Sexes, I’ve decided to unveil to the whole world my next project:

yup, that’s right. it’s my very own spiffy-lookin’ t-shirt!! the screen-printed shirt is 100% preshrunk cotton (Hanes Heavyweight, made in Mexico) and boasts my insignia on the top left of the chest and a cigar-smokin’, gun-totin’ badass male piglet at the back (see images below). credits for the wonderful design goes to shamsul fakhar (aka pa’a / shamsul fucker), an ex-schoolmate of mine who started drawing macho-looking pigs after Mr. Fong decided to let us read George Orwell’s Animal Farm back in Form Two (thanks again dude. couldn’t have done it without your help. your pigs rock!!!).

currently I only have two of ‘em in my closet and as far as I’m concerned, I don’t have any plans yet to mass produce it (although nublie did suggest that I start selling the shirt or sth, but I thought I’d keep it in small quantities for its novelty value). I do intend to discuss w/ pa’a to provide me w/ designs for a cap and a long-sleeved shirt (and maybe someday a jacket of some sort, now that’d be cool) in the future, but for now, I’m thinking of making a few more t-shirts as birthday presents for some of my closer associates/enemies. so if you know me and I know your address, don’t be surprised if you’re getting a shirt with a mean-looking pig emblazoned on the back on your birthday. you have been warned.

Battle of the Sexes

2004-10-26T08:45:00.000-05:00

You know, as an mcp I’ve always thought that men are superior in every other way compared to women. still, just to reassure that my beliefs are correct, I thought I’d do an ‘objective’ analysis in the form of a “gender battle”, by comparing and contrasting some of the common (read: STEREOTYPICAL) traits that each sex possess. finally, after a month long hiatus of doing nothing but accumulate enough information (and finding the time to actually type this entry) I was able to classify the male and female species’ gender traits in 10 different areas/categories. points will either be awarded or deducted depending on the advantages or disadvantages that each has over the opposite sex in each category, and at the end, the one w/ highest score wins and will be declared as the superior sex (duh). anyways, enough prattling from me and let the battle begin!!

ROUND 1 – PHYSICAL TRAITS

HIS SIDE

• men in general are stronger than women. you can never expect a woman to do heavy duty jobs like chopping trees, hauling stuff on the shoulders, let alone tasks like opening jars or bottle caps without flinching. yup, these are things a woman could only dream of doing (+ 10 pts.).
• beefy/muscular traits are considered sexy to most women (+ 5 pts.). not to say that all men look (or should look) like a green version of Bruce Banner that is, but having muscles is always a plus for guys.
• let’s face it, a guy w/ a bulging chest is definitely a sight for sore eyes. having manboobs is a complete disgrace for a man. you should hang yourself if you have these. (- 20 pts.)
• contrary to what some women would want you to believe, most girls dig beards & ‘taches. it’s a lucky thing that guys can grow them and feel proud of ‘em. (+ 5 pts.) some say they make you sexier too… *decides not to shave for several weeks*
• perhaps one the best things abt being a guy is that you can be a fat, balding loser and yet still have the opportunity to score w/ nice, slim & good-looking chicks. no, really. we don’t need to worry much abt our appearances because we could always bait women w/ our money, personality or our sense of humor, even if you look like a close relative of Jabba the Hutt(+ 20 pts.).

HER SIDE

• women are weak (- 10 pts.). then again, despite being utterly powerless in terms of brute strength, one would have to admit that women deserve a certain respect for being able to withstand the pains of pregnancy and childbirth (+ 10 pts.).
• women + muscles = definitely a no-no. any female who looks like she’s on steroids is definitely a turn off for most of the male population (those who DO dig muscular women are usually freaks w/ bizarre fetishes). nope, women are definitely not supposed to have Popeye-like biceps. (- 5 pts.)
• the female mammary glands are objects of aesthetic value that should be admired for its sheer beauty. being round and firm, they serve the purpose of nurturing the young, providing milk which contains all the necessary nutrients and vitamins for a healthy child. they also make great stress relievers for adult men who are in need of sth soft & supple to be squashed in their palms (+ 20 pts.).
• unless you’re getting prepared for Halloween to dress up as Chewbacca or one of the hairy muppets from Sesame Street, beards & ‘taches don’t mix w/ chicks (- 5 pts.)
• yes, (most) men are shallow. girls need to look at their best all the time esp if they want guys to check them out. some may have to resort to wearing push-up bras, wear scantily-cladded outfits or get surgery (silicone, nose job etc.) to make sure they have the sex appeal to draw a male crowd. seriously, if a girl is not appearance-conscious of herself (not wearing make-up, hairy eyebrows, unkempt dressing) she might end up being labeled Category F and be shunned forever by the male society. yup, having to worry abt how you look like all the time sure sucks. (- 20 pts.)

TOTAL SCORE: Men = 20 Women = -10

VERDICT: no doubt abt it, guys fare better in terms of Physical Traits. can’t blame much on women though. they’re born to be physically weak and if it isn’t because that we’re shallow-minded, they wouldn’t hafta think abt their appearance 24/7.

ROUND 2 – THE MENTAL ASPECTS

HIS SIDE

• most men are insensitive. the degree may vary for each person, but most of us really don’t care much abt our emotions. crying is for pussies anyways. that’s why we’re more likely to think with a clear head and not have petty feelings to cloud our judgments (+ 10 pts.). still, the lack of emotions can sometimes lead us into being blunt/rude/remorseless/cruel/selfish and every other negative trait known in the universe because we really just don’t care that much (- 5 pts.). oh well…
• I know there are women out there would love to stone me to death for saying this, but I’m gonna say it anyways: GUYS ARE SMARTER THAN GIRLS. we may be lazier (- 5 pts.), but when you really think abt it, we also happen to be the greatest conniving politicians, conmen, swindlers, liars, frauds in the world. deceitful, calculating and manipulative…sure sounds like a sign of high intelligence to me. and let’s not forget, some of the greatest thinkers and scientists throughout history were men too (+ 20 pts.). if we were to rely on women for inventions and the improvement of civilization, we’d still be living in the Stone Age and still trying to learn how to build a fire.
• we’re natural-born slobs. if it weren’t for our mothers/wives, we would prolly live in what could only be described as a pig’s sty. don’t believe me? just look at the rooms of the average college guy/bachelor. it looks like Hurricane Jeanne repeatedly crashed into it. we’re unorganized and broadly speaking, we really have serious hygiene problems (- 20 pts.). like it or not guys, we owe the girls a lot for keeping us in order.
• we’re independent creatures alright. aside from the personal care problem mentioned above, we are capable of taking care of ourselves 99.9% of the times (+ 10 pts.). a proof is that parents have no worry abt letting us go out unattended because they know we can take care ourselves pretty well.
• we’re cocky. we’re egoistic. we’re shameless (- 5 pts.). but at the same time we’re pretty much confident in whatever we do (+ 10 pts.). once we’ve set our minds to it, we can perform whatever we want without the slightest care in the world.

HER SIDE

• girls are emotionally fragile (- 5 pts.). anything remotely offensive could easily hurt their feelings. a joke could be taken seriously and deemed a personal attack and she’d usually respond by either being a super bitchy abt it or start whining and crying. talk abt having no sense of humor. geez, sometimes I seriously wish you girls would just shut up and suck it up.
• though they may not be naturally as smart as men (- 5 pts.), women make up for it by being more hardworking in whatever they do. the result, most of them tend to perform better academically compared to us guys (+ 10 pts.). yes, it’s embarrassing to admit, but when it comes to book smarts (the one which involves schools and colleges), they’re definitely the winner there.
• the female species has always been known as the more fussy, and finicky sex (- 10 pts.). they’re always complaining abt things which seem ‘out of place’ or ‘doesn’t look right’, and can be very irritable even when the problems are so small and obscure (a good example would be an individual who’s now residing in Tulip Tree 604. if you’re reading this…yes, I MEAN YOU). then again, despite being so picky abt a lot of things, the princesses of prissiness are also way more organized and definitely more hygienic in every single way than your average man (+ 30 pts.). yes, there are exceptional female slobs out there (as claimed by several witnesses at various residential schools, most notably TKC), but the numbers are ever so small, as the typical woman seems to appreciate stability, order and cleanliness more than us. kudos to you girls.
• I suppose since the dawn of time women have always had a problem regarding their freedom to do anything they want. it’s already bad enough that they’re bound to the traditional beliefs, customs, ideas or social stereotypes (like the ones in this entry) which restrict and tell them what they can or can’t do (- 10 pts.), even worse is that they’re always considered preys for men who are ever-prepared to take advantage of them. rape, forced prostitution, sexual assault, sexual harassments…and the list goes on. the world is not exactly a safe place for women because they’re constantly in danger of these possible threats (- 20 pts.). and yet you girls wonder why your moms won’t let you go out at night by yourselves...
• careless, reckless, and gullible (- 10 pts.)...need I say more? worse still, women can be very indecisive that making up their minds could take like a millennia (as witnessed when they’re shopping for clothes or shoes). I suspect that unlike us guys, women lack confidence when passing judgments. not to say they don’t have confidence at all, it’s just that women can be so ambivalent when they’re making decisions, even if it’s sth so insignificant like finding out which dress suits them better (- 10 pts.). just get the orange skirt and get it over with goddamnit…

TOTAL SCORE: Men = 15 Women = -30)

VERDICT: that’s 2 rounds for the men and still nothing for the women. yes, we’ve just uncovered some of the ugliest secrets regarding our own genders (men being smelly slime balls and women being mentally frail idiots who always seem to have a hard time making a decision) but there’s still more to come...

ROUND 3 – LOVE

HIS SIDE

• when it comes to love & relationships, it is almost always the guy who has to face the most risks. apart from having to protect our girlfriends from anything dangerous that could possibly harm them (it’s never the other way around), men are usually expected to make the 1st move during the initial stages of a relationship, facing the possible embarrassment from rejection (- 10 pts.). on the other hand, we also serve as the voice of reason in a relationship (+ 10 pts.), because we’re realists who are capable of guiding and comforting the weak-minded women to overcome their petty daily problems and whatnot.
• in today’s age, love costs money. although not compulsory, it is usually the men who’re expected to fork out cash on dates (- 10 pts.), not to mention the unnecessary buying of gifts/chocolates/flowers on Valentine’s or any other stupid celebration that only women would care to remember (e.g. your relationship’s anniversary. trust me, unless you’re commemorating sth worthwhile like your wedding, any anniversaries is a complete waste of time & money). we’re also expected to be a ‘gentleman’ and treat women like queens (- 10 pts.), and yet we hardly get treated like kings from our girlfriends. is that a sign of double standard I see there? oh yeah it is...
• you will notice from the very early stages of a romance blossoming that the man will spend less time will his other mates, focusing more on phone calls and meeting his significant other 24/7. soon, he’ll be busy w/ dates, buying gifts etc.etc. and some eventually end up being shunned by their other single buddies. I can understand that being in love requires commitment (yes; a taboo word that guys like myself pretty much like to avoid using or engage in) but sometimes I feel that the amount of time, money, and possible strained “male-bonding” w/ the fellas just because of one woman is just not worth it (- 10 pts.).
• whenever a relationship ends, guys can be very pathetic from the outcome. they end up becoming bitter, angst men who are angry at females for apparent reason (- 10 pts.) and some even vow to lead a life free of women (what are you ppl looking at me for? I’m not bitter or angst goddamnit!!). yes, they’re sad indeed...

HER SIDE

• usually girls are the dreamers & romanticists in a relationship. they’re always fantasizing that their mundane/boring love-life turn out sth like in the movies or fairy-tales. not that it’s entirely a bad thing, but sometimes it distracts them from facing the facts that their relationship is common, and absolutely nothing is special abt them (- 5 pts.). everything that you’ve seen from Hollywood/Bollywood/a stupid tv show like Sex in the City (God, I hate Sarah Jessica Parker. I don’t care what you ppl think; she is fucking ugly and a whore) is utter BULLSHIT (yes w/ caps) so you should start accepting it and wake up from that ridiculous fantasies of yours.
• being a girl is always a plus when you’re in a relationship. you could wish anything from you idiotic boyfriends and they’ll definitely get it for you. food, flowers, stupid soft toys...etc. etc. and no matter how much they might grumble abt it, in the end you will still get what you want (+ 20 pts.).
• women are clingy creatures; they need their boyfriends to be around them like a blood-sucking flea that will never seem to go away. usually you would notice that it is the guy who has to sacrifice more of his time to be w/ her than the other way around (+ 10 pts.). they will demand your presence when they need it and are not ashamed to tell you to be on your way once they meet up w/ their girlfriends for some “sisterhood bonding” (a less extreme version of lesbianism. no, really).
• while guys become bitter & angry men after break-ups, girls normally go into a slight depression (a slight conscious of guilt perhaps?). some might feel relieved that it was finally over (maybe because the guy was a jerk) but deep inside, they’re probably feeling sad & stupid for being in a relationship with the asshole in the first place (- 5 pts.). although the pain will never seem to go away, unlike guys, most girls can still look forward to having another relationship and perhaps mend their broken hearts in time with their newfound love (+ 10 pts.).

TOTAL SCORE: Men = -40 Women = 30

VERDICT: okay, okay...the girls won their 1st round. love sucks anyways...on w/ the next round…

ROUND 4 – THE WORKING WORLD

HIS SIDE

• being a guy means that the sky’s the limit. you can be whatever the hell you want (+ 20 pts.). a politician, police, cobbler, carpenter, plumber, a fireman (you know, I actually wanted to be a fireman until I realized they put out fires instead) and the list of options goes on and on…we now even have men who are professionally skilled in certain fields that were used to be thought as “a women’s-only field of expertise” (e.g. we have only the finest male chefs, home decorators and even metrosexual male hairdressers who are better than their female counterparts). yup, we’re definitely conquering the job market alright.
• at work, it sucks being a man. unlike the girls, we have absolutely no legitimate excuse for fucking up on our jobs (- 10 pts.). other than that, you also have to worry that you don’t somehow end up offending your female co-worker by making a dumb blonde joke (- 10 pts.) even if it’s unintentional. oh well, I guess that makes up for the fact that we at least get paid higher wages than them (+ 20 pts.).
• for men, having a profession is not an option, it’s a must. it doesn’t matter whether you’re married or in a relationship or not, guys have no choice but to find a job (- 10 pts.). being smarter (and devious) than women, it’s always possible for us to remain jobless and milk money from the opposite sex, but unless you want to be condemned by the rest of your male brethren (for being a parasitic wuss who is highly dependent on women), you need to go out there and earn a living for yourself/spouse/family. other than that, once you’ve landed your first job, guys are also expected to leave the house and take care of themselves (- 10 pts.). a man who continues to rely much on his parents after having a career is considered to have no sense of self respect. heck, even my dad told me right to my face that I have to get the hell out of the house once I’ve started working. talk abt tough love eh?

HER SIDE

• job options are still limited for women (- 10 pts.). sure, women today may have a diverse selection of careers compared to back then (we now even have female bus drivers in Bloomington) but they’re still being paid lower wages compared to us (- 10 pts.). and it doesn’t help that most men don’t take women seriously at the office too (- 5 pts.). I guess it’s just that hard for us to behave professionally in front of someone who has melons sticking out in front of her chest...
• screwed up in a job assignment? blame it on PMS! it’s always a valid & acceptable excuse whenever a girl is feeling shitty/moody or just plainly inept at sth (+ 10 pts.). I mean how can a guy possibly argue with it? need extra holidays? get maternal leave (+ 5 pts.). I mean, who’s to know? someone making lewd jokes or winking at you at the office? file a sexual harassment lawsuit and BAM! instant wealth (+ 20 pts.). it’s a foolproof plan. seriously, what are the odds of man actually winning a sexual harassment case? why don’t you go for an extra mile and charge him w/ a rape attempt? more money I’d say. need a career boost? hey, it’s always possible for you to sleep your way up on the corporate ladder, am I not right? (+ 10 pts.). you girls are actually more powerful at the workplace than you realize. perhaps too powerful I should say...
• while women are busy babbling abt achieving their dream careers, little do they realize that getting a job was never mandatory for them to begin with (+ 10 pts.). sure, you can go ahead and chase your childhood ambitions but nobody is forcing you to do so. it’s sth women do on their own free will. if you’re married for instance, it is not an obligation for you to provide for the family. of course there are cases where women are forced to work to help their husbands, but that’s very situational; depending whether your husband could afford to be the family’s sole breadwinner or not. furthermore, as an added benefit, parents don’t usually mind that women are still hanging around the house even when they have a career (+ 10 pts.). I guess they’re pretty much worried abt getting you girls married rather than kick you out of the house for leeching them off, despite already earning a salary of your own and having worked at your company for more than 5 years <--the average time a man needs to get ‘established’ before settling down.

TOTAL SCORE: Men = 0 Women = 40

VERDICT: a second victory for women. it’s obvious here that women have more advantages at the workplace, so why are they bitching abt inequality again? time for a commercial break before we go to the next round…

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ROUND 6 – SEX (since I wanted to make it to 10, I counted the ad as the 5th round)

HIS SIDE

• orgasms are easy to achieve (no kidding). just a couple of thrusts from our “scepter of passion” and we should be done (+ 10 pts.). on the other hand, the pleasure doesn’t last that long because it comes and goes too quickly (- 5 pts.).
• virginity? what’s that? (+ 10 pts.).
• condoms are overrated. a guy can have sex as much as he wants and not worry abt any negative repercussions (+ 10 pts.). sure, we might get forced into a marriage but there are always ways to get around that (heh, heh, heh).

HER SIDE

• moments of ecstasy are hard to attain (- 10 pts.) but at least girls can have multiple orgasms (+ 20 pts.).
• popped your cherry? then you’re a SLUT (- 10 pts.). women have to undergo the misery of either being labeled a skanky tramp that men would love to fondle and have one night stands with, or remain the “pure souls” that most men would prefer to introduce to their mothers. it’s unfair, because being the former means you’ll be craved and yet be looked down upon at the same time, but if you play the little angel role, guys might think you’re way inexperienced, uncool or “not sporting enough”. either way, it’s a no-win situation for you girls.
• a short equation to sum it up: guy + girl → a night of lust & desire = possible pregnancy (- 10 pts.).

TOTAL SCORE: Men = 25 Women = -10

VERDICT: a short, interesting round which signifies the comeback of the guys. will the girls hold out? or will they end up being conclusively proven as the more inferior species? we shall see…

ROUND 7 – MARRIAGE

HIS SIDE

• the common obstacles that guys have to go through to get married:
getting a decent job, a car and a house to show your girlfriend you’re stable enough to be her man (- 5 pts.), making sure the relationship lasts until the wedding altar itself (- 5 pts.), facing and impressing your in-laws (- 10 pts.). sheesh, so much to lose, so little to gain...
• when you’re married, your wife will magically solve all of your laundry, meal and every other household problems (+ 10 pts.). just don’t expect her to fix the lightbulbs, take out the trash or do the handyman’s work at the house any time soon (- 5 pts.).
• generally speaking, men seem to have problems being faithful to their partners even after marriage (- 5 pts.). for the Muslims, we at least get the opportunity to practice polygamy (+ 5 pts.). but then again, one woman w/ her incessant nagging is already troubling enough, so why bother having four? (- 5 pts.).

HER SIDE

• so what do women have to go through to get hitched? almost NOTHING (+ 20 pts.). while men have to bust our asses impressing a lot of ppl and accumulating enough wealth for a hand in marriage, the typical woman today spends her time just lazing around, waiting for her prince charming to sweep her feet away and take her to her newfound palace. at most, she’ll be busy with the wedding ceremony’s plans and thinking which dress she should wear on the big day itself, but nothing too troubling other than that.
• although women are not required to be the family’s provider (at least in most cases), whether they have a profession or not they’re still required to do the housework (- 10 pts.). so unless you know how to cook decent food, wash and iron the clothes and clean the house, you can kiss goodbye to ever seeing a wedding ring from your boyfriends.
• while most would assume that women are more faithful to their spouses since they’re stuck being w/ only one man (unlike Muslim men who can marry up to 4), from a different perspective one can argue that there are cases of women who cheat on their husbands w/ the mailman/milkman/the vacuum salesman etc. etc. (-5 pts.). I guess, being alone at the house and then suddenly greeted by the supposedly macho-looking UPS dude w/ a matching brown shirt and shorts can lead to infidelity. but while men are held solely responsible for adultery, women who cheat on their husbands always seem to have some sort of excuse for their actions (e.g. “you didn’t give me enough love”, “you were never around to care for me” or “I was lonely, and the guy came...he flirted and I couldn’t resist”). no matter what the circumstances may be, the husband is still held accountable for his own wife’s whorish behavior. no, really. it’s true. so go ahead girls, go and cheat on your husbands because you can always make him take the blame (+ 10 pts.). very convenient isn’t it?

TOTAL SCORE: Men = -20 Women = 15

VERDICT: it was a tough battle, but in the end, it was the women who came out top. they seem to gain more benefits from a marriage compared to us. no wonder they’re so enthusiastic abt weddings...

ROUND 8 – COMMUNICATION

HIS SIDE

• talking w/ your mates is easy. unless it’s a well-aimed, sharp criticism intended to actually spark a rage, guys don’t need to bother about hurting a fellow buddy’s feelings during a conversation (+ 5 pts.). you can call him a mofo one minute and still hang out w/ him after that not feeling guilty at all (except maybe if he’s an overly-sensitive crybaby pussy, in which he needs to be kicked in the genitals repeatedly every time he feels offended when you call him sth vulgar). phone conversations are even more convenient because you could easily finish it in 3 minutes or less (+ 5 pts.). guys who engage in pointless chit-chatting w/ their buddies on the phone more than 5 minutes are just gay.
• the male form of verbal communication is very simplistic indeed (+ 5 pts.). “yeah”, “hmmm” or “uhhh…whatever” are universally acceptable responses for almost everything in a conversation. ill intentions to deceive aside, most of the times men speak out their minds as is. no twists, no stupid bullshit deep underlying messages or secret codes that need to be deciphered. everything is straightforward. it’s no wonder why most men make better speakers than women.
• it never fails to amuse me that men are ever impressive in their means of communication w/ members of the opposite sex. although they may deny it, women actually like our corny pick up lines. one would have to admit that we must be pretty amazing to come up w/ a lot of these cheesy/sappy/mawkishly-ridiculous verbal flirtations that girls love to hear. talk abt creativity eh? (+ 10 pts.).

HER SIDE

• women talk too much. not to say that being gabby is wrong, but there are times when one couldn’t help but yell “shut the hell up bitch!” to demand some peace and quiet from them (- 5 pts.). it’s not like anything women say are important or intelligent anyways. hell, if it weren’t for the bills, I wouldn’t be surprised that they’d hog the phone for days, only stopping for meals and maybe trips to the toilet.
• never take what a woman says as is. it usually has some double meaning that most of us are not entirely aware of. for some reason, women have this penchant for talking things which should not be taken literally. don’t ask me why they have this tendency to mask what they truly feel/are thinking at the moment, but one thing for sure is that whenever you ask your girlfriend “what’s wrong?” and she replies “nothing”, you can bet your ass that something is indeed dead wrong. and yet they have the nerve to accuse us for not being understanding or never listening to what they say. all of these unnecessary twists and sugarcoated talking make women lousy communicators (- 10 pts.).
• women don’t know how to flirt. hell, they can’t even make good jokes (- 5 pts.) the usual female attempts at being romantic/funny are horrible and unfunny. because they never say what they truly feel (at least most of the times), their hints usually confuse men because we can never tell whether they’re interested in us or not. I will admit I’m a very slow person (it took me 3 whole minutes and some shouting for me to realize that the girl standing next to me was actually talking to me) but I bet even the average guy will have a hard time guessing if the girl leaning on your shoulder is trying to be friendly (perhaps a bit “too friendly”) or happens to be just some lazy ass bitch who is sleepy and is ashamed to take a nap at a corner and let her drool soak some parts of the table. as for humor, I have yet to meet a girl who can actually come up w/ sth that actually cracks me up or at least doesn’t suck. in fact, I’m willing to bet my balls (I have two soft toy balls. what were you thinking?) that most jokes that women tell suck so bad, they’re like terrible blowjobs from a transvestite hooker.

TOTAL SCORE: Men = 25 Women = -20

VERDICT: women are imbeciles when it comes to communication. ‘nuff said.

ROUND 9 – MISC. (aka ‘the round with no name cause I’m out of ideas at the moment and I'm too lazy to classify it as anything’)

HIS SIDE

• shopping’s easy for men (+ 5 pts.). a trip to the grocery store never takes more than half an hour. unless absolute necessary (or if the shirt/jeans is just too cool-looking), most men buy clothes rarely. I guess this is because we tend to “recycle” our wardrobe (the typical bachelor wears the same shirt at least twice before washing it), hence the need for something new to wear arises only once in awhile (+ 5 pts.). we also don’t spend time on sth stupid like window shopping (+ 5 pts.). we either go to buy sth, or compare/survey the prices before coming back w/ enough money to buy it. oh, and let’s not forget that most men have good bargaining skills when it comes to buying stuff (this implying that either men are smart consumers or stingy bastards that are not willing to pay an extra 5 bucks than what he bargained for). in my family alone, I’m known as the one with superb haggling techniques only second to my old man (+ 5 pts.).
• the average man knows not the meaning of the word “diet” or the term “healthy eating”. sure, some muscle-bound gym freaks out there are forever calculating the amount of carbs of the food they consume (as if it really matters), but we really don’t have to worry abt trivial things like becoming horizontally-challenged from eating too much. life’s short and you only get one chance, so might as well eat what you can, while you can (+ 5 pts.). then again, with all of that booze drinking, cigarette smoking and the lack of health consciousness compared to women, it’s also no wonder why we have a shorter life span compared to them (- 20 pts.).
• everyone knows that men are better drivers than women (+ 5 pts.). a man on the wheels is someone who is to be feared and respected. then again, most car-related accidents are caused by men too. I guess our own confidence on the road is the very reason we’re like reckless speed demons very eager to go on the highway to hell (- 10 pts.). still, it’s always a plus if you’re a guy and if you happen to have a cool-looking car cause you can always become a chick magnet and attract them like flies drawn to a fresh pile of cow shit (+ 5 pts.).

HER SIDE

• when women go shopping, you can bet your ass it’s gonna take forever for to them to get it done with (- 5 pts.). given the time and opportunity, I bet they’d even scour the whole goddamn shopping mall if needs be. buying clothes is even a chore. the amount of money they have to spend on bras, panties, make up, pajamas, etc. etc. (- 5 pts.) makes me almost want to feel pity for them.
• yeah, yeah...women are more health conscious, hence they live longer than us (+ 20 pts.). at least we don’t have to worry if we’re eating too much chocolate lest we lose that hard-earned coke-bottle figure which took so many years of dieting and exercising to get (- 5 pts.).
• let’s be honest here; female drivers are an embarrassment to the very creation of automobiles (- 5 pts.). I dunno why, but the average woman’s driving skills tremendously suck. perhaps someday we’ll have a “female-friendly” car or sth and things might be different. Ford, Benz, Daimler and the rest must be shaking their heads in disappointment in their graves.

TOTAL SCORE: Men = 5 Women = 0

VERDICT: it was a very close fight, but a win's a win and we were the ones who emerged triumphant. the scores have been tallied and total victory seems imminent for men. but we still have 1 more round to go....

FINAL ROUND: CONTRIBUTION TO MANKIND

HIS SIDE

• All (if not most) of the greatest inventors, scientists (Edison, Eistein etc.) philosophers (Socrates, Descartes, Voltaire etc.), artists (Leonardo, Michaelangelo etc.) and leaders (Washington, Gandhi, Malcolm X etc.) throughout history were men (+ 50 pts.). at the same time, the worst criminals, psychos, murderers, dictators, tyrants (Count Vlad Tepes<--the real-life Dracula, Saddam Hussein, Hitler, Mussolini, Jack the Ripper etc.) of time were men too (- 50 pts.).

HER SIDE

• I gave a lot of thought abt this, so after a long session of debating w/ myself, I finally decided it was women’s ability to give birth. hey, anyone who can make sure the human race continues to exist deserves some credit no? (+ 50 pts.).

TOTAL SCORE: Men = 0 Women = 50

FINAL VERDICT: hmmm... lets see....when add up all the scores so far…the clear winner in this fight is...shit...*gasps* it’s the Women w/ a total score of 65 ( higher than Men by 35).......

no wait, this must be a mistake...this can’t be happening…*checks calculation again* ....argghh...oh well, I’ll just add another 100 pts. for men just because I can.... so...

FINAL SCORE: Men = 130 Women = 65

yes, it’s proven without a shadow of a doubt that men are the superior sex!!! wa ha ha ha ha!!!!!! I guess, even if the saying goes that “behind every great man is a great woman”, as far as I’m concerned, the man is still in front and the bitch is still behind, so screw women cause men rules!!! hahahahha….

yes, I know I’m being biased by making a lot of generalized assumptions and I’m well aware that not everything that I mentioned was entirely true, but who gives a shit anyways? anyone who takes another person’s stupid blog entry seriously should definitely get his/her head examined immediately or better yet, go and fornicate w/ a hot iron stick. I’m bored. now go away.

Road Trip

2004-09-01T13:30:00.000-05:00

Friday the 13th. what a dreadful day. no, it didn’t have anything to do w/ Jason Vorhees or Camp Crystal Lake, but it was the day I had my blasted Econs Statistics finals. and as usual, the minute I read some of the multiple choice questions I knew I was screwed. ahhh...to hell w/ it. by noon, I was glad the torture was finally over. the guys and I got ourselves busy packing our stuff and getting ready for the Friday prayers. we were going on a road trip that day. 9 days on the road doing nothing but camp and travel around. it was exactly what I needed. a time to forget abt studying and all of that statistical bullshit which are still causing me nightmares to this day...

it was already close to midnight when we finally finished loading all of our bags and various camping equipment. we were supposed to leave earlier, but apparently there were complications while acquiring our transportations. there were 10 us, with the 4 girls taking a car and 6 of us guys in a van and our first destination was the Colorado Rocky Mountains. it was a 17 hr + drive and we were hoping that we’d arrive there late afternoon. leaving Bloomington, we drove towards Illinois for abt 4 hours, stopping for awhile for a late supper at a gas station (fried rice at 3 am anyone?) before continuing our drive towards Missouri. reaching Kansas around 9 am, we stopped for gas and a short breakfast at McDonald’s. as we resumed our journey through the Sunflower State, I remember Lamp telling us abt how he was swindled at this roadside attraction in Kansas. he said the pamphlet and flyers spoke of “the world’s largest prairie dog” that weighed 8000 lbs, so he actually paid abt 7 or 8 bucks to go inside and see this so-called furry mammal of gigantic proportions. to his dismay, what he found inside was actually a giant stone statue of a prairie dog. talk abt a major let down. if I were him, I’d seriously consider filing a lawsuit for the false advertising.

we arrived at Estes Park later that day sometime around dusk, hours way off from what we had expected. by the time we reached the Rocky Mountain National Park, we found out that all of the camp sites were full and it wasn’t possible for us to camp for the night over there. we decided to try our luck at the various motels and RV sites so we drove around a bit, only to be disappointed because they too were fully booked. it seemed that we had arrived a little too late to find any place to spend for the night. tired and frustrated, we decided to sleep through the night in our van and car while having them parked at the visitor’s center. nevertheless, finding a place for dinner was still a problem because we couldn’t find any place to set up a temporary campfire to cook our food. fortunately, after driving around some more we found a picnic area close to the lake. it was already 10 pm then and since we were too hungry and shivering from the chillingly cold night breeze, we abandoned the idea of barbecuing the marinated chicken we brought and opted to fry ‘em instead so we could have our dinner earlier. after that, we immediately headed towards the visitor’s center to call it day...

we woke up quite early the next day, around 7 am. my back was somewhat sore after sleeping in a really cramped position in the van. to my surprise, I found out that Jimmy and Lamp had spent the night outside in their sleeping bags because they couldn’t stand the “unintentional” farts coming from Ajeep and myself while we were sleeping (heh heh heh). Jimmy even told us at one point that night, he actually dreamt a bear was trying to grab him from outside the van when in fact it was actually Bepa who was trying to get out to go for a leak. it was a slightly cold morning that day. still pissed abt having to sleep uncomfortably last night, I lighted up a cigarette a started puffing to calm myself w/ the relaxing taste of burnt tobacco......okay, okay I lied abt that last part. anyway, after freshening ourselves up at the restroom, we decided to head towards the National Park to find a picnic area to cook breakfast. although we originally wanted to go to Bear Lake for our morning meal but since there was a heavy road construction going on at that time, we had to go Sprague Lake instead.

meet the sinister six; from left to right: pitek, jimmy, ajeep, lamp, bepa and myself

later when we were done, we decided to drive all the way towards Grand Lake which was located abt 4 hrs (more or less) from the park’s entrance. along the way, we snapped some pictures of the many beautiful views and even got the opportunity to watch some of the mountain forest’s denizens that were popping up every now and then by the roadside (most of the time we only saw elks and deers but there was this one time when we did catch a glimpse of a grayish-brown coyote climbing up the grassy hills nearby). we arrived at our destination sometime late afternoon. while the guys and I took out our rods (not that kind of “rod” you sick bastard) to do some fishing, the girls were busy doing all of the kitchen work to prepare our lunch (just as God had intended. ha, ha). it was disappointing that we didn’t get any fish but we did manage to enjoy relaxing ourselves under the shade of the trees after basking under the sun all day long taking photos and walking around. though we initially planned to spend another night over there, Pitek suggested that we leave that evening and head towards Wyoming so that we could arrive at Grand Teton early in the morning and avoid any more trouble of not getting a camp site.

the journey that night was very long indeed. the pitch black skies seemed to go on for an eternity, with the occasional stars sparking brightly to lighten up the mood. but the hardest challenge was driving through the plains of the Cowboy State. there were deers and pronghorns everywhere along the side of the road!!! they just stood there, poking their heads very close to us, some lazily grazing the grass and others playfully prancing abt, with their eyes forever blinking at the headlights of the only two vehicles on the road that morning. it was déjà vu all over again for Ajeep who instantly remembered the nightmare he endured a few years ago when a stag suddenly appeared on the road and crashed into the car he rented. needless to say, we had no choice but to drive slowly and carefully to avoid any attempts by the wildlife to decorate our van and car with antlers. one hare was not so fortunate as it was instantly squashed by the van while trying to cross the road. there were two others too but Pitek said he managed to avoid them (or so he claims).

like a predator stalking its prey, ajeep stares at the horned bastards viciously, waiting for a chance to exact revenge for what had happened to him

reaching Grand Teton on Monday morning, we quickly began unpacking our stuff and setting up the tent and then I helped the girls prepare breakfast. during our meal, we noticed there were signs everywhere that warned us abt the dangers of bears which are easily attracted to food odors. not wanting to invite Teddy Ruxpin to come over foraging for a snack at our place, we were forced to pack all of our cooking utensils inside the van. leaving the campsite, we went for a much needed hot shower at Colter Bay Village (cost us a freakin’ 3.50 per person) before going out to do some sight seeing. the guys and I were dying to find a decent spot to do some fishing, so after touring around we decided to head towards the Jackson Lake Reservoir which was not that far from our camping grounds. after lunch at nearby picnic area, we wasted no time getting our fishing equipment ready and immediately headed towards the river. unfortunately, the torrential waters coming from the dam were rushing rapidly, making the river’s current way too fast and drifting our lines far from our casting positions. it took me several tries, but after a while my line suddenly snagged something. at first I thought that maybe my hook got stuck under some rocks or algae but that was not the case. it felt like a yanking, a sure sign of struggle. this was it!! reeling the line slowly, I paused several times to tire the little critter and then when it came close enough, I finally jerked the line and caught it w/ my hands. holy shit-hole!! it was a trout!!! a freakin’ trout goddamnit!!!! woohoo!! yeah baby!! prolly the best catch in my entire life!!

now that's what I call catch of the day!!

by the end of the day, we already had 6 fishes (1 caught by Pitek, which was a large “dog fish”, 1 by Hana, 2 by Ajeep and 2 by me, with the other one being a white mountain fish) and if it weren’t for the fact that it had started to rain, we might’ve continued casting our lines. we returned to our campsite and started a campfire to prepare our dinner. coating the fish w/ black pepper + lemon, we grilled all of them that night and had an incredible feast. I swear the trout somehow tasted like chicken sausage!! anyway, later after that, we got out some marshmallows and started roasting them while sharing some stories. while the girls then went to their tents to call it a night, the guys and I decided to play a game of Black Jack until we could no longer keep our eyelids open…

the next day, we woke up early, had breakfast and started to pack all our stuff to get ready for our next destination: the famous Yellowstone National Park. upon leaving the entrance of the camping grounds, we suddenly noticed there was a small crowd gathering near some bushes not far from where we had camped. curious (and just like any other M’sian) we stopped by the roadside to see what was going on. holy crap!! it was a bear!! albeit a small one that is, but a bear nonetheless. standing/sitting (or whatever position it was in) abt 15 meters or so in the bushes, apparently it was just minding its own business, probably looking for breakfast or a place to shit when more and more ppl started appearing and began gawking and taking pictures of it. pissed off w/ the appearance of the crowd (or maybe it was just camera shy) the fuzzy freak of nature quickly left the area, much to our disappointment (click here to watch a pic of the bear).

the journey to Yellowstone wasn’t that long. we managed to arrive at the Grant Campground around noon and later, when we were done setting up our tents and having lunch, we decided to head directly towards the park’s main attraction: Old Faithful. upon arrival, the geyser was already spewing streams of hot water, somewhat in a similar fashion to a whale spurting through its blowhole. it was magnificent. definitely an inspiration for all married or sexually active men. by the time Pitek got ready w/ the camera, it was all over and we had no choice but to wait for abt an hour and a half for the next eruption. in the mean time, we thought we’d pass some time by going to some of the shops available and the famous Old Faithful Inn. we also walked around a bit to see the other geysers/springs/holes with bubbly hot water dotted around in the area. as the time for the next eruption got nearer and nearer, the skies grew darker and thunder could heard, signaling the coming of rain. we were a bit dismayed but decided to hang out w/ the huge crowd anyways to wait for the damned geezer...I mean geyser. a little rain shouldn’t be much of a problem right? turns out it wasn’t just any rain. it was hail!!! shit!!! everyone started to panic when they realized that chunks of ice were falling down on them instead of raindrops and in a few minutes, the whole crowd cleared the area to find some shelter. great, just great... with everybody now gathered at the visitor’s center which was in front of the geyser, it was even harder for me to see the eruption. irritated, I left the porch and went inside to find some food. as I got out my wallet to pay for my frozen raspberry yogurt, that’s when it happened. it was Old Faithful and the streams of hot water that were seen from afar earlier were gushing out again. since everyone was watching it outside, I had no problem watching through the glass window next to the counter and I had to admit, it was beautiful. hell, if that thing was a guy, I bet he was having an incredible orgasm at that very moment. after Old Faithful, we got around to see several other hot springs before heading back to the campsite to call it a day...

we started off Wednesday early, with the intention of visiting almost every major attraction the park has got to offer. we spent the entire day taking lotsa pics of the many waterfalls around the park. we even stopped by near a roadside ridge for a breathtaking view of the Grand Canyon of Yellowstone which was awesome. more springs and puddles of boiling were seen and by then, we were already getting sick of the “rotten egg smell” of the sulphuric gases (they smell like a continuous stream of farts). we even got to see a bison herd on some grassy plains not far from the road. as evening approached, I suggested to the guys that we head towards the Tower-Roosevelt Area because the cashier at Old Faithful yesterday told me that around 7 pm, bears can be seen looking for berries at that time. if we were lucky, we might even get to see wolves on the prowl too. we stopped by at the Petrified Tree along the way, which turned out to be nothing a but a really large tree stump that was covered in volcanic ash a millennia ago. reaching our destination around 7.15 pm, I was utterly disappointed because it was not exactly what I had expected. I was hoping for a tower or some kind of spot to easily view the animals but turns out you actually have to look for the animals yourselves and if, and only if you were lucky enough, only then you’d get to see them. man...I sure felt like shooting that cashier in the face at point blank range. we asked the locals for any tips on how to find bears or the wolves but they told us it was kinda late already and even if we did manage to spot one, it’d be too dark to see it. we left and headed straight back to our campsite, obviously disappointed (at least I was). the journey was quite long since the Tower-Roosevelt Area was quite far from the Grant Campground. suddenly, just as Pitek was abt to turn the van around a corner, we saw a car right in the middle of the road. hitting the brakes, we stopped by to see what was going on. holy incompatibility!! it was bear!! a black bear cub in fact!!! just less than 10 meters from us!! it looked like a walking version of a teddy bear. staring us w/ its innocent eyes for awhile, it then tried to climb a steep granite hill to escape, prolly scared by the appearance of our group. unfortunately, either it was too fat or it didn’t have the skills, it clumsily rolled back to the ground. sitting there like a baby, it turned its head and looked at us again, still w/ those puppy-eyes and confused expression, not understanding what was going on. a woman from the car in front of us then got closer and took a snapshot of the tiny bear and the flash immediately startled it. oh crap. we scared the shit out of little teddy. fortunately, mama bear was not around to maul us for screwing around w/ her cub. after it ran away to some bushes nearby (prolly to complain to its parents abt us and how a girl w/ golden hair was sleeping in their beds and ate their porridges and broke their chairs) we resumed our journey back to the campsite…

the little baby bear trying to run away from us

the next day, we decided to visit the Mud Volcano and perhaps find a nice picnic spot for lunch before leaving Yellowstone and Wyoming altogether and head east, towards South Dakota. along the way, we passed through Hayden Valley which is known as the best place to view the park’s many bison herds. and make no mistake, the lazy-ass brown buggers were everywhere, literally!! the road traffic was really slow because the herds were moving across the road back and forth every now and then. by the time we reached the park’s exit, we still couldn’t find a suitable picnic area and the skies have already grown dark, indicating another rain. as we left Yellowstone, I noticed a signboard across the road w/ the huge letters: DO NOT FEED OR MOLEST THE ANIMALS. now I don’t know abt you, but something abt that last part of the signboard really bothered me. still hungry, we drove for a few hours to find the closest town for a place to have dinner. we reached Cody abt 6 pm and decided to have our much needed meal at this Chinese buffet restaurant. once we were done stuffing ourselves to full, we went to Wal-Mart to stock up on some supplies. that was when the most horrible thing that occurred throughout the whole trip happened. someone had farted and it wasn’t me. I had a mild flu then, so my nose was kinda blocked but I could still smell a faint smell that was somewhat stinging my nostrils. the van had only two windows that could be opened, so the rest of us in the middle and the back were really screwed. the climax was when Jimmy couldn’t take it any longer and actually puked 3 times in a row (a good thing he was able to get out of the van in time). all of that food eaten half an hour earlier came out. God, it was a depressing sight alright, but we sure had a good laugh abt it (esp the culprit, who is still joking abt it to this day).

we stopped by at Denny’s for breakfast in South Dakota at 5 am. the plan was to go to Mt. Rushmore which was a few hours drive later that morning. we reached at the mountain w/ four faces around 9 am and at first, I was kinda surprised that the thing didn’t seem that big from afar. we took some pictures and then toured the museums and information centers, and after abt 2 hrs, we were already bored so we decided to go to the nearby town of Keystone for awhile. while shopping around, we found out abt the annual Sturgis Rally that was held recently, which prolly explained the many bikers that can be seen wandering everywhere and the biker t-shirts sold at some of the shops. satisfied looking around for abt an hour, we decided to leave and head towards our next destination; the Badlands. located in the southwestern part of South Dakota, “the Badlands consists of 244,000 acres of sharply eroded buttes, pinnacles and spires blended with the largest, protected mixed grass prairie in the United States”(quoted from the official site). in other words, it’s like a desert except there are rocks and clay instead of sand.

the place itself wasn’t as bad as we had imagined. sure, it’s incredibly dry and the chilling winds seem unforgiving even during the day, but I’ve been in worse places/conditions. after setting up our camp and having lunch, while some of the guys opted to just sleep for the rest of the day, we decided to go to the fossil-trail exhibit which was a few miles from our campsite. all I cay say abt the exhibit is that it was nothing but a sham. the brochure showed us a pic of a neat-looking fossil of a turtle shell and spoke of a wide variety of displays available (one of them being the skeleton of an ancient boar), but when we got there, we only found cases containing “replicas of the fossils” that were even barely recognizable. pissed off, we headed farther towards another known attraction, the Prairie Dog Town. it was a considerably long drive but at least it was kinda worth it. the prairie dogs could be seen everywhere, popping up from their holes, with the occasional “yip! yip!” every now and then and darting from one hole to another. one particular rodent was happy enough to pose several pics w/ us (maybe it was just being lazy and couldn’t be bothered to go inside one of the tunnels to escape from us) until Hana inadvertently scared it away. as evening approached, we thought we’d better leave the area immediately to avoid any unwanted contact w/ the prairie rattlesnakes that are known to hunt for food during those hours. arriving at the campsite, we cooked dinner and played another game of cards before calling it a night...

how fitting...a badass in blue in the badlands...

it was Saturday and it was the last day of our road trip. we left the Badlands sometime in the afternoon and headed straight towards our last stop at Sioux Falls. we arrived around 4 pm, tired and hungry from all of that driving. it was kinda weird, because we were in the middle of a big town and we were actually looking for a waterfall. while having lunch, Pitek asked some of the locals abt directions, and soon after that, we arrived at what appears to be the city’s park. still confused, I asked some ppl near the parking lot and there was this guy who confirmed us that the waterfall was actually in the middle of the park. hmmm...somehow I knew sth didn’t seem quite right there...anyway, we got out and went to see it for ourselves and there it was. the biggest disappointment of our entire trip. it was a waterfall alright, but the waters were brown and murky and the whole river reeked of waste and garbage. it was like being put in a headlock under the sweaty armpit of a buffalo that had just rolled itself in pig’s shit recently. apparently, many years ago the river had been used as a hydroelectric plant and granary, and it was only when the locals realized they had turned the whole stream into a flowing sewage site did they decide to make it a park and preserve what remains of the once prolly beautiful river. still, we took some pics and went to the visitor’s center for awhile before heading back to the car and van and finally go home.

we arrived Bloomington around 9 am, obviously exhausted from all of that traveling. 9 days, 3 states, 4 national parks, 1 national monument and 1 waterfall within a park. not bad eh?? sure we had to face some problems, braving against the ever-raining forests, the cold hail at Old Faithful, the strong winds of the Badlands and the dangers of colliding w/ wildlife in Wyoming, and even though there were several disappointments (the smelly Sioux Falls waterfall, the Tower-Roosevelt area and the Petrified Tree) but it was a great trip nonetheless. in fact, the guys and I were so excited abt the journey we had, we decided that maybe we’d go to Arizona, all the way through Vegas, California, Seattle and then maybe a flight to Alaska to do some ice fishing next summer. yep, it was a memorable trip for us alright. a memorable summer indeed…

School Daze

2004-08-11T01:35:00.000-05:00

Nearly three months have passed since the academic year 2003-04 ended. the flowers have bloomed, lush colorful trees have come to abundance, the sun shining ever brightly, and the mighty summer hurricanes and raging thunderstorms constantly making their presence known...it is only a matter of time now before the leaves turn red & brown, the autumn breeze starts blowing and the Fall semester begins...

although school was officially over in mid-May, I’ve been taking classes all this while, hoping to perhaps boost my grades and do sth worthwhile to avoid total boredom during this entire season of heat. apart from the many online Yu-gi-oh! games with the fellas and that one time indoor rock climbing session a few weeks back (it was awesome but then I suddenly remembered why I never really liked high places and I only realized this when I was on top), my life these days pretty much revolves around attending my daily statistics class at 10.30. more than a month and a half went by since the second summer session began and now I dreadfully look forward to only less than a week of the damned stats class and that bastard Korean instructor of mine and his near-to-impossible-to-solve-exam-problems. after that, it’ll be abt 2 weeks before school reopens, but thoughts of classes & studying will have to wait as the guys and I have already made plans for our highly-anticipated 9-day road/camping trip during our well-deserved short break.

speaking abt school and classes, I was informed by an old friend that my high school batch held a reunion of sorts more than a week ago. gosh, I suddenly realize that it’s been 4 years since I left SDAR. I was never good at bidding farewells or saying good bye because I always thought sappy displays of emotion like hugging and tears were unnecessary (and in fact shameful) for men when parting. so under the morning light of December 2000, I left the school without telling anyone else, leaving my status as a student and every single aspect of my high school life behind, with only the many memories of the place I always thought of as my home with me. though I did meet some of my closer buddies before coming here, I never quite managed to properly bid farewell to most of the guys, so in some ways I have a sense of guilt forever plaguing my mind abt leaving them like that. and even when the SPM results came out, I wasn’t able to go to Seremban and meet everyone else because I had a goddamn driving test. well, I guess I’ll just have to look forward to the next reunion then...

yeah, I’ve had so many joyful and bitter memories in SDAR. I still remember that not many thought I’d survive in a boarding school. I was a spoiled-brat as a child, a “mama’s boy”…I guess those who doubted me had reasons for coming up w/ such assumptions after all. still, life in that sick, poor-excuse-for-an-academic-institution definitely changed me a lot. if it hadn’t been for that “toughening up session” by my senior back in Form 1, I would’ve prolly never gotten rid of my wussy image. before SDAR, I always knew that ppl perceived me as a “weakling”. hell, I thought I was weak. some of my close pals even truthfully admitted that they never thought I’d make it through. but I did. I beat the odds. I proved all of them wrong alright. SDAR may be a school with its own shortcomings but it was MY school. it was my home. it truly gave me a new life.

back in high school, I was your simple average Joe. I was no straight A student. I’m no nerd. I was no bookworm. I didn’t have any trouble w/ the seniors or the school officials. in fact, in my entire 5 years at that school, I was only caned twice for wearing dark blue socks instead of black (yes, you read that right. I was caned for not wearing socks of the right color. can you imagine that?) and for not attending a sports event that I was supposed to take part in (I was sleeping and no one bothered to wake me up. to this day I still believe that caning was unjustified). there were other times when I was caught doing sth clearly against school regulations (like going out on Sundays w/ your parents without asking permission. I know its dumb but rules are rules) but my mastery in the skill of telling half-truths have always spared my ass from the devilish rod of the school wardens. at most, I’d make fun or mock some of the teachers but I usually end it jokingly with a light note to avoid any real hard feelings (once, I told a classmate that if we fail in our studies in college, we could always end up as a high school teacher, and I did this in front of my own class teacher who immediately gave me a piercing glare. heh heh). in short, you could say I was nothing but a simpleton who minded his own business.

I’ve always been in the “problem class” in my 5 years at the school. we weren’t really troublemakers, we just loved doing pranks and making fun of the teachers. once, I remember plotting w/ the guys to put itching powder on our English teacher back in Form One just because she was pissing us off by giving a huge amount of workload compared to the other English classes. there was this one other time when I was caught not doing the homework given during the holidays, and she (my English teacher in Form One) got angry and told everyone who didn’t finish the homework to stand up in class. to my surprise (and delight), the whole class stood up, somewhat supporting/ backing me up. it was obvious she couldn’t scold every one of us, so she had no choice but to go through the homework exercises in class. we really didn’t like her and we were grateful that by the time we got to Form Two, another English teacher (a really nice but perverted Chinese fella) was assigned to our class.

my classmates during my final two years were the greatest bunch of nutcases I’ve ever been with. some of the guys were like constantly ridiculing the teachers every single minute (not that I approve of it but it was sure funny as hell). there was this talented classmate of mine, who actually wrote a semi-erotic essay for our BM exercise in class. our BM teacher, Pn. Karimah (who also happens to be our class teacher in those final 2 years) was seriously upset because it wasn’t exactly the kind of material she was expecting from her students. it’s even worse that the guys were always ogling at her daughter every time she comes for a visit. even though she can be annoying at times, Pn. Karimah was like a mother to us. I guess she must’ve been really proud that I was one of her very own students who actually made it to overseas. sadly, I was told she passed away due to some chronic illness last year…

actually, during my early years I was considered a “misfit” by the guys. I’m not the one who would easily conform to some of the stupid traditions or “ideologies” in the school and I’ve also been known to usually incite verbal arguments and quarrels (I guess this was the very trait that eventually got me into debating back then) which didn’t sit too well w/ the fellas. but over the years, I gradually earned their respect (or at least some of it) and many bonds of friendship w/ some of the unlikeliest ppl were formed. there’s a psycho who once put me in the Crossface submission hold back during SPM week and is now living his dream of traveling around the world on a ship (yes, I’m talking abt you Sard), a comic fanatic who can draw the most neat-looking pigs but also happens to be a former member of the religious committee who was once caught w/ a disk containing pornography (heh heh heh, you know who you are), a chubby, jolly dude who gave off the loudest fart I’ve ever heard in a mosque during a black out, an outcast with the thickest lips and many more. yup, these guys were some of my greatest friends indeed...

I remembered this one time when it was at the end of the month, and it was in the middle of the night and we were starving to death. the dining hall was already long closed and none of us had any money to go out to buy food. desperate for a bite in the wee hours of the cold morning, we poured some hot water into a pail we found (it was clean...well sorta) and cooked whatever remaining packets of Maggi we could find. after waiting for abt 3 minutes, we couldn’t wait for the thing to cool off any longer so we just dug into the hot piping noodles with our bare hands and scarfed whatever we could get to satisfy frenzied crave. we were men, we were goddamn hungry and we couldn’t care less the fact that we were eating instant noodles that was cooked inside a pail. trust me, when you’re that desperate for food, lack of hygiene is probably the last thing on your mind in that very situation. that’s definitely sth you most probably won’t experience unless you’re a guy and you’re studying in a residential school.

come to think of it, food was actually not much of a problem back then. sure, we had our share of maggot-infested burgers from the canteen, “lemon-flavored” tea (no thanks to the Axion dishwashing soap) and “iron-enriched” vegetables (I know they’re supposed to provide us w/ a balanced diet, but I sure as hell didn’t expect to find iron in the form of a screw in my veggies) but before the govt. decided to truly bastardize our meals by having our dining halls privatized by some schmuck, SDAR was definitely the school w/ the best menu I’ve ever seen!!! and I’m not exaggerating either!! ask any SDARian who studied there between 1996-97. get this… we had like 5 meals a day (breakfast, recess, lunch, dinner and supper), we pay like RM1.00 a day and what do we get? for recess, on Mondays we get mini-curry puffs, on Tuesdays we get hot dogs and baked beans, it’s cream-stuffed buns & Dutch Lady UHT boxed milk on Wednesdays, chicken burger (yep, free chicken burger served at the dining hall!!) on Thursdays and fried green bean cakes on Fridays. I can’t remember well abt other meals but I do remember having roti canai & fried rice for breakfast (like any other residential school), mee kari, chapatti and roti jala for supper, and the usual chicken rice for lunch on Fridays and not to mention the complementary ice cream cup on Thursday evenings. and we were getting all of these every single week throughout the academic year!! shit, by today’s standards even I can’t afford to eat all of those stuff every single week on my own allowance!!!

on a related note, personally I’ve always thought that my batch has got to be the most barbaric, uncivilized group of ppl I’ve ever met when it comes to eating. in my 5 years in that school, except for the time when we were Form 5, my batch held a record for devastating the doors to dining hall every single freakin’ year. I know that we had great food being served (well, at least for the first two years) but damn...it’s always a huge stampede when the bell rings, and yes...there have been many instances where some poor bastard gets crushed under the rushing mob. once, I had the unfortunate experience of coming late for the weekly Friday prayers and therefore I had to sit at a spot next to the door. as soon as the prayers were over, I couldn’t even get up and reach out to the wide open door because in a split second, I was immediately squashed by more than a 100 or so ppl running towards the dining hall. it all happened just too fast. 2 minutes later, I was still inside the mosque, my face flat on the floor and my back aching like hell from the massive trampling. and I thought things like this only happen in cartoons.

there were other things that happened back at the school which still haunt me to this day. one particular thing which still bugged me is the issue of homosexuality, especially in an all-boys school like SDAR. ohh...don’t give me that bullshit look on your faces. it’s a damn well-known fact that every (and I mean EVERY single) single-sex school in Malaysia has that very same problem (some of the coeds /religious schools have ‘em too). a contained environment without the presence of members of the opposite sex (except maybe the teachers). yeah, it’s a fucked up life I’d say. I’ve been there for 5 freakin years and I barely managed to survive being uncorrupted by the “gay-ish lifestyle” of almost the entire community of that school. I’m not talking abt an actual anal penetration or some sick shit that only those w/ the most perverted minds would engage in (although there ARE cases like that at the school, but they’re actually rarer than you think), but it really sickens me to see the some of the guys actually sleeping together (cuddling even. quick, get a barf bag), hanging out at the far corner of the corridor under the bright moonlight like some romantic couple and writing love notes and sending gifts of food and stuff to their so-called “beloved ones”. yech. and it saddens me even more that some of these ppl were some of my closest friends.

I’ve argued/debated countless times with the fellas abt their objectionable favorite past-time, only to fall on deaf ears. in fact, some accused of me of being a “rogue” because I was not adhering to the “traditional customs” of the school. the supposed logic behind this highly questionable practice is that we were living in an environment without women, and as young teens w/ raging hormones, ppl must understand it’s only normal that we had no choice but to go for the next best thing: men w/ feminine features. God, I can’t possibly imagine how a guy could possibly get turned on by another guy, even if he looked “cute”. it’s sick man!! I’d rather spend an entire night making out w/ a Category F girl than clash dicks like some sick swordplay w/ a dude. there was this concept of guavanism, a sort of homoerotic relationship between a senior and a his “pet brother” at the school. the “guava” (translated in Malay as ‘jambu’, which actually means someone w/ a baby face or has really cute features) spends most of his time in the company of his “older brother”, walking and doing stuff together, speaking softly to each other under the shrouds of darkness in the middle night... man, I swear it’s like watching a cheesy romantic teen flick every time I see them.

anyway, despite having spent abt half a decade in a closed society which reminded me of ancient Greece (during the days when the philosophers were keen of having relationships w/ young, cute boys), I remained “unscathed” from any form of vile homosexual influences. in fact, I made a bet w/ the guys that I’d never get myself into the “guava business” until SPM week and unsurprisingly, it turned out a success for me and my victory actually cost them a personal pan pizza from Pizza Hut (to those who made a bet that I’d remain single till 28, pray really hard that the same thing won’t happen to you guys). besides, I’ve always thought the idea of having a pet brothers/sisters is pretty much messed up...keeping humans as pets is just inhumane...

yeah, SDAR may have its own major problems, but I wouldn’t even trade for the world for my 5 years of life at that place. and although I always tell myself to just let it go and leave my past of that school behind, I guess some things are just not meant to be forgotten. the school has since been relocated to a new location in Sg. Gadut a few years back, w/ the old campus now turned into a new residential school (Sek. Menengah Sains Seremban if I’m not mistaken). when I think abt it, it’s kinda sad that we won’t ever get the opportunity to see our old school in the next reunion in years to come. to me, SDAR may have changed and the life I went through over there may be over, but the memories will forever be etched onto my mind, like the image of a naked chick seen for the 1st time by a prepubescent male. I guess, just like our school motto... ’Once a SDARian, always a SDARian’....

Proverbial Nonsense

2004-07-16T23:12:00.000-05:00

Have you ever felt irritated/annoyed after hearing or seeing some of those so-called proverbs/sayings which don’t actually apply in real life? I was browsing through the archive section of Maddox’s The Best Page In The Universe when I found an interesting entry abt how he hates some of the common phrases which we hear all the time but don’t make any sense at all (read it here) and I simply couldn’t agree more with him. some of these supposed ‘words of wisdom’ simply tick me off because they often mislead us into believing shitty facts and shield us from the bitter realities of life. here are some of the popular proverbs/sayings/adages that you commonly hear which can only be compared to Bush’s claim abt Iraq’s WMD:

1) “Don’t judge a book by its cover”
-ppl usually say this regarding their first impressions of the things they see or other ppl that they meet. it’s supposed to mean that one should not be fooled by initial perceptions because something (or rather someone) might be nicer/worse than you think. but let’s face it. every single person will certainly judge you upon your first meeting and they almost always will stick to their initial perception/s of your character regardless of what you do. I’m not saying first impressions are bad, in fact I think our earliest thoughts of a person help us build a sense of familiarity and a way to associate ourselves easier with him/her. even in the business world, first impressions are important because they paint us in a good image, thus giving us a sense of credibility and reliability. but at the same time, I also think it’s not right for us to forever judge someone we know based on that very first meeting. someone you first thought as a trustworthy buddy might be a sly, conniving backstabber just biding his time to pounce on you, and some prick you’ve known since high school as a total jerk or an asshole might actually be a romantic, misunderstood fella with horrible social skills. unfortunately, that’s not how the real world works. once you’ve been labeled as something (usually a negative trait), there’s no way changing it. back in Shah Alam, I was widely-known as the socially-inept, egomaniacal chauvinist with a cool ‘tache, a funky beard and a attitude problem. everywhere I went I’d be getting this unprovoked stares and scornful expressions from the girls. to this day, I still find it hard to believe that these were coming from ppl who I don’t even know of, and even more freakin’ unbelievable is that these ppl could hate me so much only after knowing me through the word of the mouth. word of the mouth for God’s sake!!! can you actually believe that? those girls are so fucked up I say. not that I really care, but the bottom line is: ppl are and will always be judgmental so don’t bother changing the way they think of you because it’s completely useless. sure, there are some cases where ppl might have a ‘slightly different’ general idea of your personality over time (translation: if they actually care to really get to know you) but these are rare, so once ppl start thinking of you as a jackass/ asshole/bitch, just learn to live w/ it. as for me, even though I also judge ppl by first impressions, usually I don’t even care they exist because normally I would’ve forgotten their names 6 months after the first meeting anyways(true story, no kidding).

2) “Love is blind/Beauty is in the eye of the beholder”
-these are normally said to give a sense of hope to ppl with no luck at romance. while the former implies that no matter how horrible a person’s appearance may be (translation: ugly), there will always be someone out there who will fall in love w/ you (yeah right), and the latter suggests that each and every individual has a different perspective of what is beautiful, so one should not fret at being unattractive because someone else might think of you as a hot stud/chick. but seriously... let’s be honest here ppl… how many of you can truly claim that physical attributes don’t matter at all? come on… don’t bullshit me. I dare say all of us are shallow-minded in some way or another (I know I am). true, to a certain extent we can say that all of us perceive beauty differently (e.g. some might think Siti Nurhaliza is sth to drool over while others might beg to differ), but you can’t deny that everyone has some sort of general expectation that a handsome/beautiful person must be “physically pleasant to eyes”. the only real difference is the preference of physical trait (e.g. some girls would want their men to be tall, some want ‘em ‘beefy’/muscular or with a straight long nose, and some guys prefer fair-skinned chicks, girls with big boobs, or a nice ass or a slim figure). am I not correct? hell, I’m even willing to bet that 9 out of 10 guys would definitely rather make out with a disfigured warthog than date a hairy, pimple-ridden, loudmouthed hag with thick eyebrows and an over-sized belly. to put it simple, if you suddenly happen to realize that you most definitely belong to a group of ppl which I could only label as “Category F” (that’s F for fugly= fucking + ugly), let’s just say the chances of you getting hooked up are probably right up there w/ England’s Queen Mother getting a nipple ring. by all means, start being more conscious of your own appearance damnit. do a make over or something. a freakin’ plastic surgery if you must. silicone implants, nose jobs or whatever. in a world where only the beautiful survive, those with severe aesthetic deficiencies will always be left in a trail of dust, forever doomed as virgins who could only dream of getting laid. so sad, yet so true...

3) “Honesty is the best policy”
-trust me when I say that most of the times, honesty is not exactly the best policy. I tell girls they look fat all the time and I usually end up being choked or being thrown at w/ something just because I was being truthful. hey, if I’m supposed to be telling the truth, why bother giving the sugar-coated version, am I right? I don’t think it makes any difference even if I called them horizontally-challenged or something similar to that effect. this is not to say that I encourage ppl to lie, but there are some true things that are better left unsaid. personally, I don’t lie and I don’t tell the whole truth either. I just tell ppl ‘half-truths’, and quite frankly, I’m really good at it. this way, anytime ppl ask me questions that might put me in a difficult situation, I could easily provide a ‘desired response’ without them knowing the whole thing. it’s a sure win-win situation for everybody, don’tcha think?

4) “Crime doesn’t pay”
-oh yeah sure. tell it to the money-laundering corporate bastards who almost never seem to be caught.

5) “If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em”
-actually, if you can’t beat ‘em, just arrange to have them beaten.

6) ”You can’t teach an old dog new tricks”
-why bother teaching an old dog new tricks when you can just shoot ‘em and get it over with? dogs suck anyways.

I'm tired and bored at the moment. now go away.

“give a man some fire and warm him for a day; set a man on fire and warm him for a lifetime”

The Day Bloomington Stood Still

2004-07-04T22:30:00.000-05:00

And so they left. now that both Syah & Epul are finally gone, the number of men left in IU is 8. well 9 actually if you count my roommate Ikram but he’s currently relaxing back in Malaysia. there’s Abg.Khidir and his family, but he is expected to leave at the end of the year or next year the latest. there’s also Aziz, a former student staying nearby who visits me from time to time. still... with Ikram absent, my other roommate Yazmy spending most of his time with his gf and just yesterday my gaming partner Epul gone, I’m practically alone now...

most of the girls have gone back home a few weeks ago. there’s Nublie, but he spends most of the time with Yazmeen now, since she moved from Seattle just to be with him early this year. he goes to classes in the morning and then works in the afternoon till close to midnight so it’s kinda hard to hang out with him nowadays. nevertheless, I am appreciative of his efforts to come over to my apartment in the wee hours of the morning just to play a game of Yu-gi-oh! with me. Jimmy went to attend an Islamic Summer Camp in Pennsylvania for the weekend with Mazri (aka Pitek), Hana and Ajeep. as for Bepa...well, he’s been busy taking the I-CORE subjects in the summer but he’s also pretty much in the same situation like myself except that he now has several pussies...err.. I mean kittens, to accompany him. anyway, I never thought Bloomington would feel so quiet...it’s so...empty...

actually, I could’ve joined Jimmy and the others to the summer camp on Friday, but since Epul was leaving the day after, I thought that maybe I’d help him with his stuff before he left. Epul has helped me a lot with my web programming last Spring and he’s also a great gaming partner so I thought I could at least repay the debt by helping him out a bit. we went out to the movies last Wednesday to watch Spiderman 2 and man...it was awesome!!!! Doc Ock has got to be the coolest super villain to ever hit the silver screen. those metallic tentacles kick ass!!! if only I had those tentacles....*imagines a scene from a Japanese hentai flick*...anyhow, since Epul is around no more, I guess I’ll be spending the rest of the summer with no one to talk to. returning from class, walking under the scorching sun only to be greeted by no one at the apartment..., life is sure gonna be boring...

I don’t know why, but it seems that a lot of ppl have gone back home this year. at first, I thought it was only the girls over here, but apparently many of my buddies left the States to go back too. then I thought maybe only those from my batch went home because it’s been like two years since they left the country. I also heard abt MARA-sponsored students having to attend the bloody BTN camp again this year. okay, perhaps those are valid explanations for the “mass migration to Malaysia”, but it turns out a majority of Malaysian students all over the US have gone back for the summer. and just when I thought this was some kind of phenomenon affecting only those studying in the States, apparently almost all of my other friends studying in other countries have gone back as well. what the hell!!?? why did everyone go back?? is it some kind of “Go Back Home” season that I’m unaware of?

many have asked if I’m ever going back to Malaysia for the hols during my 4 year-stay over here. the answer is simply NO. it’s actually a complicated story, but the day I left our beloved homeland, I vowed not to return until I’m done with my studies (well, except for maybe dire emergency cases). I’ll admit that I do miss some people back home and my hometown in Kajang, but the thought of actually returning to my family doesn’t seem too appealing to me. don’t get me wrong, I really love my parents and I do miss them. in fact, I do feel guilty when I made them sad by declaring that I won’t be returning in these four years. worse still, nowadays I only call them once every 2 or 3 months. yeah, call me an ungrateful child or whatever you want, but the real reason why I decided not to go back is because of my siblings back home. it’s not that I really hate them or anything...it’s just that... I truly can’t stand them...technically, it’s not entirely their fault or anyone’s fault for that matter, but over the years, many things have happened between us, and the day I got the offer to study here, I immediately realized that it was my ticket to break myself away from them for awhile.

I guess it all started 9 years ago, when my grandfather from my mother’s side passed away. my mom was very upset because she never actually got to spend the last remaining moments with my grand pappy. around that time, my old man just retired from UKM but since the govt. needed staff for the then-to-be-established UMS (Univ. Malaysia Sabah), he was offered to work under a contract as a dean at the new IPT. consequently, in an effort to perhaps cheer her up, my dad told my mom that they were temporarily moving to Kota Kinabalu, my mom’s hometown, renting a house not far from my grandparents’ place. and so, after they moved to Sabah, life in our family would never be the same. while my youngest sis followed my parents to K.Kinabalu, I was in Seremban, studying, with my bro in Victoria Inst., my eldest sister in KL’s Akademi Seni Kebangsaan and my second elder sister in UPM. during the later half of my high school years, my eldest moved in with my parents to do a degree in music at UMS, my second sis graduated and was working at TGV (don’t ask me how an English major could end up working at a popcorn stand), my bro in UiTM Shah Alam and my youngest sis in MRSM Kuching, Sarawak. in short, we were scattered everywhere.

I guess it’s kinda sad growing up in my teen years, only meeting my parents during long school breaks. my dad does come home once or twice every month to attend meetings in KL and he does make the effort to spend some time with us by taking us out to dinner and maybe lunch, but it feels different when you only get to see your dad for a short while and then having to wait for another month or so to see him again. I remember going back to Kajang in my early high school years only to have nobody at home most of the time. hell, one of the reasons why I’ve managed to sharpen my cooking skills is because back then, I had no choice but to cook for myself as no one was around to do it for me. at the age of 14, I was already managing the house, doing the laundry, gardening and taking care of everything all by myself. yeah, I was alone most of the time. too bored with the absence of everyone at the house, I then decided not to go back at all except for school breaks. ever since, I never had problem with home sickness because the house was just not exactly “home”, you know what I mean?

and then, every once in awhile I do meet up with my other siblings at the house. but perhaps, because our parents were not around, we end up pissing off each other like hell almost all the time. sure, everyone knows sibling fights are only normal, but I bet none of them are horribly as violent as the ones in my house, especially with the absence of a “mediator” like my mom. I have never gotten myself involved in fist-fights before, even in school, but back home...it was worse than the Jerry Springer show. I’ve bled after being thrown a belt buckle on my forehead and smashed on the skull with a ceramic mug, and guess where I got all of those injuries from? heh. in my high school years, there hasn’t been a single time where I got to spend the hols with my siblings without a fight. it was always one day with my brother and the other with one of my elder sisters. school breaks seemed like hell for me. eventually, I grew tired of this and I was always coming up with excuses not to return home. once, in 2000, I even spent almost the entire week of the mid-year semester break at school, alone, just to spend less time back with the others in Kajang.

yeah, I have a pretty messed up life. over the years, the constant quarrels and fights made me even more distant than the others. I became less trustful because I knew, somehow or rather I’d end up arguing with one of them. and like I said, I don’t blame them entirely because some things just happen. despite the years of misery with them, I still respect them as my elders and I also know how much they care for me and how they’re really proud of their younger brother, who managed to achieve many things only they could dream of. but knowing that I would return to a place “not quite home”, and eventually arguing/fighting with them again, I thought maybe I’d take a break for the next few years and not come back. besides, even if I wanted to return, the only one around would be my second elder sister, since she now works at a bank and takes care of the house in Kajang. my bro finally completed his diploma and I have no fucking idea what he’s doing now, my eldest sister is doing an internship in KL and my youngest sis in UiTM Perak if I’m not mistaken. so what’s the use? if I remember correctly, back then, the only time all the 7 of us would be together as a whole family is only during the Hari Raya celebrations and even then, it’s only for a few days, or a week at most, that all of us wouldn’t be apart from one another. my return to Kajang would be no different than the years of staying at an almost empty house and with all of that bloody fights and beatings. so what’s the point?

by the time I’m done here and finally come home, my dad would prolly retire for good and then maybe my parents will move back to our permanent residence in Kajang. still... by then, I expect most of my siblings would have lives of their own and it would be a long time for the whole family to get together again. though I admit that a life constantly separated from your family is hard, after all these years I think I’ve already grown accustomed to it. before my dad started working at UMS, my mom never got many opportunities to see her parents after she got married. we did visit my grandfather a year before his death but that was that. I really felt sorry for her that she never got to be by his side during his final hours. and my dad…he’s always traveling from one place to another, from the frequent trips from Sabah and back again, the countless visits to Indonesia and the many countries he’s been to, all in the name of work. the guy’s a goddamn freakin’ workaholic, he rarely even has time to go back to Malacca to visit my grandma over there. coincidence? maybe it’s just me, but I believe that all of us in my family are somehow or rather leading a life that pretty much mirrors that of my parents.

I guess, in some ways you could say that I am envious of those who can go back to a place they can call “home”. a place where when you arrive, your parents and siblings can greet you. a place of security. a place you could always rely and go to in times of depression. a place where you don’t have to worry abt only meeting the ones you care once or twice a year. for me, I thought Bloomington is now that place. but then, with everyone gone to meet their families or to be with their loved ones, I realize that I don’t really belong here. this is not my home. I too would be leaving IU someday…perhaps another 2 or 3 years… the clock is ticking and the time to bid farewell is not that far away. and no matter how much I’ve grown attached to this wonderful haven I would love to call my “home”, I am again forced to abandon it and continue a life forever wandering... roaming... meandering... a life as nomad, a traveler, a rurouni. I’ve always wondered how my dad could cope up with a life constantly away from his loved ones, a life without a place to stay for a long time... until I finally realized that I myself am becoming more and more like him. maybe this is something that was destined to be...

it’s close to midnight now. it’s the 4th of July. Independence Day. for me, it only means my eldest sis just turned 28. the black rainy sky outside is gleaming with colorful fireworks to indicate the major celebration. the apartment is empty and dark, save for the kitchen and my room. Yazmy is prolly w/ Wan downstairs, Nublie is still working at the food court with Yazmeen and Bepa prolly with the pussies...I mean kittens...all is quiet. I’m alone. it was the day Bloomington stood still.

Stairway to the Destined Duel

2004-06-26T11:55:00.000-05:00

So it was on that fated day, June 18th 2004, that I was to participate in my very first Yu-Gi-Oh! tournament at local game shop down town. it was Friday, and while most of the girls who decided to go back home for the second summer went to the airport, I was busy at the apartment, checking and inspecting every single card in my deck. I knew my Black Occult Deck lacked powerful attacking monsters so I decided to swap several cards for several uber-strong monsters. in the end, I had 42 cards for the deck (you must have a minimum of 40).

after Friday prayers, the guys (Jimmy+Nublie) & I went to a local restaurant to grab a bite. we then decided to have the food at their apartment, but we stopped at my place for awhile to get my cards and other stuff. it was almost to 2.45 pm, and I swear I felt like there were butterflies in my stomach. back at the guys’ pad, I had a quick lunch and then proceeded to challenge Nublie for a short warm-up match (the guys weren’t participating; only myself and Epul, who was on his way back from the airport after sending his missus, participated). after the short match (which I won) it was already close to 3.30 pm and since Nublie had to send a friend of his to work, we decided to head towards the game shop immediately after.

"with nublie before the tournament"

it was 4 pm. the tournament was supposed to start then, but I guess they had to wait for the other duelists/participants to arrive. I had already registered so I was waiting for Epul. I thought only kids would be interested in the game but turns out there were only two of ‘em over there, the rest were adults. shit. I am so getting my ass pwned. I knew that there were several types of decks used in many tournaments and mine isn’t one of them. here’s a rundown of the normal/standard decks that are considered competition-material:

-Beat Down: beat down uses plenty of really strong low-level monsters to knock the opponent’s Life Points (LP). there are many kinds of beat down decks out there but most of them require the basic strategy of dealing heavy damage before the other duelist could retaliate. some of the most common beat down decks are:

1. Rush Beat Down: this deck is extremely fast. the main idea is to get out as many powerful monsters and sap the opponent’s LP. the deck also uses magic cards which enables the player to draw cards from the deck and field clearing magic which either destroy all monsters (like Raigeki and Dark Hole) or the opponent’s trap and magic cards (Heavy Storm or Mystical Space Typhoon). when all threats are cleared, then only the player attacks his opponent. I really hate going against this deck. in fact, there was this one guy at the tournament who used it and his deck is the pits. considered a nightmare to most duelists.

2. Machines: this deck relies heavily on Machine-type monsters as its army for assault. while most Machine monsters aren’t that strong, players of this deck also use the magic card Limiter Removal, which doubles the attack of all Machine-type monsters on the field (but then destroys all of ‘em at the end). very scary indeed. even worse, the bane of all decks, the Jinzo (atk:2400 def:1500) is a monster that belongs to the mechanical category and it has a deadly effect of disabling the activation of trap cards.

3. Fiends: yep, the demonic monsters in Yu-Gi-Oh! have been known to bring a lot of misfortune to most players out there. most fiend monsters have deadly effects and a staple monster in this type of deck is the Dark Necrofear (atk:2200 def:2800, can gain control 1 opponent’s monster if Necrofear is destroyed in battle or destroyed by the effect of a monster, magic or trap card). while some ppl may consider my deck a Fiend Beat Down type, I’d rather classify it as something else because unlike most fiend decks, I have other agendas of my own….

4. Magicians: another powerful beat down deck since it uses many powerful spellcasters with various effects to squash the opponent. common cards in the deck include the Dark Magician (Atk: 2500 def:2100), Dark Magician Girl (Atk: 2000 def: 1700), Skilled Dark Magician (atk:1900 def: 1700) and the Dark Magician of Chaos (atk:2800 def:2600).

5. Warriors: same like Magicians, but it uses warriors which have stronger monsters, but not so many useful effects.

6. Dragons: most decks containing the gigantic lizard-like behemoths are slower than the common beat down decks since most dragons are high level monsters which require you to sacrifice one of your own monster on the field to summon them. still, when they’re out, dragons are known for dishing out incredibly high damage with a single blow.

7. Water: while the water monsters may not be as strong as most beat down decks, the effects of the sea minions are annoying as hell. it’s one of the easiest beat down decks to master and when played properly, it’s undoubtedly a devastating deck.

-Chaos: with the release of the Invasion of Chaos booster early this year, chaos decks have been known to run rampant in tournaments. chaos monsters usually require the player the remove certain types of monsters in his Graveyard from play to summon them. while it may appear that he is bringing trouble unto himself by not having powerful monsters to be revived from the Graveyard, the effects of the chaos monsters themselves are deadly as hell. one of the biggest, cheesiest monster in the game is actually used commonly in this deck, the Chaos Emperor Dragon (atk: 3000 def: 2500, remove 1 Dark and 1 Light type monsters in your Graveyard from play to special summon it). by paying a measly 1000 of your own Life Points, his fucking, bastardized effect is triggered: destroy ALL cards in the field and in the hands of both players and send them to the Graveyard. for each card sent to the Graveyard, deal 300 damage to the opponent’s Life Points. and yes, when it says ALL, it means even the cards you possess. imagine if both player had 10 cards on the field and each had 5 in hands. that’s like 20 cards x 300: a whopping 6000 damage to your opponent (and in each duel you only start with 8000 LP). I know, it’s a bloody overpowered and shitty effect. I swear you’d definitely feel like ripping your hair out if you’ve been nuked by the CED’s effect.

-Burner: burner decks rely on the effects of monsters, magic and trap cards to reduce the opponent’s life points. there are basically 2 kinds of burner decks, one which goes all offensive (decreasing the opponent’s Life Points as quickly as possible using instant spells) and defensive, similar to Epul’s deck in which the player tries to protect himself with various cards while slowly burning the opponent’s Life Points. this deck can be really evil and I’ll tell you why later...

-Discard: this is another fucking shitty deck. the main strategy is to use monster, magic and trap effects which force the opponent to discard the cards from either his hand or his deck, thereby screwing up most of his strategy and leaving him with less options of cards to use. another super-cheesy monster that can be comboed with this deck is the Yata-Garasu (atk:200 def:100). since it’s a spirit monster, Yata returns to the owner’s hand at the end of the turn it’s summoned. the demonic raven’s effect? if it deals damage to the opponent’s Life Points, the opponent CANNOT draw a card at the start of his next turn. you see where this is going? imagine having your cards discarded to the Graveyard even before you get to play ‘em and then the opponent rids your field of monsters and traps + magic and then calls the fucking black bird. the 200 damage is nothing to be scoffed at especially when you can’t draw a card at the start of your next turn. expert duelists call it the “Yata-lock”, and right now in Japan (where Yu-gi-oh! originated) the card has been banned altogether for its ridiculously overpowered effect.

-Exodia: the basic premise behind Exodia decks is simple: collect the 5 parts of Exodia the Forbidden One in your hand and you win. just like that. now getting those 5 parts may be a bit of trouble since only one copy of each part is allowed per deck, and the parts themselves are really weak monsters (atk and def lower than 500 for the arms and legs and 1000 for the main body). so it’s all about drawing the Exodia parts as fast as possible. while most players prefer to play defensive Exodia decks, collecting the parts while they use magic and trap cards which draw more cards and stall your opponent’s attacks, there have been instances where some players take risks to go offensive while collecting the Exodia parts. the biggest problem is when facing against Discard decks which could send those prized Exodia pieces into the Graveyard. still, with the new Dark Crisis booster released early this year, there’s a new supplement card for Exodia decks: Exodia Necross (atk:1800 def:0), an undead, full-bodied version of Exodia which can only be summoned when you have all 5 Exodia pieces in the Graveyard and then you play the magic card Contract with Exodia. although weak in terms of stats, Necross can’t be destroyed in a battle (in other words other monsters can’t kill him, although the damage is still received) and it is also not destroyed by magic and trap effects. and for each of the player’s own turn, it gains a permanent increase of 500 attack points (nice eh?).

while those may be the primary decks used by many duelists in the game, there are several decks which use fairly bizarre/strange tactics and some of them are just downright cheap. you can say my deck can be categorized under this classification and the reason is simple: I use the Destiny Board (it’s actually an ouija board which has many letters. it creates a 5-letter “spirit message” which originally spells D-E-A-T-H in Japan, but due to idiotic censorship it becomes F-I-N-A-L in the US version instead). while most beat down fiend decks focuses on getting their stronger fiends for an assault, I try to bide time with stalling tactics until I pull out the deadly trap card. upon activation, the Destiny Board will produce its spirit letters and the opponent is then left with 4 turns to deal with it or it’s game over. while most ppl say the Destiny Board is by far harder to pull off a win compared to Exodia, in the right hands of certain duelists (like myself), it is fucking shitty strategy that could frustrate any person.

anyway back to the tournament. I was nervous as hell as I looked at every other duelists in the game room. I saw some of them play practice duels before the tournament and I noticed most of the decks used are the aforementioned standard decks (plenty of beat downs everywhere). crap. I’m definitely abt to get my ass kicked. at my very first tournament ever. Jimmy and Nublie tried to persuade me into practice dueling with some of the players that have arrived but I chickened out. shit man, I don’t wanna lose just yet! even if it’s a practice game!! I was sure that most of them could crush my deck easily and I was obviously in despair. and then I realized it, it was that same feeling that I haven’t felt for so many years since I quit debating. it was fear. yep, I was scared to death because I thought that I was still not prepared. I walked around the area in circles trying to calm myself and despite the efforts of Nublie and Jimmy to calm me down, my heart was still pounding fast and beads of sweat were already starting to pour from my forehead. I couldn’t remember how many times I went to the toilet to relieve myself but I knew that I’m just abt to embarrass myself with a pathetic deck.

it was then close to 4.30 pm and almost all of the duelists have arrived. suddenly, the head judge, a black dude named Shanti approached me and asked for my deck. I gave it to him and he browsed through my cards and then smiled. what the hell? he then asked me to approach the center desk where he put his albums containing his massive collection of yu-gi-oh cards. then he took one card and gave it to me. it was Goblin King (atk:0 def:0) which can’t be attacked when there are other fiend monsters on the field and has an attack and defense points depending on the number of fiend monsters in the field (excluding itself). wow, not a bad card at all! I was puzzled and asked him if I needed to pay him or anything for the card but he just smiled and told me to take it. a free card!! must be my lucky day!!!

just a few minutes before the whole thing started, Epul luckily arrived and managed to register in time. and so both of us took deep breaths as we waited for the announcement of our opponents. there were 18 duelists, hence 9 matches. each match comprises of 3 duels and so it was all abt the best of 3. I took my deck and sighed as I then started my way to the table where my opponent, some old guy named Joe was waiting for me. Epul was a bit unlucky because he had to face this really good duelist wearing a green shirt who uses a beat down machine deck. anyhow I turned to face my opponent and gave him my full attention. I told him this was my first tournament so I told him to help me out if I made a mistake. unfortunately it was his first too, so we were kinda evenly matched. I shuffled his deck which was way too big (any good duelist will try to keep it close to a minimum of 40) and he shuffled mine. after drawing 5 cards, I flipped a coin to decide who goes first, he called it right and he chose to make the first move. beginning his turn, he drew his first card and we then we started the duel…

it was shit. I didn’t get the cards I needed but I managed to summon some really strong monsters. I was trying to figure out what kind of strategy he was using and it seemed strange that his deck was using various kinds of monsters and magic cards which had no specific theme. abt a few turns since we began, I managed to use Fiber Jar (atk:500 def:500) which has a flip effect that combines all cards on the field, in hands, the Graveyards and our respective decks, completely resetting the game. both players then draw 5 cards. after the reset, I still didn’t get the more important cards I need but I did manage to summon my powerful attacking monsters again. by mid-game, we were still with our first duel while most ppl have already finished their matches. sometime later, I managed to summon Archfiend Soldier (atk:1900 def:1500), The Gross Ghost of Fled Dreams (atk:1300 def:1800) and my newly acquired Goblin King (it had 2000 atk & def since there were two fiend monsters on the field). several ppl were wondering why our first duel is still going on and some of the kids actually watched us play. for some reason, Joe was using really weak monsters and all of ‘em we’re being crushed by my Archfiend Soldier and Goblin King easily. suddenly Shanti told all of us remaining duelists to finish our matches and we were given 30 minutes to get ‘em done. just when I was looking for a quick way to finish off Joe’s Life Points and at least win one duel, I drew one of my trump cards. sacrificing Archfiend Soldier, I tribute-summoned Great Maju Garzett (atk:0 def:0). the demonic entity’s ability is to absorb the attack power of the monster that was made tribute to summon it and then doubles it (1900 x 2=3800!!). Joe looked at me completely clueless.

"me going up against Joe in the First Round"

it wasn’t long before I sapped all of his Life Points. the Great Maju Garzett’s 3800 was just too strong. we started our next duel right after that and I made the first move. the cards I drew weren’t exactly bad but it wasn’t exactly great either. I had to do everything fast to catch up with the time I’ve lost as there were abt 15 minutes remaining. after a few turns, I already had several powerful monsters on the field (again), crushing his pathetic weak defense. to finish off him quickly, I played the magic card Premature Burial, paying 800 of my own Life Points to special summon one of my monsters in the Graveyard and I chose the Giant Orc (atk:2200 def:0). immediately after that, I sacrificed it to summon Great Maju Garzett (déjà vu?), giving it a total attack power of 4400 (2200 x 2=4400). he, he, he, he. Joe could only sigh and I bet he definitely wanted to curse me or perhaps smack me on the head for what I did. crushing more of his useless monsters with my massive powerhouse demon, I ended my turn after the battle. it was his move and he needed to do sth abt the Great Maju Garzett.

to my surprise, he suddenly removed one light and dark monster in his Graveyard from play and special summoned Chaos Sorcerer (atk: 2300 def:2000). the goddamn spellcaster has the special ability to remove one face up monster in the field from play and it was obvious that he was using it remove my GMG. with the 4000+ threat gone, I was left with two weaker monsters who can’t survive the Chaos Sorcerer’s attack. fortunately, it can’t attack my monsters the turn its special ability is activated. it was then my move, with 10 minutes remaining and a fucking chaos monster to deal with. some of my best monsters were already in the Graveyard and so I needed to come up with sth fast to turn the tables. I began my turn and drew a card. thinking carefully, I then smiled and started my move to end the match. playing the magic card Monster Reborn, I was able to special summon one monster from any player’s Graveyard, and so I chose my Newdoria (atk:1200 def:800). the creepy monster has a unique ability in which if it is destroyed in battle and sent to the Graveyard, it can select one monster on the field and destroy it. then I summoned my Archfiend Soldier in attack position. declaring an attack, I forced my Newdoria to attack the Chaos Sorcerer and since its attack is weaker, the Newdoria dies. as it goes into the Graveyard as a result of the battle, its effect is activated and so I chose to destroy Joe’s annoying Chaos Sorcerer. even if I had to sacrifice a bit of my own Life Points after forcing Newdoria to commit a suicide attack, it was definitely worth it. with that threat gone, I was easily able to evaporate his remaining monster and his Life Points and it was game. phew!! I finally won!!!

Shanti said he knew I’d win because my deck wasn’t that bad after all. I went over to Epul and asked him how did his match go. Epul said he completely pwned the guy with the Machine deck and a close buddy of his was completely shocked at this. I also asked him abt the other decks of other duelists and I found out many ppl were using deadly beat downs. oh hell. anyway, as I went over to the toilet for a much needed relief after that incredibly long match, another guy in yellow shirt challenged Epul to a match (he was the buddy of the guy who Epul squashed in the first round). prolly out for a revenge or some shit.

abt 5 minutes later...
18 duelists, 9 matches: 9 winners & 9 losers. with the first round finally done, we were divided into 2 groups: the winners & losers brackets. another round and this time it’s elimination. before the thing started, I heard the guy in the yellow shirt trashed Epul, although some witnesses claim that the guy miscalculated the Life Point reduction in their practice game. we also heard abt this lady who uses one of the dirtiest and cheapest tricks: a stalling deck + Fiber Jar. imagine yourself going up against someone who uses magic and trap cards which increase the amount of her Life Points and then stalls your attacks with various card effects. when things look grim, she uses the Fiber Jar’s flip effect to restart everything all over again. and then, abt half an hour later, she is declared the winner because she has more Life Points and she didn’t even need to attack your Life Points that much!!! we called her the “stalling bitch” and we all tried to avoid going up against her in the next round. Epul went up against this girl with a heavy-hitter beat down deck and fortunately, I was granted a bye by Shanti, which guaranteed me a spot in the Quarter Finals. heh, lucky me. being able to relax a bit before my next match, I proceeded to watch the other duelists duke it out against each other.

one of the major problems of playing Yu-Gi-Oh! is that once you’ve discovered what kind of deck a person is using, usually experienced duelists will already know what are the cards to be expected from his opponent. using my opportunity of not dueling for the time being, I went around to gather information by looking at the decks and strategies of every duelist over there. anyway I was watching these 2 guys dueling; one was a large, spectacled man using a powerful Water deck and the other was the aforementioned dude who was using a Rush beat down deck. both were exceptionally skilled duelists and neither would admit defeat to the other. they both won a duel in their match and so it was down to the third and final duel to end the game. it was a pretty close fight but in the end, the Water deck guy lost, and it was so close too!! meanwhile at another table, Epul was bullying the girl with the heavy hitter deck.her magic equipment cards which could raise her monsters' attacks proved to be useless since Epul was using Messenger of Peace, which prevents all monsters with an attack of 1500 and above from attacking. worse still, just when she sacrificed her own two monsters to summon Red Eyes Black Dragon (atk:2400 def:2000), Epul special-summoned Lava Golem(atk:3000 def:2500) on her side of the field by sacrificing her newly summoned dragon and another monster of hers. despite having a high attack power, the burning behemoth can't attack because of Epul's Messenger of Peace, and every turn she controls the Lava Golem, she gets 1000 damage dealt to her Life Points. I swear I think I saw the girl was about to burst into tears because she was completely helpless against Epul’s ruthless Life Point-burning strategy. now that's what I call a great strategy!!!

"Epul checking his evil burner deck"

half an hour later as everyone finished their matches, there were now ten people remaining. while another duo got a bye to the Semis, Epul and I now had to face the remaining tougher duelists at the Quarter Finals. our opponent’s were revealed and while Epul squared off against the same guy in yellow shirt who “claimed” to have beaten him in their practice game, I had to go mono a mono against the dude with the Rush beat down. holy shit. I was lucky enough to get a bye and now I’m up against a pro. and as expected, I got my ass kicked so bad. the whole match (both duels) lasted less than 10 minutes!! normally I’d feel extremely depressed after a loss, but after all these years, I was finally able to stand proud as a man and accept whatever the outcome may be. in fact, I was kinda honored that at least I get to duel against one of the strongest duelists in the tournament. I congratulated him and shook his hand as a sign to acknowledge his superior dueling skills.

the guy with the Water deck that was defeated earlier approached me and told me to relax. he prolly understood what it feels to be a newbie and getting crushed helplessly by the dude with the Rush beat down deck. to tell you the truth, I was still a bit disappointed with my ego hurt pretty badly. I only got to duel in one match, then got a bye and eventually axed by a pro. seeing that Water deck guy almost beat the dude who squashed me, I decided to challenge him to a match. maybe at least I could improve myself and see the difference in skill level against someone more experienced and has a better constructed deck. he agreed, so we sat at another table, took out our decks, shuffled each other’s and drew 5 cards. I flipped a coin and he called it right but surprisingly, he told me to make the first move. in a duel, the guy who moves first can’t attack with a monster he summoned immediately, but he gets to play magic and set up traps. it seemed my opponent was trying to read my moves and try to attack first. and so it was our first duel in an unsanctioned match. starting the duel, I drew one card and proceeded to make my first move...

...it was hopeless. all I had were trap and magic and upper level monster cards and none of them were too useful at the moment. because I had no monsters on the field, I couldn’t sacrifice anything to tribute-summon those strong monsters in my hand. since I couldn’t do anything else, I set one card face-down and told my opponent to make his move. drawing a card, I was expecting him to summon a monster and directly attack my Life Points (LP) since my field was unguarded by any monsters, but shockingly he ended his turn. my move; drew another card and it’s still not a monster. I am so fucked. since I had no choice, I had to end my turn. his move; he drew a card and by the look of his disappointed face, it seemed that he too couldn’t summon any monster. he set a card face down and ended his turn. it was me again and I drew my card...still not a monster!! holy shit!! how unlucky a guy could get? nonetheless, the card I drew proved to be quite useful so I set it face-down and ended my turn. it was his move again and he needed to finish me off quickly. he drew a card and then proceeded to activate the field magic A Legendary Ocean, which increases the attack and defense of water monsters by 200 and enables him to summon any level 5 water monster from his hand without any tributes (sacrifices). I responded by activating my face-down trap card, Destiny Board. the deadly ouija board appeared on the field with the first letter “F”. he then activated his face-down magic card Mystical Space Typhoon to destroy my Destiny Board but luckily, I responded by activating my other face-down trap card, Imperial Order which negates all magic effects. frustrated, he couldn’t do anything anymore since his Legendary Ocean’s effect was now negated so he promptly ended his turn. as he finishes his move, I activated the second letter of the Destiny Board. I took the spirit message “I” from my deck and shuffled it. it’s back to my move...

I drew a card...finally a monster!!! since I didn’t want my opponent to use any magic that might disrupt my strategy, I paid 700 Life Points as an upkeep for Imperial Order to stay on the field. I placed my monster in a face-down defense position and ended my turn. he drew a card, then immediately summoned 7 Colored Fish (atk:1800 def:800) in attack mode and used it to attack my face-down monster. my face-down monster was then revealed: Earthbound Spirit (atk:500 def:2000) and since my monster’s defense is higher than his monster’s attack points, he loses 200 Life Points(2000-1800=200). as he ends his turn, the third letter “N” of the Destiny Board appears on the field. my move. drawing a card, I paid another 700 LP for Imperial Order and then summoned Slate Warrior in attack mode (atk:1900 def:500). declaring an attack, I used my Slate Warrior to destroy his 7 Colored Fish, dealing 100 damage to his LP (1900-1800=100). I ended my turn. the look of his worried face was priceless. the Destiny Board was almost complete. removing his 7 Colored Fish in the Graveyard from play, he then special summoned Aqua Spirit in attack mode (atk:1600 def:1200). he then ends his turn which allowed me to play the fourth spirit message of the Destiny Board from my deck. the letter “A” appeared and one more turn to go. the problem is, you can only have up to 5 magic and/or traps on your field (excluding field magic) and since I already have the letters F-I-N-A and Imperial Order, I needed to destroy the Imperial Order to play the last letter “L”.

"duelin' with destiny"

my move. drawing one card, I decided not to pay the 700 LP and thus Imperial Order was destroyed immediately. now both of us could play magic again. he then used the Aqua Spirit’s special ability, which is to change the battle position of one of my face-up monsters on the field. obviously, he changed my Slate Warrior to defense mode. I quickly responded by playing the magic card Painful Choice, enabling me to pick 5 cards (any card) in my deck. I will then have to show them to my opponent and he will choose one of them to be added into my hand while the rest are discarded into the Graveyard. I chose 5 fiend monsters, got one and as the 4 other monsters are sent into the cemetery, I knew my backup plan was going to work. removing 3 fiend monsters in the Graveyard, I special summoned Dark Necrofear (atk:2200 def:2800) in attack mode. declaring an attack, I used Necrofear to shred his Aqua Spirit apart (2200-1600=600). before ending my turn, I decided to put one face-down card on the field, just in case he does something unexpected before the Destiny Board completes. even though now all of my magic and trap slots are full, I was hoping he would do something that might trigger my trap, thus making a space for the last letter to come into play.

his move. Shanti was walking by and he just laughed because he knew at this rate, the chances of my opponent winning were slim. F-I-N-A were already on the field, and the letter L was about to join in, automatically granting me a victory. realizing that nothing can be done, he forfeited the duel. yay!!! a win!! against a skilled duelist even!!!! woohoo!!!! unfortunately, my joy was short-lived as my luck ran out in the next two duels. perhaps embarrassed by his loss to a complete newbie, he remorselessly overwhelmed me and won the match. oh well, I didn’t care that much anyways. at least I managed to prove that my deck could prove to be a threat even to a more experienced duelist than myself. the guy and I chatted for awhile and we ended up trading some cards. elsewhere, Epul was celebrating his victory, which earned him a spot in the Semis. it was close to 8 pm now and most ppl have already left the place. Epul now had to face the Rush beat down dude who axed me earlier. although he could’ve beaten him easily, in the end Epul had to bow down to his might. I was watching their game and I didn’t know why Epul made so many mistakes in that important match. maybe he was kinda tired from the many duels or sth, but clearly he had a chance to win. I wanted to help but I knew that it wasn’t permitted. I could only shake my head hopelessly as I saw what could’ve been a great opportunity for my roommate/web mentor to “avenge” my loss, gone away wasted.

by the time the winner was declared, it was almost half past 8. we hung out at the place for awhile and we asked when was the next tournament going to be held. Shanti said he might consider of having another one this early of July and maybe, just maybe...if so many ppl are interested in it, he could try to hold weekly tournaments. I was definitely excited because I knew I really needed all the practice I can get. hopefully by the end of the year, I’ll be prepared to participate in official tournaments and make my way to the National League. the Yu-Gi-Oh! world championships will be held in California this July and although I wanted to go there so badly, I knew it wasn’t my time....yet. whatever the case may be, I knew today, I’ve taken my first step on the Stairway to the Destined Duel...

The King of Games

2004-06-18T12:40:00.000-05:00

Ahh yes!! the first summer session has finally ended!! and just when I thought I’d get to relax and take a short break, the second session starts immediately the day after (goddamn fucking summer schedule). anyway, a lot of disturbing things have been going on in my mind, so in order to ignore and forget abt ‘em, I’ve been keeping myself occupied with lotsa games. specifically card games and video games.

ever since I was a kid, I’ve always loved playing games, from the good ol’ Micro Genius to favorite board games like the Malaysian-Monopoly-clone Sahibba or Snakes & Ladders. being the clear opposite of my bro’, I wasn’t exactly a sports buff hence why I spend most of my time in the house playin’ indoor games (esp video games). in my 21 years of life, I’ve owned 7 different video game consoles, starting with the aforementioned Micro Genius (remember Super Mario Bros. anyone?), the Super Nintendo Entertainment System (Street Fighter madness) back in 1993, the Game Boy Color (Pokèmon ahoy!) in 1999, the Game Boy Advance in 2001, and the PS2, Game Boy Advance SP and Game Cube just last year. crazy no? now the only thing I’ll need is the Xbox and I’m all complete.

yeah, I know I have an incredibly unhealthy obsession for video games but what the heck. it’s just that in video games, I get to explore my wildest imaginations, traveling in fantasy worlds slaying dragons and casting spells in RPGs, or pitting my tactical capabilities against others in RTS games(real time strategy) and many other stuff. it’s also feels nice to have a buddy or two and play multiplayer games and then bragging how I own their asses at WWE SmackDown! or Need for Speed Underground for the PS2 or how I really enjoy screwing them over in a race in Mario Kart Double Dash for the Game Cube. seriously speaking, gloating has never been so much fun since the introduction of multiplayer games.

recently, after spending some time with my GBA SP going through River City Ransom (a classic Double Dragon-like beat-em’-up with a blend of RPG elements and loadsa humorous Japanese wackiness) I’ve decided to go online and square off against the strangers on the net with Warcraft III: The Frozen Throne on Battle.net. although at first, the idea of probably being squashed and beaten by a stranger doesn’t seem too appealing for me (let’s just say I have some serious issues abt losing), after a while I’ve gotten used to it and nowadays I take every opportunity to do the same to others. while some players out there on Battle.net are genuinely nice, there are freakin’ SOBs out there who should be shot repeatedly in the head and their asses sodomized by mechanical bulls. some of these morons will try to psyche you out by spying on what you’re doing and then typing a message declaring that he knows exactly what you’re trying to do. some use ruthless harassing tactics while others will try to distract you by asking stupid questions while they take the time to set up a strategy to crush your army. to add salt to the injury of a losing battle, some pricks even type smilies at their opponents when they win. the worst is when you realize your fucking retarded teammate is backstabbing you in a team game, killing off your units at the base while you were busy fending off the enemies. shitty, yes? I know. the world is full off assholes, even when you’re playing computer games on the net’. but even in your everyday life ppl do the same thing so you shouldn’t be surprised if someone pisses you off in a game.

anyhow, here’s a list of terms I picked up from the many hours of playing on Battle.net:

-newb: this is what most players are in the beginning. it stands for “newbie”, someone who is new to the game or is still not familiar with the game mechanics or the normal strategies employed by other regulars of Battle.net. usually, newbs say ‘hi’ at the beginning of a game and they even take some time to ask your age and where you’re from (friendly chaps, aren’t they?) although there have been instances where skilled players disguise themselves as newbs before unleashing a deadly attack onto their unsuspecting opponents.

-gg: means ‘good game’. this can function in 2 ways: either when you’re losing and you admit that your opponent was better than you and so you say it as a compliment, or when you devastate the base of your opponent completely, and you say it as a sign that they should prolly quit since chances are slim for them to win in any case.

-stfu: this is self-explanatory. if you’re too naïve or just plain dumb, it means ‘shut the fuck up’. usually said when you’re annoyed by the constant meaningless messages sent by your opponent.

-gosu: supposedly a term of Korean-origin. it means you have unmatched skills at playing Warcraft or any other RTS games. gosu players could crush any single strategy literally in minutes with their mad skillz. fortunately, the new opponent-matching system in the latest Frozen Throne patch only allow gosus to go against others of their own skill level. they’re definitely the Warcraft players you do not want to mess with.

-pwned: originally a typo of the word ‘owned’. it means that some person got his arse kicked so badly (e.g. ‘Killjoy got pwned by Raxxtor’ means the former got some ass whuppin’ by the latter)

-micro: short for ‘micro-management’. unlike in Command & Conquer where your probability of winning becomes very high when you start massing the strongest units, in Warcraft players are forced to properly manage their units, using each abilities to their full potential and finding ways and strategies to launch an attack before your opponent could start their own assault. micro-management is an integral part of playing the game because you must think of the quickest ways to gather resources, cut time to produce units, manage the spells and abilities of your Heroes & units and know how, what and when to respond to your opponent’s tactics. even the largest of armies can easily be vanquished by a smaller band of troops controlled by a player with good micro.

-turtling: from ‘turtle’. it’s a strategy where a player just sits in his base and reinforces his defenses, only coming out every once in a while. a coward’s strategy but quite useful in some cases. can be used to protect yourself while you prepare for a heavy air assault.

-noob: the idiots of the Warcraft universe. unlike newbs who realize they’re new to the game and should be humble abt their own skills, noobs (pronounced ‘nübs’) are intellectually-impaired morons who will say many stupid things to you when they lose in a game. they may accuse you for being a hacker, say that the race you’re using is imbalanced/over-powered, complain that you’re using a cheap strategy or just plainly insult you for their loss. here’s a simple fact for you noobs abt playing on Battle.net: if you lose, then it’s probably your own fault. quit complaining you crybaby pussies. first of all, not everyone hacks because if they do, a report can be sent to Blizzard (makers of the game) to ban that player. second, with each patch released by Blizzard, each race has been made more balanced to their own strengths and weaknesses so it’s your responsibility to know and take full advantage of their pros and cons. third, even in real life THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A CHEAP STRATEGY. ppl will do anything to attain their objectives (like winning) so don’t complain if they’ve found a successful way to reach their goal. I myself don’t like some of the tactics my opponents employ, but I very well know it’s not their problem if I can’t beat them in a game. and more importantly, if you know your skills at Warcraft is not good enough, don’t start insulting ppl. it makes you look stupid. you’re a noob so just accept it and get on with life. once, some idiot once called me a “ball-sucking bastard” when I clearly pwned him by completely ravaging his base into oblivion. I simply typed back “shut up you noob” and then put a smiley which made him leave the game (heh, heh, heh). as someone once said, “a human uses his intellect to know when it’s time to quit. animals rely on their instincts. but some blame their failures on the victors, not realizing their time was up. they’re worse than animals”.

video & computer games aside, since I got here I’ve also grown addicted to Kazuki Takahashi’s Yu-Gi-Oh! TCG (trading card game) which is based on the hit anime/manga of the same name. although less complex compared to Wizards of the Coast’s Magic the Gathering (another popular TCG), the card game is incredibly addictive and a snap to play since it’s so easy to follow and understand. in fact, it’s been only a few years since the Yu-Gi-Oh! craze stormed the US and today, kids are seen playing the goddamn thing almost everywhere!! (a movie is even scheduled for a release this August too).

just recently I’ve already signed up to participate in a Yu-Gi-Oh! tournament at a local game shop (actually I wanted to enter the Game Boy version of the official tournament but I’m 7 years over the age limit--damn Konami & Upper Deck). it’s been years since I left the debating scene (for reasons that I might explain some other day) but I thought I still wanted some challenge so I decided to be a part of the tournie. distressing as it may sound, but I clearly know the odds of me actually winning the tournament are not really high, but I’ll just go to have some fun and sharpen my dueling skills. maybe when the opportunity arises, I’ll finally go and participate in an official tournament and who knows…maybe I’ll start making a name for myself in the Yu-Gi-Oh! world someday.

I’ve been practicing my card duels with the guys over here for quite some time. I know there are kids in my area who also play Yu-Gi-Oh!, but maybe I’ll just wait until I’m slightly better with my dueling skills before I start crushing them (we don’t want a 21 yr old college student getting pwned by a 7 yr old now, do we?) . one of the best things abt playing the game is that you know quite a bit abt your opponent, from the way how his mind works, how resourceful is he thinking, how he devises & prepare plans and perhaps some personality traits based on the strategies employed. for one, I’m known by some of my close buddies as a sly, conniving and devious person. usually, the guys take note of the way I play, what are the cards I use and try to figure out why I make certain, puzzling moves because they know I’m always up to something. and it’s usually sth not nice.

anyway, there are 5 Malaysian guys over here who dig Yu-Gi-Oh! (including myself) and each of us have our own theme decks fitting for our personalities. they are:

-Ajeep (aka ‘Bob’)
Deck: Ultimate Darkness Deck
my senior of 1 year in IU. a nice, jovial fellow, Ajeep uses Dark-type monsters that have unique abilities which can frustrate any opponent he duels against. powerful monsters in his deck include the deadly Red Eyes Black Dragon (atk:2400 def:2000) which can be fused with Summoned Skull (atk:2500 def:1200) by using the Polymerization magic card to produce the horrifying Black Skull Dragon (atk:3200 def:2500), and the monster-absorbing Relinquished (Atk:0 Def:0, but it can ‘absorb’ one opponent’s monster and gain its attack and defense points) and its deadlier fusion counterpart Thousand Eyes Restrict (same as Relinquished, but no monsters on the field can attack except the TER itself--creating a ‘lockdown effect’). equipping the trap card Metalmorph on the Red Eyes Black Dragon and sacrificing both also enables Ajeep to special summon a slightly deadlier, mechanical version of the dark dragon from his deck: the Red Eyes Black Metal Dragon (atk: 2800 def:2400, is considered a Machine-type monster).

-Jimmy
Deck: Legendary Seaman’s Deck
one of my close buddies here, Jimmy uses Water-type monsters and deadly magic and trap cards to assist his sea creatures. his trump card is the A Legendary Ocean field magic card, which boosts the attack and defense points for all Water monsters by 200, and downgrades Water monsters by 1 level (monsters with higher levels require you to sacrifice another monster to summon them, so this card basically reduces the sacrificial requirement, thereby making Jimmy easier to summon his stronger, upper level monsters). deadly monsters at his disposal include the Legendary Fisherman (atk: 1850 def:1600, cannot be affected by magic cards and cannot be the target of an attack when A Legendary Ocean is on the field) and Levia-Dragon: Daedalus (atk:2600 def:1500) which has an ability that is activated by sending the Legendary Ocean from the playing field to the card Graveyard and then it destroys all monsters, magic cards and traps (both you and the opponent’s) except itself (Daedalus), creating a powerful ‘nuke’ effect.

-Nublie
Deck: Blue Eyes Evolution Deck
the computer expert in IU relies on the awe-inspiring Blue Eyes White Dragon (atk:3000 def:2500), one of the most feared monsters in Yu-Gi-Oh! since it has a solid, strong attack power and very few requirements to summon it (normally, you have to sacrifice 2 of your own monsters to summon this bugger, but you can always dump it in the Graveyard and use a magic card like Monster Reborn to special summon it back). to make things easier to summon the BEWD, Nublie has the Paladin of White Dragon (atk:1900 def:1200) which has the ability to special summon a Blue Eyes immediately from the deck by sacrificing the paladin to the Graveyard. even worse, most of the magic and traps in his deck enable him to call the BEWD incredibly fast. there have been times in some duels where Nublie even got to call all of the 3 Blue Eyes in his deck into the field in one single turn!!(9000 worth of damage!! definitely sth not to be scoffed at!!).

-Epul
Deck: Field-Controlling Burner Deck
a graduate senior who helped me a lot with my web programming skills. he basically runs a deck which ‘controls the field’, using magic and trap cards which halts any monster with an attack point higher than 1500 or prevents monsters of level 4 and above (the stronger ones) to attack. his Ojama Trio trap card creates 3 Ojama tokens on the opponent’s monster field (a monster field has 5 slots--you can only have up to 5 monsters at a time) and 300 damage points is dealt when the tokens are destroyed (sneaky eh?). since the tokens can’t be used by the player who has them on his field as sacrifices to summon higher levels monsters, the tokens somewhat take up the much needed space for other monsters. and with the field under his control, Epul uses monster effects and magic cards which deal direct damage to the opponent, creating the ‘life-burning’ effect of his deck. his major monster is the Lava Golem (atk:3000 def:2500) which can only be special summoned to the opponent’s field by sacrificing two of the opponent’s monsters. each turn a player controls the burning behemoth, a 1000 damage point is dealt directly to his life points and even with that massive attack power, the field-controlling techniques of Epul prevents the Lava Golem from attacking, consequently leaving the opponent with a strong monster which can’t be used but burns his life away.

and last but not least…

-IMCP
Deck: Black Occult Deck
using Dark, Fiend-type monsters, my primary strategy relies heavily on the Graveyard. though most of my monsters have weaker attack points compared to the other decks, its their effects and purposes that counts. by purposely dumping my monsters into the Graveyard, I get to pull off deadly effects and tactics to dominate my opponents. for instance, by having 3 fiend type monsters from the Graveyard removed from play (meaning that they’re totally eliminated from the match and can’t be revived), I am able to special summon Dark Necrofear (atk:2200 def:2800). the best part abt Necrofear is that when it is destroyed in a battle, or by the effect of another monster, a magic or trap card, at the end of the turn it returns to the field and “possesses” an opponent’s monster, meaning that I gain control of one of the opponent’s monster of my choosing. yep, a powerful monster indeed. and to make matters worse, I also use the Destiny Board, a trap card which produces spirit messages (letters to be exact) at the end of each of the opponent’s turn. when all 5 spirit messages are on the field (1 letter/spirit message from the board itself and the remaining 4 played from its effect) I automatically win the game. simple as that. a ruthless tactic? why yes indeed. of course that is sth naturally to be expected from someone like me… heh, heh, heh…

oh well, I’m done talking abt games for today. I’m gonna go practice s’more before the my highly anticipated tournie. maybe I’ll post an entry of what will happen then at the tournament…

trivia: Yugi-Oh in Japanese literally means: “King of Games”

"Warcraft 'Battle Chest': when boobs go to war"